Fakeroids: The Annoying Zombie Plague

Intense, Crazy Wired, Hip, Retarded

Dear "Mr. My Fake Shades Make me Better than You",

You may not remember me, but fate briefly introduced us when you decided that your intake of red bull justified annoying me. I wish I could remember your name, but it's rather a blur. It's not that I didn't enjoy your fake American-British encrusted accent or your expertise in decadent frivolities (no, I didn't know that 'Rambo' center was where all the cool people hung out and my life was better for it).  I'll even go as far as to concede that I found your caffeine frothing threats to 'BBM' me from your Chinese Blueberry cell completely amusing. Fact: The Chinese made Blackberry don't have Blacberry Messenger.

Drinking Coffee Makes Me Cool

Now, I don't mind the average person pounding 12 Red bull cans a day, but must you insist on running up to strangers and telling us how 'Crazy Wired' you are? There is a gaping chasm to what is cool, and what is woefully pathetic. You're not on the right side of the chasm. The silly stunts don't help either. As for me, I can drink a red bull and go straight to bed.

It's wonderful to meet such wannabe cultured souls whose love for all things "Areamani" (yes you read right) define their existence, and to be with fair, half the population is illiterate. And no one can be more persistently stylish than our fashionista Fakeroids. however, it is with great regret that I must point out that most of us can tell the difference between Areamani and Armani. It's something to do with being functionally literate I imagine.

The floods have devastated people's lives ... please don't try to equate it to the misery you feel when your servant left to rebuild his waterlogged ancestral village, nor is it a particularly tasteful excuse to attend 'charity' events, primarily to complain how the rich folk aren't doing their part to help the flood victims, all whilst gulping down 375 rupee coffee (You'd magnanimously donate the 25 rupee change, of course). That's the cost of a weeks rations for a small family. If you like, I have the receipts to prove it, they may seem unfamiliar since they aren't from the high end stores (Aghas/Epcos) you're used to frequenting.

I love me some intellectual debate

The Fakeroids have deemed unemployment to be devastatingly in vogue, I mean how else would Mummy and Daddy feet utterly grateful for the delight that they are privileged enough to replenish the holy wardrobe...  Particularly when an Armani pants costs the equivalent of the country's GDP per Capita.

Indoors, Shades, Girl passed out on me. Quick. TAKE A PICTURE....Who is the $#%$# Random Guy?

With great apology, I must point out that because your esteemed plain black sequined pants (which you got from Zainab market) because they look just like the pair that Paris Hilton once wore, doesn't mean make you a fashion icon or a size zero.....and no, a corset won't help. Cutting down on the ice cream might. I'd also appreciate the opportunity to gently point out that Paris Hilton rose to fame because of things other than her sense of fashion.

Cute Pup Laden With Jewelry that's going to get it Killed

Does your dog really have to wear ruby encrusted shoes that cost as much as the annual GDP of Balochistan?I love dogs as much as the next person, which is why I encourage everyone to vote. And no, liking a politician's facebook profile because it rhymes with 'VersaCHEE' doesn't count.

Now, as much as you love to prance into Coffee houses demanding the most complex pretentious drink known to man (asking for yak milk in your cappuccino much?), the rest of the 'we're drinking our damn coffee' republic doesn't care how well traveled you are or how Pares (Um...Paris) is just like Iceland (that habit of smirking and insisting Pares that's where all Parsi's come from and that Ice was invented in Iceland gets on my nerves too). At this point, the audience at large is unlikely to be impressed by your opinions on the state of Karachi either, particular if you've never been past Hotel Metropole because it is kacha abbadi and there are no good cafe's past there.

I don't care how well you know ANY of these people. 

The Fakeroids seem to live some charmed existence, the only indication they have that there is some modicum of unrest in the city is when Espresso shuts down for the day; which translates into a calamity ofcourse. But it is certainly a lovely chance to play 'oooh the roads are empty (minus the mob) look how fast I can drive my car.'

Please don't pretend that all of your clothes are khaadi; knock offs lack a certain something....usually referred to as tags. the flimsy quality is a dead giveaway too. But don't fret, you can buy another before the color starts to run.

Just because we can tell, doesn't mean you have to take drastic measures

I would never say that my wearing original Ray Beans shades makes me better than you, I'm far too cultured and polite for that. However, if a Fakeroid insists on trying to pass off their collection of 100 rupee shades whilst expertly proclaiming that my shades are obviously fake, I must insist that they carry a receipt, warranty and a letter from the manufacturer with them at all times. Think of it as a 'put up or shut up' badge of honor.

My Mistake, you don't actually have to say 'Do you Want Fries with that' to Work at McDonalds

So, Fakeroids, be who you are, be proud of it. You think that you're a Snob, but what you really are is a bun kebab who really wants to be a wannabe burger....hell, even they don't want to claim you. Rest easy, and learn how to say 'would you like fries with that'.

And don't bug me again, my time is valuable, I actually have to work to make a living and pay taxes to ensure that others don't.

Person who'll gladly use your fake Lacoste Polo to clean his Kenneth Cole Boots

PS: You know who you are.

Tiger Woods...Legen- 'Wait For It' -Dary

He cheated on his wife as prolifically as he won tournaments (well, no. Lets face it he got around more than a sorority house), he has destroyed his good guy image (Quite emphatically) and lastly his sponsorships have evaporated faster than a drop of water on Venus (contrary to popular beliefs, it is hotter than Mercury; Roman wise men knew this hence  is Venus the god of women...well love, beauty and fertility, but seriously what more could a woman reeeaaalllly want).

Oddly enough I still like Tiger Woods, probably more than ever before. 

I could never get on board (though I could get bored) with his super 'I'm the perfect man' image...I mean, what in the world would anyone have in common with such an intense, focused, clean cut family guy....yawn (Tim Tebow is hiding something in his basement...I'm telling you.)

Now he's a crazy frazzled guy who takes a lot of 'prescribed medication,' goes to bars with hookers, flies his mistresses across the world, dates multiple women at the same time and all whilst parading to be Mr. Perfect in the eyes of the world. Bravo Mr. Wood...in fact his name is even dirty. It was so obvious. Life long mentor, his dad had a history of cheating (incidentally that's how the Great Papa Woods (RIP) met Tigers Mom) 

Now thats awesome, imperfection in mega athletes is terrific, makes them alot easier to relate too. Standing ovation for the real Tiger Woods. 

Barney Stinson (how I met you mother) would be in awe and make Tiger his God of Debauchery and worship him relentlessly.... except for the fact that he got caught (The Barnacle would not approve of that.... not in the slightest). 

However, I think we should all help Tiger out (especially since he's earned his Legen "wait for it" Ary status), so I'd like to offer me ideas for his future branding opportunities and endorsement deals. 

1. Knock on Wood; Life size dolls which children (fine I lied women will want it) can beat to a pulp with a golf club. Tiger's former and future mistresses will probably buy several for their therapy. Sales are projected to be in the millions. 

2. Tiger Wood's Club House; A series of licensed strips clubs, no idea if it will be profitable, but it'll be a good way to hide his money from his (soon to be ex) wife's lawyers. Not to mention he would save a good deal of his spending money anyway as well have sexual harassment insurance to back him up...just in case yet another girl takes a shot at her claim to fame 

3. Tiger Woods "Going out Swinging" ; chronicling Tiger's multiple sex  partner dalliances with Ms. Rachel Uchitel (they apparently used to go to bars and pick up another partners for orgies...and hot chicks at that What up Tiger!). Also maybe explaining how he stayed under the radar despite doing this and being...well Tiger Woods.

4. Chrysler's new Tiger Truck; A crash proof truck (would have saved Tiger a bundle of money), with booby inspired arm rests and a password protected car phone...also it would be fun to call it Titty truck. Spacious backseat with custom holsters for your golf clubs included free of charge.

5. Tiger Performance pills....Nothing is better than a good Wood; A shameless ode to Tiger's Legen-Wait for it-Dary reputation between the sheets. Old men around the world who need Tiger like Focus to do the dirty will rejoice. 

However, in case Tiger isn't able to or chooses not to pursue Golf again, and wants to look at different careers, I've thoughtfully come up with a 7 awesome suggestions for him. 

1. Rapper; I would pay good money to hear Mr. Bounty rap and you know you would too. Besides a lot of rapper brag about how awesome they are and all the cool morally decadent things they've done; However, Tiger's actually been there and done that...and that..and her...and hey her too. It would also totally fit with Nike's (I applaud them for sticking by him, solid stuff) crossover promotions into a new demographic (Gangsters; wannabe, white, suburban and otherwise).

2. Porn star; Man likes getting paid, so he may as well do something he likes and get paid for it....hell that's how he got into Golf. According to hookers he's quite the performer. Should fit right in with the LA. Industry (he'll be the first porn star that doesn't have to change his/her name.)

3. Advice columnist; A man learns from his mistakes and Tiger has Hit the Hail Mary of all screw ups. All that could go wrong has gone wrong. He is likely to be wiser. Hell, if Former NY Gov. Eliot Spitzers hooker Ashley Dupree  could do it, why can't Tiger (her quote on the Tiger scandal was particularly awesome 'At least I kept my mouth shut, and they call me a hooker'). His specialty wouldn't be the normal boring love and respect yourself, own up to your mistakes bandwagon. Hell no. This is Tiger Woods. I'm sure dissatisfied partners would love to glean advice on sneaking around, keeping track of names, scheduling etc. 

4. Politician; In Thailand (Tiger is half Thai from his mothers side)! where they'll elect him no matter what, in fact, they'll probably make him King. Though to be fair, California would probably elect him, The Governator has been dogged by accusations of sexual harassment for years. King Tiger....has a nice ring to it. Complete with entourage, harem, expensive toys and multiple cribs....It would be Legen-Wait for it-Dary.

5. Professional Poker player; The man lied to the public at large for years and got away with it....until recently. I'm betting he is a terrific liar and can bluff his way through almost anything. By the time he's done, he'll have so many Gold Bracelets he won't be able to life his arm. Well the ones on his shoulders anyway. Then again he's Tiger Woods, he'll have a caddy that'll carry his cards, Nike Airs, bracelets, cigars and Vicotin for him. 

6. Secret Agent; James Bond eat your heart out. Half African American Half Asian super agent. Who would believe it? Precisely why he would be the best at it. His calmness under pressure and managing multiple relationships is already stuff of legends. His ability to swing a golf club is sure to come in handy, after all, when flying your actually allowed to take your golf club as a carry on. 

7. Professionally Unemployed; He's Tiger Woods....he's RICH BITCH! 

Lets face it, we all love a come back, overcoming adversity professional or otherwise is a hall mark of all that we love about sports and indeed life. After Tiger's career as a Professional Golfer is over (probably at the age of 75) he'll be heralded as the greatest golfer/under cover womanizer that has ever lived (sadly, not the greatest husband) this sad public episode will merely be a blip in the time line. 

Everyone human being has means of redemption, Tiger Woods is lucky that his means is through playing Golf and winning tournaments.