Cell Phones are Evil: They want to Control Us....

Why I Wrote This:

Cell Phones are evil. I have come to this conclusion whilst looking at my shiny piece of electronics, fully aware that in the palm of my hand, is a device that has more technology crammed into it than the Apollo Space Shuttle...and that thing made it to the Moon and back!

What is my phone to me? Calls, Emails, Pager, Test Messaging., Alarm Clock, Calender, Scheduler, MP3 Player, Camera, Radio USB Data Stick, Mini TV.

I wake up in the morning thanks to my Cell's Alarm, I immediately check my emails and text messages. Off to work, listen to the Cell's Radio on the way. At work, I check my Cell's scheduler and calender to verify my week. I juggle and update time slots on my scheduler for the week.

If I have any files to take, I use my Cell's Bluetooth to transfer files. I also watch a little TV via my phone if I get a little board, and lets not even measure the amount of time fillers I spend on playing games...And to add insult to injury, my Phone looks damn cool too. And this is excluding the main function which is answering calls.  

I don't want a high tech dollar collar constricting my movement. if I did, I'd get married or find a vacant Dominatrix. 

They look cool, but deep down, well as deep down as a cell phones circuit board is, they really hate us. They are just biding their time...

1. Glorified Tracking Devices: The government can use them to track us...the US government. that is..ask any number of Taliban heads (the ones that are still alive anyway). Carrier pigeons is the way to go. 

2. Always Connected: Staying connected to everyone sucks. No longer can one slip away and do things....you can be tracked down by your family, girl friends...whatever happened to freedom? It's also a huge work life dud, you work almost all hours of the day, because you can't just turn your phone off...you'll be cut off from civilization! 

3. Cell phone games: They are addictive and kill your time. Damn you Magic Sushi and Snake.  I-Phones are even worse because there are thousands of developers who make the most awesome games on them!!!

4. The O'Shit Factor: How often do you look at your cell phone and think...oh shit. I forgot to do this, or call that person back, or hey whatever happened to all of my high scores!!! Far too often in my opinion.

5. Call Me: You are always waiting for someone to call and you get disappointed...It's always the person you least wanted to talk to in the first place! Not fun.

6. Spam Texts Campaigns: Random bandwidth wasting text messages. Cell Messages are the new spam, why? Because you'll always open the message just to see who it's from. After all, you don't know who the message is from till you open it.  Damn Intelligent Marketers! Why can't they invent Spam Folders for my Cell Phones!

7. Wallet or Cell Phone? Cell Phone Every Time! I'm more protective of my damn phone than I am of my wallet! I can't get those contact numbers back, but I can always make more money, cancel the cards and get new licenses made.

8. Quick Fire Response Required: Whenever people message you, they expect an almost instantaneous response. Now, folks don't seem to understand the concept of 'I'm busy', or I forgot to message you back, they naturally assume it's option 3, 'well, I didn't think you were worth the money to message back'. What the Hell! I'll get back to you when I can/want to.

9. Intelligent Phone Making Us Dumber: If cell phones get any more high tech, they'll start walking, talking and thinking for us.
'Hmm, I can't decide what I want for dinner, hey, I'll let Andy (Android Phone) decide'
'He'll have the Phad Thai without the peanuts, his medical history indicates a peanuts aversion.'

10. Cost Savings: The cell phone company reps keep promising me that if I take on their product that my costs will go down....FREAKING LIARS. Not once has that actually happened, you'll find some creative ways to charge me for things that I don't even need.

Mark my words, cell phone technology was invented by Aliens as a part of their strategy to take over the world. Those mobile signals will frazzle all of our brains and turn us into complacent consuming Zombies....

I always thought the whole damn point of technology was to make our lives easier, more free time and more productive during work hours. Now, I feel like I've been lied to by this glorious piece of technology resting in my shorts pocket.

Mark my words, no good can come from this technology cult....Satanistic evil lurks.

Screw it, who am I kidding, I Still Love and Need my Cell Phone.

Politics, Parenting or Pandering?

Society's pandering and preaching complicates any healthy degree of interaction between the sexes. Then again, I'm sure that's what parents (of women in particular) are heavily in favor off. But there are already enough impediments without the government wanting a piece of the action.

The Family Impediments: Let’s meet Mom & Dad; Chance of success of meeting their Daughters with their approval; Nil. Chance of Girl Meeting their Son; 50%

The Dad Issue: It's tough for a guy to get to know a girl in a healthy manner, and Fathers in particular, prefer it that way. As far Dads are concerned, the only boys their daughters ought to speak with are ones that doesn't exist. The 'Beti, Get yourself an imaginary friend' syndrome if you will. But, if a father see's his virile son 'hanging out' with girls, it's a sign of how masculine his son is and that its time to hand out Cigars and buy the boy his first Kalashnikov.

Mom Protection Agency: Moms are terrific, but let no one be fooled, these women are hell bent on protecting their daughters’ perceived ‘piety’, even if it means hiring their girls a personalized Black Water security detail. Instructions are simple, 'If you see a larka talk to her, shoot him'. On the flip side, if a mother sees her sons associating with the opposite sex, they immediately assume that the girl is trying to ‘trap’ him. What a world we live in.

There is some perception, that guys will pursue anything in a skirt, well that may be true, but girls in Pakistan don't wear skirts…in public, so parents don't need to worry.

Now, the government, in all of its boredom has decided to prioritize the moral protection of the youth. Apparently boys and girls talking via text and phone calls at night has become a national concern. So the Punjabi Assembly passed a resolution demanding that mobile companies stop promoting ‘cheap rate, late night packages that alter societal tendencies’ and simply ban them. Luckily for us, they haven’t yet discovered of ‘Instant Messenger’ or the ‘Internet’.

I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but cheap mobile packages don't corrupt the youth, society corrupts the youth. The last generation grew up without cell phones, internet, cable television and Gossip Girl, and they've hardly turned out as bastions of virtue.

The Youth’s desire for a healthy communicative relationship doesn't evaporate because it gets a few bucks more expensive. They invest in relationships like the army invests in defense; often and expensively.

I can fume, I can cry or I can ridicule.

I’ve decided to go with ridicule.

So let’s help our virtuous virtuouso government out. What other inane acts of grand standing can they do to prevent the altering of societal tendencies in today’s youth?

They can start with the establishment of the Aunties United in Napalming & Tormenting the Youth Ministry; The AUNTY Ministry, will be responsible for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice amongst the youth; They are committed to preventing vice by minimizing any interaction between boys and girls, they will promote virtue by…well, thats in next year's budget.

Their first act will be to recruit Aunty Disco Project to play at their launch ceremony and roll out their agenda.

1. Shopping Malls Law: Women will only be allowed to visit shopping areas for certain hours of the day. The Aunty Ministry can liberally whip (yes they will be issued made in china whips) the predominantly male shop owners at will...how they dare look at their customers during a good price haggling. Men are recommended to discover or launch a Pakistani version of E-Bay.

2. Face to Face Interactions Initiative: The solution is very simple; Don't let women leave their homes....ever, female parliamentarians can put a webcam up in the parliament and vote via G-Chat. In fact, the Aunty ministry will combine this in their recommendation for a massive expansion of online colleges and classes. How dare those boys be in a situation where they might even smell a girl !?!

3. Messenger & Email Laws: The Aunty Ministry will launch a multi-billion dollar initiative to destroy all Pakistani chat rooms and install state of the art spam blockers on individual accounts that prevent any online interaction…. I hate to break it to the Aunty Ministry, but we’re the ones who will be writing the programs for these firewalls, and odds are pretty good that we’ll find a way around them…just to prove that we can.

4. Gaming Zones Restrictions: Currently, these are man havens. Girls don't play video games, however in anticipation of the Mehndi version of Dance Dance Revolution & Rock Band, the Aunty Ministry recommends a ban for all women. Oddly, enough this will be the one proclamation that neither sex will be too bothered with. Win?

5. Restaurants Regulations: Close down all 'family' sections of restaurants, and keep video cameras that relay the footage on the web and allow parents (and the Aunty ministry) to track these scandalous couples, and appropriately punish them by lamenting how they shamed their last 29 generations. I always enjoy a good show with my dinner.

6. Education Policy: All institutions are to be single sex. Keep anything with a reasonable level of testosterone from entering girl’s schools (women won’t be entering all guy institutions), this would uplift female employment and reduce the number of dogs roaming around the premises. Men are recommended to actually attend school. (Note: The hair and makeup industry might go bankrupt).

The Big Idea:

Today’s 'youth' don't need paternalistic protectionist polices (though in our heart of hearts we are honored that our elected officials care...flattered really), however, we'd greatly appreciate it if they could focus their energies on prevalent issues like load shedding, unemployment, food prices etc.... that would be simply splendid of them.

Politicians are elected to govern, not to preach, particularly when their own track record sucks. Pity the youth don't vote….maybe we should?

A Pakistanily Correct Version was Reluctantly Published on Dawn.com