Food: The Silver Bullet

I have come to the conclusion that whilst empires may rise and fall, that great idea's come into fruition and other dissipate, that there are only few certainies in life. Firstly that there is nothing like a good turkey sandwich. Secondly that a really good turkey has to die in order for me to get a good turkey sandwich, and thirdly that I'm totally fine with having to explain to some 'Animal's have feelings' folk that I'm totally justified in killing animals so I can enjoy a good meal.

There is a reason in Islamic tradition we sacrifice goats and cows for Eid.....Those just aren't any goats and cows, they are our PETS....but we do it anyway. If that's not God's way of saying enjoy the bounties I bestow upon Mankind, I dunno what is (4 Marriages is the potential nightmare he bestows on mankind). I'm glad I figured all of that out, it makes me feel pretty awesome about myself. 

Humility is a lesson that I suck at. Instead of losing myself in the frollicles of that hopeless battle, I have decided to embrace my suckiness, I am who I am. There is a part of me that refuses to sit down and pretend that I am nothing special, that my achievements are simply oddities that one litters my titanic sized desk with without really appreciating them. I have spoken, I have decided. I refuse to be ordinary.

To that end, I have solved the most basic question that has ever dogged humanity. What motivates us?

Is the answer.... Dinner?

Now admittedly, I am actually pretty hungry right now, but it makes complete unrelenting sense.

We have a human interest to survive and the best way to do that is to eat. The countries that have the most miserable people are typically the ones that are the most underfed. Look at those poor North Koreans....and all those folks in Africa (sorry, if that's a bit racist....but Fuck you, it's not). Even in the US, people are going hungrier as they lose their jobs and what not. People who are hungry, are just miserable. Look at models....totally sucky people.

Look at the Taliban! They grow weed instead of growing Maize! Dumb asses! The poor people go hungry because you can't eat weed (unless you have a thing for Hash Brownies, but the subsequent munchies would be problematic to fulfill) and the rich folk make all the dough from the drug transit trade.

Poor People in countries, that include Pakistan, justify all of their corruption, loose morals and plain despicable behavior on one thing. They need to be able to afford to eat, they need to be able to feed their family and they need to ensure that they'll be able to eat tomorrow.

It's really that simple. And Islamically (because I'm trying to figure out God), it's the only 'Get out of Jail free' you get. Otherwise, you steal for glory and (really) cool stuff, you are liable to get your hands lopped off in a public ceremony.

It's reasonable as well. Our most basic need (above sex) is food. When that need isn't fulfilled, we are willing to do whatever it takes to meet that need. We willing to lie, cheat, steal, fight and even hurt others just to be able to eat. After all, there is no glory in dying from starvation and nothing hurts a provider more than seeing his loved ones dying from starvation.

Starvation causes many medical problems, like loss of brain functions/Insanity. We need to stop that, because less crazy people means less people who are likely to cause a revolution and take all of my sweet stuff that I've accumulated. And let's be honest, look at the world map...there are lots of hungry people out there.

The solution is retardedly simple. Grow more food. grow lots of it. have an international fund that's so purpose is to ensure that everyone on his Eden like planet of ours gets fed. I don't care if you have to give out subsidies pouring out the wazzoo, because instead of spending billions each year on combating terrorists, just ensure that those most vulnerable to become terrorists, don't because they've fulfilled their most basic needs. And those who cite all the suffering in their part of the world, run out of bloody reasons.

I call it the 'Drop Food Not Bombs Campaign'. I even found the Cute Poster Boy (look Below)

So, if you are truly hungry.... you do whatever it takes, I don't blame you. Steal my wallet if I'm being a particularly big douchebag about giving you money. It's all good. I'll forgive you and so will God. Just make sure I get my ID's back because I have no desire get stuck in line at the National ID registration office.

Just don't go blow somebody else up because you are in a fit over the raw deal that life dealt you. That's not justice, it's just satanic revenge and unworthy of human beings. And know, that even if you do decide that a life of kaboom is better than a life of honest toil, that if I somehow end up in Heaven and you are in Hell, I will personally come down there myself and kick your ass so bad that you'll think Satan putting Fire Eating Ants up your ass was good clean fun.

So let's feed the world and make it a better fed happier place.

To All You Fabulous I Shit Glitter Folk

Why I Wrote This:

I am unfortunate enough to come across more than my own share of the 'fabulous' people, who wildly proclaim that they are sooo fabulous that they piss and shit glitter. Now the kicker is that these particular mutation of people aren't actually famous per say. But they just believe they are. Now, I know it's important for everyone to have a sense of self-importance, it's healthy and all that, but I rather not be involved in conversation with anyone involving how they are 'so famous, it's scary'...particularly as they are best described as Celeb leeches. 

I'm not exactly sure how it starts, but I imagine it has something to do with Facebook photographs and tagging. Once they get tagged standing next to someone 'famous', they get noticed and have something 'meaningful' to talk about for the next month, and soon an addiction kicks in. Suddenly, they consider themselves and their brushes/liaisons/insertions with relatively well known (broadly interpreting well known), as significant news that require frantic phone calls and multiple twitter updates.  

1. Celebrity Esteem: Just because you know, have hooked up with, or perhaps stole a sandwich from a mildly famous person doesn't mean you are particularly important. It means that you have low self esteem. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, after all, you make the rest of us feel better about ourselves. Being cool by association is sad. Be cool on your own damn right. Go climb K2 in a bikini whilst smoking a cigar or something. 

2. You are not Famous. Name dropping may sound grand in your own warped mind, but it's not. It doesn't make you cool, and it doesn't mean that I (or anyone else for that matter) noticed that it was you holding back a celebs hair when she was puking on camera. And why any one would like to draw attention to the fact that their moment of glory was Drunken Hair Management is beyond me. It's not like  anyone is going to put you on speed dial in case they need to revolt their latest meals contents and need your particular services. 

3. I Will Not Google You. If I did, I'm unlikely to follow your site, your twitter, your Facebook fan page, your blog or your official web page and I most certainly won't buy your Lance Armstrong style Magenta wrist band (FYI: wrist bands are over, and no you can't bring them back). Any fan mail you get is from your mother. 

4. You Do Not Warrant a Security Detail. No one is going to stalk you and people aren't going to swarm you at your local coffee shop. If you have security, hopefully it's to protect the general public from you.  

5. Stores Will Not be Shut down for You: If you walk into a store and have to start convincing the staff how famous and well known you are, and require that they shut the store down for your own personal safety, then the truth of the matter is that you are a nobody. Though the way the economy is going, odds are that the store will be empty anyway. 

6. Celebrity 'Free Stuff' Privileges: Celebs get free clothes where ever they shop, free meals where ever they eat. Odd considering they are the demographic that afford it, if you aren't gifted such items without asking, then you simply don't matter. Think of it as businesses feeling that there is nothing to gain from supplying their items to a glorified Celeb hanger on. Take a hint and bring your credit card with you when you decide to go shopping.  

7. No I haven't see You on TV: In a country with over 50 channels and growing, it's unlikely that the population continuously check the channels for your appearance. The real world doesn't watch or remember game show contestants. If you made a cameo appearance, I'm not going to be checking it out on YouTube and comment on how super star-esque you are. If I somehow do, I (and everyone else you coerce) will notice that you are the one whose made all the 'high five' comments.  If you are a VJ, and I did recognize you from a TV show, I'd mention it or have class and show nonchalance to ignore the fact that you flirt with random guys who have nothing to do on a Saturday night. Besides, how crappy are you that you have a show on a Saturday night? 

8. Quit with the Self promotion: If every conversation you have with people artfully steered towards what you said in your blog or in a conversation you had a with a famous person, I don't particularly care. You have a problem, and please, you are not allowed to 'quote' yourself. If you do manage to find a sycophant to make you a fan page, thats not cause for celebration, its cause to get sketched out. Get therapy...seriously

9. Not a Fan of being Famous Through You: No I don't want your wall paper on my desktop or want my photo taken with you and have the picture subsequently tagged on Facebook so people 'know' who I am. I couldn't care less. And honestly neither should you. Also I question those third tier losers who think it's neat to be cool by association to a person who thinks they are cool by association. 

10. Charitable Causes Doctrine: No I don't want to give to Haiti through a charity in your name. I think Pakistan has enough problems without sending money abroad. We still have displaced folk from the earth quakes not to mention a host of other problems...like people starving. However, if you wish to get mental treatment, I'd be happy to donate....as well as help stage your intervention. We can make it into a show even if it makes the process easier.

Big Idea:

I hate to be discriminatory, but you glorified Wannabe Celeb Hanger-Ons  annoy me. Superficiality should not be raised to the level of an art form. It should not be something to aspire to. People ought to develop their own self worth through their own achievements, and being friends with celebs is not an achievement of any sort. It's just a mark of how low our expectations of our selves can fall. 

Now, I hate to see people bask in their own brilliance (particularly if it's not me and it's not earned), but I truly do feel that some douchebags need to move out of LALA land, and perhaps give the real world a shot. Grow the Hell Up.