Dear Britain

Dear Former British Oppressors, 

Has anyone told you how amazing you guys are? Well, we love you. You guys are awesome, and we’re not just saying that because you are (allegedly) giving us close to a billion dollars in aid. We also have great affinity for your Football League and currency. Just check out the exchange rate! Manchester United Rocks! (Seriously, you have to close Sir Alex Ferguson).

In recognition of how terrific you are, we’d like to humbly submit that you retake Pakistan. Our government as you may have noticed is quite useless. The poor security situation, obdurately rising food prices, unemployment and incessant load shedding is wreaking havoc on our general populace.  And no one is better suited to combating these problems better than you!

You definitely know how to tackle terrorist elements, as the IRA can attest to. Your inflation is a mere 3.4% compared to our 13.07%! You obviously know what you are doing.  You hate waste, so you can put our unemployed blokes to work….picking cotton if need be….but those quaint unemployment benefits seem nice too! We know that you’ll set up a few power plants and hydro projects (or just drill a few dozen cavities into Baluchistan).

We’re also quite keen on that National Health Service (NHS) you all have got; we’ll sleep easy knowing you’ll do right by us. Subsidized education is a nice bonus too! Uncle Sam Out, Queen In. In the Queen we Trust, God Save the Queen….we like Charles and William too. But be sure to give the old Lass a big desi hug from us all… 

Now we realize that you had to put up with a lot of whining and malcontent when you previous um….occupied these lands, but we can assure you with substantial evidence that we have since developed into quite a docile bunch. Look at our politicians….we keep (democratically) re-electing corrupt, ineffectual fake degree toting cheats; we have no standards, we are as accommodating as they come.

Couple that with the massive yearning we have for all things gora/white, just look at our fair and lovely facial whitening cream consumption! The mommy folk are totally obsessed with their daughters (and daughters in-laws) gora content. 

We’re also be highly appreciative of your parliamentary system (we mimicked it after all…poorly as things stand), but you’d have no problems over MP’s expenses over here. No sir. Never.  In fact, we may teach you a few things on how it’s done.

Now you are probably wondering, what’s in it for you? Well, for starters, we know how much you love your Cricket, can you even imagine how many world titles we’d win with Afridi and Peterson in the same team? That’s fairy dust magic just waiting to happen! You’d even be able to retain the Ashes from Australia…we do solemnly swear. 

You can justify your huge deficit by telling the world how you intend on increasing your tax revenue to GDP ratio, we’re one of the lowest, so it’s a game we can play together for a while. Take that IMF. 

We couldn’t help but notice how your great, but tiny nation is running out of real estate space; well, we have plenty.   

We also have lots of natural resources and we don’t have a history of kicking out invaders like Afghanistan. …er….except for you.  But seriously, in hindsight, we realize that you weren’t really invaders as much as pillagers….um…Managers. Gora Saahib Zindabad!

Admittedly, we’ve done a fantastic job of messing things up, with our religious infighting and blaming Israel for everything, but with your guidance (and love of Desi food), we’re sure that we can do better. So we implore you, take over and together we can re-kindle the glory of the British Empire!

Respectfully yours, Your Former and soon to be your current Colony

Pakistan

A version of this article was reluctantly published by the good folks at Dawn. They are Still Evaluating the Decision Made and Blood May Be Spilled.