Limited Government = Limited Stupidity = Thumbs Up!

The Government Will Take Care of Everything.....Pinky Swear!

I don't understand the mindset behind Pro-Government interventionists. I really don't, and this is coming with a (rather charming) guy who is fairly okay with targeted socialism (by targeted, I mean give to the poor, I know, I'm a Softy Capitalist). I may be really thick (I contend that I'm not), but for arguments sake, let's say that the government intervening and actively managing society's moral conundrums is a good thing, because they're elected by the people and by having a legal responsibility to the people......But where in their job description have they suddenly inherited the titles of "Lord Protector of Morality" and "Awesome at Everything". Did we really think that we had a bunch of Bill Gates on our hands?

Those wonderful folks, both elected and serving in the Government cesspool of a bureacracy have something resembling a responsibility to the people to serve them to the best of their ability. In a purely Pakistani contest, we're better off letting them run a fruit stand, as opposed to a 170 million person country. Why? Because they don't have the damndest idea of what they are doing? Hell, I wouldn't either? After all, what do I know about running a Steel Mill?

It's disappointing really, I mean, I thought we were entering a wonderful age of specialization...or more plainly put, if Ali become awesome at one thing, Ali can be both really good at it and make better money. It's about being qualified for the jobs that you are supposed to do. 

How does prancing around in your gucci shoes in parliament and spewing the most fashionable version of a conspiracy theory qualify you to set policy, run a country and act as Nanny in Chief to a nappy overloaded nation. Hell, if you want your baby's nappies changed properly, then Do Them Your Damn Self....do you really want to deal with leaky human waste...or maybe you should just hire a professional, nappy changing maid. 

Let's say your house has a leak (not the Nappy kind), and you have both your pipes and your wiring are soaked (like so soaked, you'd get a positively Eisenstein-ian hair do if you mucked around). You're initial reaction shouldn't be to ask the most persuasive plumber to fix the electrical wiring, Why? because he's at the house and you never know, he might be a better electrician than what he's theoretically spent his entire life both training and practicing to do.

Why? Well, because he's here and since everyone in the neighborhood association decided that he's the best possible plumber for the job, he is obviously the best electrician available as well. Obviously, that same chap can manage the Pakistani Cricket Establishment.

There are days where I doubt my own Pakistani'ness. You see, I suffer from this horrible affliction that can be charitably categorized as minimal government interventionism, I really like the idea of them not getting up in my business....Why one may (quite rightfully) ask?

No where does it state that it's meant for the poor...we're all needy

Low taxes, I want low taxes so I can choose to spend more of my money in whatever way that I like. If I want to give money to a charitable organization for flood victims, that ought to be my prerogative, the government's desire to implement a flood tax or decides that it should take my tax money and subsidize an Airline (which quite frankly, services a minute slice of the populace) is folly.I don't appreciate them collecting my Zakat money either, particularly when they spend it on an executive class Hajj.

I do sympathize with the government's drawing room politics philosophy because I reluctantly recognize that most Pakistani's do live under the illusion that everything is the governments responsibility (hence fault) and that they should get involved in every aspect of a persons life that they don't agree with (varies from imbecile to imbecile).

That's the Minister's own Daughter, (and even if she wasn't it's not anyones damn business)

I keep hearing about how Pakistan would be better if we banded together as Muslims and implemented a strict shariah code across the country. I tend to wonder whose version of Shariah? Osama Bin Laden or Shahrukh Khan's? Why can't people come to terms with the fact that Muslims are a diverse bunch, full of intricacies and multiple schools of thought? And everyone is utterly convinced that they've cracked the code of what it takes to be a perfectly acceptable Muslim.

Honestly, why can't everyone just follow their own brand of Islam as opposed to feeling that it is their God given right to have the government impose their ideals on anything with a heart beat, for them. Holding the goverment responsible for making everyone to their religious line is kind of like being mad that not everyone loved 'The Hangover' (though for the record, The Hangover, is Awesome). You want to spread your faith? Be an example to others. Don't expect the government to do it for you. It's not, and shouldn't be their job. Did I mention how awesome 'The Hangover" is?  

The Hangover is Officially Awesome

I want my government to focus on the things that are the absolute essentials, like maintaining security (which they suck at), disaster management (which they also suck at), providing basic health and education services (again, which they suck at), and maybe throw in a few worthwhile tax incentive schemes for entrepreneurs and industries (people need jobs...preferably at Google...Facebook is apparently evil).

If the Gov doesn't like Facebook...make a Page about it.

I'm not advocating handouts, even though, lets face it everyone wants a handout from the government because the truth is that secretly none of us respect those irresponsible corrupt pieces of intestinal pipe that run the country. They steal our money and whine that corruption is their right and they most certainly aren't as corrupt as the last guy. No duh we can't trust them, and if they are getting their 'kickbacks', we want ours. It's human nature.

 Now, I'm all for democracy, but the idea is to elect leaders, not Overlords. But, hey, I'm willing to give it a shot. But it's be nice the government was kindly asked to express their angst in as minimal spheres of influence as possible! Maybe our government would be a tad bit more efficient if they stayed out of matters of religion, morality and bailouts.

Helping the little guy up, means someone has to stay behind.

 Why is the government the answer to everything? Their track records reeks of a regurgitation of last years breakfast....which wouldn't be so bad, except that Nihari mixed with Dairy is positively explosive. Sadly, it's just easier to place the responsibility of doing everything at their feet and blame them when things aren't hunky dory, until we can collectively own up, we'll be at that uncomfortable impasse where we blame the government rather than figuring out the solutions of our problems things ourselves.

Patriotic Only in Colors

On a purely practical level. This is what I'd do. Lump off all Public Sector Enterprises, sell off the management rights to the likes of the General Electric, Government of Singapore (It's run like a business) or any other riddiculously massive capitalist company. Reduce the number of ministries, outsource the likes of education, health, development ministries to private contractors who are all audited quarterly. Passing a 'I'm sorry for all the Fuck ups and I won't do it again" Bill would be dandy too.

Any Chance We Can Get All That Money Back?

No One Cares About Your Degree...

Academia is boring. Studying is annoying. Degrees are useless. Kids go to school/college to socialize and hang out with their friends, hit on girls (if your privileged enough to go to a liberal (read Co-ed) school) and to avoid spending all day at home being shamed by their families into getting a job; the only people that attend school for the sheer purpose of academia are the ones whose best friends’ have names like Stanlake, Shakespeare and Farkhanda Noor. Not exactly the greatest conversationalists.

Now, I have no problem with these bright eyed few who equate educational water carrying to future greatness. I’d just like to point out that they are sorely mistaken if they think their hard work matters.

Why? Because in Pakistan, we don’t care about education. We pay lip service like every other country (good politics), but we don’t do anything about it (great politics). After all, why bother doing something about a ‘problem’ no one cares about?

Firstly, the numbers speak for themselves. We spend more on a single piece of military hardware than our entire education budget; Defense PKR 442bn versus PKR 34.5bn for education.....thank god foot soldiers are cheap…and largely uneducated. It’s also much easier to load up PSE’s with useless employees and then provide subsidies. Again, great politics, because people don’t care about education, they care about jobs. And you’ll always take time out of your day to help out the political party that gets you a job.

Secondly, contrary to popular opinion having a wall full of degrees doesn’t make you successful. It means you spent a lot of money and time in the hope that people will find it impressive. Pity that they don’t. “A's may pay, but D's get degrees”; wrong, a degree is a piece of paper. If one wants to succeed in Pakistan, they don’t need a degree. They need ‘contacts’, friends in high places and a liberal relationship with morals.

Dozens of officials are being slammed for possessing fake degrees. Instead of admonishing them, we ought to celebrate their brilliant complicity; after all, they didn't need a degree to be rich, successful and elected to parliament! The venerable Governor of Balochistan went as far as to claim that there is no distinction between a fake or real degree, after all, as he logically surmises, a degree is a degree. After all, they’re both a piece of paper. Never mind the difference between an elected leader and a military dictator…..after all, they’re both Presidents aren’t they?

On a financial stand point all of our Political head honchos are raging successes, and they did it without that measly piece of paper that everyone contends has value. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs didn't need one either. Education does not equate to success or measure ability, it measures time wasted, opportunities lost.

The Forever Talented Masses: I am tired about hearing how much untapped 'talent' there is in Pakistan. Now if there was so much talent, you'd think they'd be doing more with it. But they are not. In the unlikely scenario that this youth is more talented than your average vegetable, what have they done…. Other than complain? Verifiably awesome at that.

Pakistan is an agricultural economy. We grow stuff. We don't make computer chips. If you gave an average Pakistani farmer a fistful of $1000 Pentium chips, he'd dump them in his fields, and try to grow it...and they don’t, he'll blame the fertilizer , the government and the Zionists. We don’t need more computer science majors; we need people to work the fields and drive those Government subsidized Tractors, a computer programmer makes a terrible farmer…unless he plays Farmville.

Uneducated Electorate = Subservient sycophantic electorate. No Pakistani politician has ever democratically won his seat thanks to the 0.5% privileged rabble rousing educated segment of the population. They win because of the masses who couldn't tell the difference between a boti roll and a hot dog. Political parties have a greater scope to fool the masses if they haven't been taught how to think.

So, let's stop pretending that we education really matters. Over half our country is illiterate, and they seem to be doing alright. It's no biggie. There aren't any revolutionaries threatening to break down doors of parliament demanding things like good governance or any sort of Africa style famine pictures adorning our media's front pages. Things are A-OK.

In Pakistan degrees don’t matter. There. I said it. We don't need education. Well, let’s be generous and say we don’t need any more education (wouldn’t want those feisty ghost schools to go out of business). All we need is the Quran, and chaps that can interpret it for us, we tend to prefer the ones that we agree with.

Why bother investing in education when you can invest in bombs, bullets and government perks? No one cares about your degree; it’s just delaying your entry into the real world and considering the world we live in, maybe that’s not such a bad thing. No one cares, atleast not in Pakistan.

A Version of this Piece was Reluctantly Published on Dawn.com

10 Things I Hate About Democracy

There are some things I love about democracy, the ideal that everyone is born equal, that everyone ought to have a say in the running of their nation. However, when I left my text book idealism and looked at the Pakistan around me, I felt compelled to write this post

1. Stupidity Measurement Index: We get to really ascertain how stupid the general populace really is. Whether it's re-electing perpetually corrupt or the unbelievably incompetent, our general populace prefers electing the same old corrupt faces. It’s not even that these are folks with any modicum of class…just look at the way they treat each other.

2. The government is expected to always step in because they are ‘democratically’ elected and ‘serve the people’; to be fair they do service the people….their own people as it turns out……which turns out to be a very limited number.  It sickens me to see imported land cruisers and VIP service all paid for by tax payer money, I’m almost glad I don’t have access to view their Swiss Bank Accounts. 

3. Democracy Complex: We justify bad governance by saying 'at least it's a democratically elected government'. Our Democratic idealist love to admonish from their pulpits about some mythical time hundred of years into the future where a few bad teething years of democracy served the greater good. For starters that is insane. If we keep repeating the same cycles of democratically elected ahem re-appropriators of budget resources, things will never change. And secondly, it is hardly any relief to the common man who can’t afford two square meals a day that he has a democratic government. As our honorable Finance Minister stated ‘Starving amongst plenty’ indeed.

4. We elect idiots and feel justified in ranting about how incompetent they are. If you lect a fool with a track record for being a corrupt fool, you don't have the right to be pissed when he acts like a corrupt fool. Particularly when the venerable representative is forced to resign on account of holding a fake degree and then gets re-elected to Parliament on the back of the sitting Prime Minister’s conditional offer of a mega project if the electorate sees fit to re-instate the said official back into office. And you know what…he was re-lected…by a handy margin.

5. Corruption Personified: Our democratically elected MNA's have a god complex and feel perfectly justified in even the most common place thievery. I’m not saying military rule is much better in this regard, but my perception is that the army has a sense of honor that arises from a largely meritocratic organization. The meritocracy of our democratic system stems from accidents of birth. Even the competent are removed on grounds of ….ahem…transitional favoritism.

6. Hypocrisy: Only in Pakistani democracy would an elected official admonish others about energy savings but then be stealing electricity him self. The also feel justified in loading up PSE’s with political appointees and friends in order to ‘reduce’ unemployment, and then blame the PSE for being a burden on the economy. politicians blame each other for the lack of getting anything done due to the desire to build consensus. More like splitting the pie amongst themselves to see who can get the biggest piece. There are no checks and balances: The Checks and balances our democratically elected politicians are familiar with refer to the checks politicians expect written out to augment their bank balances.

7. Democracy is the mob, and in Pakistan the mob is surprisingly easy to manipulate. Oppression of the majority on the minority. Democracy is divisive. Democracy is all about controlling the Mob. That’s it. It is Politicians gaming what they think 51% believe over the remaining 49%, and even in that context they consider which segments actually vote. Religion and Morality are well received segments. Democracy, where even the stupid have as much voting power as the brilliant.

8. Religious Infusion: Islam was built on the basis of democracy....bullshit.... nothing about Islamic governance is predicated on democratic inclination. Prophet (PBUH) wasn't elected by the general populace neither were the Caliphs or the Imams. You get the ability to elect barely literate 'leaders' to run the largest organization in Pakistan. It ought to be left to professionals, not the politicians (Hire the Singapore Government; before anyone suggests, no I have no desire to move there, just pointing out what works). The closest thing to an Islamic Democracy is Islam, where the elected members have wonderful 'advisory' roles with lots of checks and balances by religious institutions.

9. Democracy is a punishment for not having popular enough western leaning leaders. The motto seems like 'Be nice to America or we'll bring democracy to you'. Saudi Arabia, friendly pro-Americans. Kim Jong Il elected leader of North Korea, Axis of evil. So, you better have the right democracy appears to be the order of the day.

10. But what I hate about democracy the most is that best, most stable, economically prosperous years I’ve known have been when we had a military dictatorship (GDP output grew from USD 40bn to USD 160bn), when our economy was deemed to potentially be the next China or at the very least India. Under democracy, now we look like the Nigeria’s oil less, religious, drug addled cousin.

Democracy has disappointed me. It’s not the silver bullet, and for a country like our that is so blessed with natural resources our lack of progress is an embarrassment to God’s good graces. According to news reports, the country has the second largest salt mine in the world, fifth largest gold mine, seventh largest copper mine, fifth largest coal reserves, seventh largest wheat and rice production capacity, is eighth in the rankings of fresh water availability and to add to our embarrassment of riches we possess 185 billion tonnes of Thar coal. And even with all those blessed resources we have a fiscal, energy and international trade deficit.

The primary root of my angst is the lack of education. An uneducated stupid electorate will elect similar leaders. However, the government has no incentive to invest in education, and hence budget after budget, election after election all we are feted to is the customary lip service to education. What’s the point of a democracy if your people starve?

Maybe, I'm just out of line (not exactly outlandish) Is Democracy a dish best served cold? Or in our case….space frozen.  

Sadistic: How to Punish with the Corrupt

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Pillion Riding: Double Sawari Zindabad!!!

The Government of Pakistan has banned Pillion riding. Only Government officials and children under the age of 12 are exempt, however that is expected to change once a child (under the age of 12) bearing a Klashnikov takes out a hapless MNA who is already protected by an entire division of Black Water, Pakistani Rangers and the State Police.   

One is admittedly supremely impressed that our highly educated political figures even know what pillion riding even is. Bravo. Double Sawari as it is commonly known is where multiple individuals squeeze themselves onto a motorcycle. The government decided to institute the ban when the number of target killings that occurred via double sawari increased exponentially; Attackers would load up on motorcyles, and their pillion rider(s) would shoot their targets in true drive by fashion. 

First let me applaud the government and express my intense gratitude that the government is so concerned about its own safety. After all, running Pakistan into the ground is an extremely dangerous job, as evidenced by the regiments of body guards required to maintain our political savior's safety.

Unfortunately, even the10 strong vehicle convoys and head of state style protection detail is not enough to maintain the safety our esteemed selfless leaders. And nothing is more important for our nations’ interests than to preserve the safety of our brave leaders. In order to defeat terrorism we must protect the people who stand up and.....whine about how powerless they are to stop it? SHIT FUCK DAMMIT SHITASS POLITICIAN GARBAGE POOPERS  uphold democratic values as embodied by the constitution. 

One is compelled to applaud our brave principled leaders’ unpopular (not to mention completely ineffective) but highly necessary stance to ban pillion riding. They certainly know how to defeat domestic terrorism. One arcane piece of legislation at a time. 

Now I can see why the government would fear for their lives (even I want to beat a bunch of them senseless; those hypocritical, child molesting, step sister banging fucks) , but honestly can they actually justify an outright ban on pillion riding (exempting government officials and children under 12). The reason given is to stop militants. By this logic perhaps they should consider a ban on cars for the same purpose…unfortunately they can’t, as their convoys are highly reliant on having expensive four wheeled vehicles. Pity they can’t walk or take the buses like the people they claim to represent (I claim to represent no one, hence my guilt free driving around Karachi in my imported car with an AC blasting on the ‘Artic Circle’ setting). Global Warming eat your heart out. 

Who does this help? Is Transport Mafia having a hard time filling up their buses?...highly unlikely, buses are still packed to the brim….because…wait for it….Most people in Pakistan can’t afford bikes, but those who do typically attempt to compete with small cars in terms of number of passengers.

Dammit Riding Pillion is freaking cool, look at Aamir Khan, that bastard can afford a couple of dozen tricked out Monster Trucks....then again, maybe he's just being paid to sit there.  

Is it safer to ban it? Yes, pillion riding in Pakistan’s bumpy roads is hardly the modicum of safety but no one has ever forced another person to ride pillion style. We live in Pakistan, we have to contend with bomb blasts, large scale faulty wiring and swarms of criminal activity on a daily basis. Pillion riding is safe as all hell by comparison. Those who ride pillion style do so out of necessity, not desire.

We hate motorcyclists...seriously. They are the worst drivers on the planet, all they do is bitch and complain about how poor they are compared to people who own cars (your much richer than the dude who has to walk or take the bus, asshole) and if they ever get into an accident, they always manage to inflict more remunerative damage on others than on their own rides. So naturally there a vendetta against motorcyclists: Every person I know owns a car hates motorcyclists and I have never seen a motor cyclist elected to Parliament. If there is anything else we can do to make your lives hell, feel free to let us know or bust ass at work, get promoted and get yourself a car. Gari walla (Dudes who own cars) Zindabad. 

It’s really a morality law; 'May no man every ride with a girl', it's disgusting yo...do it in the back seat OF A CAR like everybody else. It benefits the politicians’ car driving progeny/beneficiaries and increases their ability to pick up girls. After all, the buses are in a putrid state and walking is just plain boring. 

Through this law, the government can now further reduce interaction between the sexes; how completely deviously brilliant of them. Besides, seeing two (or three) guys huddled together on a bike is one of the most gay friendly things you will ever see. Oh, how cute do those guys look grinding against each other and holding hands on that rackety bike. 

What I think the real purpose of this ban, is that the cops can use this inane law to catch other suspected criminals. No one would dare suggest that our honest cops would use this law as an excuse to increase their bribery revenue. Yep, no one. Besides, Cops are exempt from the law.     

Actually this law is completely logical. Once our esteemed elected officials feel safe, they’ll be able to focus on legislation and actually work for the betterment of the country. Ever wonder why military governments’ (appear to) get things done? It’s because they are all packing heat 24/7. You mess with the military and they'll drone bomb your house and pretend that the Americans troops did it. 

Oh, incase anyone is wondering, the ban isn’t working and oddly enough, even odder people are actually getting together to protest against it. So, Pakistani's won’t protest against corrupt government officials, but pillion riding is protest worthy...national strategic concern even. What a nation we live in.

A version of this piece was published on Dawn.com

Career Day: Politicians

Why Become a Politician?....because LOL... it's like Freaking AWESOME!!! 

Becoming a politican is a terrific civic minded thing to do, by deciding devote one's life to public service, one (mostly land owning men) get to shape the destiny of our country. Plus you get flithy swim in a vat of steaming gold & wipe your ass with USD 100 dollar bills (Pak rupee depreciates far too much) rich.

Women have a significant number of reserved seat in the national and provincial assemblies, they don't seem to have the influence to go with it. Because the truth of the matter is women MNA's are picked by Men. 

Minister or MNA, most people can't tell differentiate . Just because a car has a tacky MNA emblem emblazoned accross the licencse plate doesn't mean that they are a sitting minister. Though I do wonder, that if an MNA car is involved in a hit and run, how exactly do you explain that.....after all.....which MNA? There are hundreds and they seem permanent ensconced in the major cities. In fact some have body doubles and chill in all of them.

The beauty about male politicans is that they don't really have to be the politican. Here comes the MNA....well, he's actually not the MNA, but his wife is...so you can say he is the real MNA. To be fair, in Argentina after their President stepped down, his wife was elected President. My Hero. 

As a political stalwart you get to drive on the lyari expressway and talk about how your hard work had a vital role in building it and without your support that this would never have come into being. Ofcourse this discounts the fact that the express way has been shut down for the day...but who gives a shit about the commoners....blue bloods all the way!

Awesome bandookh brandishing body guard, it's every guys dream to be a hero, but to have your own personal blackwater style army. How freaking awesome is that....and since we have testosterome control issues, we are completely capable of finding new conflicts with which to use them...So we can't pick fights with the other political parties because we don't want the military stepping in, dissolving parliament and subsequently kicking our asses....we can't fight with the military since they have alot more guns...and nukes than we do....so maybe we can pick a fight with those rural bandits...or terrorists....or whatever the US decides to call them this week.

Babes Babes Babes. One cannot say a man chooses politics because of hot women MNA , even though there are a few, and they seem pretty subservient . Women are suckers for power. Don't worry, men are suckers for hot girls. So it works out. This whole navigating a corporate life in order to get the car, the house, the ladies and the big fat bank account is much more efficiently achieved by going into politics.

Loose morals are a plus, in politics you don't have to be squeeky clean (infact it is an utterly devastating disadvantage).

All you need is: Land, Land, Land and friends in Politics...blood relations already in politics is an added bonus. If no land is present, pretend you do, go to a far flung bit of Pakistan and announce yourself as their savour, promise to bring them the world's biggest mosque (because the town's 38 people really can't keep using that verandah anymore), build huge dams, have massive subsidies, free food & water etc  and also claim to be related to the most influential person their, if they don't buy it, then wed that guy's daughter (note: do not forget to leave her there...afterall, moving away from home is very traumatic and you wouldn't want that for your jaanuman) or just marry the Quran 4 times if (she's really really....really ugly and if) you can swing it.

Politicians look really powerful and important, but the truth is that cumulatively, other than attending parties at the Marriott, show boating on TV and occasionally showing up the assembly to lambast the opposition, there isn't a whole lot to do. Though i'm sure that they get really sweet business cards that probably disintegrate whenever a government is dissolved (our printing costs must be insane).

So to all of you nice unemployed folk out their, do us all a favor and adjust your career path to Politics! It's rewarding even though you may never reach heaven. 

Politics, Parenting or Pandering?

Society's pandering and preaching complicates any healthy degree of interaction between the sexes. Then again, I'm sure that's what parents (of women in particular) are heavily in favor off. But there are already enough impediments without the government wanting a piece of the action.

The Family Impediments: Let’s meet Mom & Dad; Chance of success of meeting their Daughters with their approval; Nil. Chance of Girl Meeting their Son; 50%

The Dad Issue: It's tough for a guy to get to know a girl in a healthy manner, and Fathers in particular, prefer it that way. As far Dads are concerned, the only boys their daughters ought to speak with are ones that doesn't exist. The 'Beti, Get yourself an imaginary friend' syndrome if you will. But, if a father see's his virile son 'hanging out' with girls, it's a sign of how masculine his son is and that its time to hand out Cigars and buy the boy his first Kalashnikov.

Mom Protection Agency: Moms are terrific, but let no one be fooled, these women are hell bent on protecting their daughters’ perceived ‘piety’, even if it means hiring their girls a personalized Black Water security detail. Instructions are simple, 'If you see a larka talk to her, shoot him'. On the flip side, if a mother sees her sons associating with the opposite sex, they immediately assume that the girl is trying to ‘trap’ him. What a world we live in.

There is some perception, that guys will pursue anything in a skirt, well that may be true, but girls in Pakistan don't wear skirts…in public, so parents don't need to worry.

Now, the government, in all of its boredom has decided to prioritize the moral protection of the youth. Apparently boys and girls talking via text and phone calls at night has become a national concern. So the Punjabi Assembly passed a resolution demanding that mobile companies stop promoting ‘cheap rate, late night packages that alter societal tendencies’ and simply ban them. Luckily for us, they haven’t yet discovered of ‘Instant Messenger’ or the ‘Internet’.

I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but cheap mobile packages don't corrupt the youth, society corrupts the youth. The last generation grew up without cell phones, internet, cable television and Gossip Girl, and they've hardly turned out as bastions of virtue.

The Youth’s desire for a healthy communicative relationship doesn't evaporate because it gets a few bucks more expensive. They invest in relationships like the army invests in defense; often and expensively.

I can fume, I can cry or I can ridicule.

I’ve decided to go with ridicule.

So let’s help our virtuous virtuouso government out. What other inane acts of grand standing can they do to prevent the altering of societal tendencies in today’s youth?

They can start with the establishment of the Aunties United in Napalming & Tormenting the Youth Ministry; The AUNTY Ministry, will be responsible for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice amongst the youth; They are committed to preventing vice by minimizing any interaction between boys and girls, they will promote virtue by…well, thats in next year's budget.

Their first act will be to recruit Aunty Disco Project to play at their launch ceremony and roll out their agenda.

1. Shopping Malls Law: Women will only be allowed to visit shopping areas for certain hours of the day. The Aunty Ministry can liberally whip (yes they will be issued made in china whips) the predominantly male shop owners at will...how they dare look at their customers during a good price haggling. Men are recommended to discover or launch a Pakistani version of E-Bay.

2. Face to Face Interactions Initiative: The solution is very simple; Don't let women leave their homes....ever, female parliamentarians can put a webcam up in the parliament and vote via G-Chat. In fact, the Aunty ministry will combine this in their recommendation for a massive expansion of online colleges and classes. How dare those boys be in a situation where they might even smell a girl !?!

3. Messenger & Email Laws: The Aunty Ministry will launch a multi-billion dollar initiative to destroy all Pakistani chat rooms and install state of the art spam blockers on individual accounts that prevent any online interaction…. I hate to break it to the Aunty Ministry, but we’re the ones who will be writing the programs for these firewalls, and odds are pretty good that we’ll find a way around them…just to prove that we can.

4. Gaming Zones Restrictions: Currently, these are man havens. Girls don't play video games, however in anticipation of the Mehndi version of Dance Dance Revolution & Rock Band, the Aunty Ministry recommends a ban for all women. Oddly, enough this will be the one proclamation that neither sex will be too bothered with. Win?

5. Restaurants Regulations: Close down all 'family' sections of restaurants, and keep video cameras that relay the footage on the web and allow parents (and the Aunty ministry) to track these scandalous couples, and appropriately punish them by lamenting how they shamed their last 29 generations. I always enjoy a good show with my dinner.

6. Education Policy: All institutions are to be single sex. Keep anything with a reasonable level of testosterone from entering girl’s schools (women won’t be entering all guy institutions), this would uplift female employment and reduce the number of dogs roaming around the premises. Men are recommended to actually attend school. (Note: The hair and makeup industry might go bankrupt).

The Big Idea:

Today’s 'youth' don't need paternalistic protectionist polices (though in our heart of hearts we are honored that our elected officials care...flattered really), however, we'd greatly appreciate it if they could focus their energies on prevalent issues like load shedding, unemployment, food prices etc.... that would be simply splendid of them.

Politicians are elected to govern, not to preach, particularly when their own track record sucks. Pity the youth don't vote….maybe we should?

A Pakistanily Correct Version was Reluctantly Published on Dawn.com

Newspapers Suck

Why I Wrote This:

Newspapers suck, they are depressing to read and just plain awful by virtual any metric; full of bad grammar, incomplete sentences, rhetoric driven ideas, inane articles and just plain bat shit dribble.

As one can imagine, these traits tend to annoy me. I'm a very understanding fellow, but even I have my limits with regards to partisanship, stupidity and the promulgation of inferiority in a mediocre business.

The facts been made clear to me that Newspapers have a tough time making ends meet with the meteoric rise of the Internet, increasing number of news media channels and heavily slashed corporate advertising budgets.....MAN THE FUCK UP!

Excuses are useless, what solutions does the industry have? Are they really that devoid of ideas that these self proclaimed protectors of freedom, democracy and a good cup of tea really need to whine....all the time. What's next a subsidy on printing paper? 

Everyone ought to be allowed to whine for about two minutes, then you have to be a grown up and find solutions, or deservedly get fired.

Here are some ideas for this retarded segment of the media industry; I figured I ought to help out......after all, I write for some publications free lance and feel humiliated whenever I find misspellings, faulty analysis and terrible fact checking glorified on the front and back pages (those morons are super consistent, I'll give them that).

1. Fire the Editorial Morons: Fire the Editors and Hire high school level English grammar teachers; at the very least they'll sort out the awful grammatical mistakes these guys take for granted, (Note: unless you are as famous as an American Rapper you are not allowed to misspell words and expect it to be okay); Currently, the readers simply assume that the writers can't write, and the editors can't edit. The best newspaper award is a celebration of mediocrity, the bar ought to be raised.  

In the midst of this ethnic cleansing style gutting of newspaper head honchos, I'd humbly suggest that they eradicate the self proclaimed master word smiths who like to glorify themselves with their all encompassing 'Queens English' vocabulary....remember, this is Pakistan, not every one has a SAT vocab you freaking snobs! and most of the Pakistanis that do, don't actually live here.

These newly converted editors will also give the articles some flow and make them easier to understand....also threaten to fire them every 3 months....just in case some of them get lazy and start getting comfortable with the perks of a Press card.

2. Stop with the Conspiracy theories....Seriously: These have gotten very old. Report news, Newspapers are not a glorified gossip column. Get over the whole 'the Government is oppressing the media drama by not letting us go into a War zone crap'...It's a fucking War Zone you cluster fucking idiots!...if you go and die, it doesn't make you idiots look any better, though it would be a what up! to evolution if the Government did decide allow unfettered access.

Basically, this perpetual soap opera is getting boring, it's old, it's expected, its not shocking. Oh and quit blaming the Jews for everything, we mess up things fine ourselves and we ought to freaking learn the word 'accountability'...and so should you. If you are going to publish these idiotic conjectures, at least have the decency the name your sources. Man Up!

3. They are Newspapers, not Hate-papers: The Newspaper shouldn't be cited as the leading cause for suicide. Stop making reading the morning newspaper so damn depressing. Yes things in Pakistan are not perfect, but reading any paper cover to cover on a daily basis just makes me ashamed to be a Pakistani and I really don't need that on a daily basis.

Where is the hope? In some glib one liner at the end of a critical piece hoping that the powers that be pay attention? Newspapers in Pakistan make it's reader pessimistic about the future of Pakistan. Assholes, we don't need your help with that. Try to find something about Pakistan that even skeptics can take pride in and promote that. This is the only country we have, fingers crossed we have more going on than yet another political rally.

4. Comics are Amazing: I want more cartoons, comics are the things that got me to read the news paper in the first place. I find them interesting, and today's kids are tomorrows readers. Oh and cartoons are supposed to be entertaining, quit with the education oriented bullshit scripts. Comics make people smile, and eager to check out the days newspaper. That's the attitude that one needs to promulgate. 

5. Here We Are now, Entertain Us: Entertaining news articles and comment pieces, and most importantly, they ought to be written in a way that's both funny and compelling. Say what you will about the Onion but it'll always make you laugh with it's ridiculousness. A paper should have sections that make you look forward to reading it, not dreading the stack as a whole.

6. Show me the Pretty: Hire a graphics designer and redo all of the layout, currently, they are ugly, hard to navigate and not exactly intuitive. Make it easy on the eyes without becoming a cheap tabloid. Trust me, it's possible, papers all over the world do it. Please don't defend the layout with tradition, if you think that's a good enough reason to maintain the status quo, then perhaps newspapers do belong in the museums along with the rest of the historical artifacts. 

7. Pictures of Hot women: Men like hot women, I don't care how they incorporate them, but you need hot women. Worked in the UK, and we all know Pakistani's love our colonial roots. Mother's all over are still looking for the fairest dame for their sons and Face Whitening Creams sales are still through the roof. Hot Women + Full Page Layouts = Sales.

8. Wing Down: Stop withs the wings, right wing agenda, left wing agenda, could you please quit it and find a way to present these pesky things call facts, construct a story and actually debate theories on their merits? Try it, it's a unique concept to Pakistani journalism.

9. Politicians Suck...News Flash...We Are Aware: Please realize that the entire readership is aware that all of the Politicians we elect are very corrupt, but we elect them anyway. Beating your chests with grand self importance doesn't change that fact.

It's the price we pay for 'Democracy'. We've already done the math, catch up. 

10. Make Newspapers Shorter: There is no point in publishing 20 pages of 'News' everyday if only 3 are worth reading. People don't have the time to flip through an entire bloody paper, make it concise, and make it memorable. Get rid of the mass volume of space fillers. Quantity should always we sacrificed for quality. 

People don't read the newspaper anymore, they skim through them, the only people who have the time to actually read the entire newspaper are Retirees and House wives, and even they have lives. If Papers want to remain relevant, they had better start catering themselves to their customers, because the truth is that the next generation will just use online sources and quit their subscriptions. 

11. Online is the Future: Build a decent news site that isn't perpetually understaffed and has the capacity to actually delivers real time news, let readers add comments to each news piece published, making it more interactive (everyone has an opinion). Have videos embedded in the articles themselves to play clips of the news, add some commercials and voila; more ad revenue. Oddly enough traffic will increase as well....now how about that?

The Big Idea;

The industry has become a microcosm of whats wrong in Pakistan, widely praised substandard journalism, coupled with shitty editorial work and a pious holier than thou art attitude, all make reading a newspaper in Pakistan to be a completely useless exercises.

We have papers subscriptions out of habit, but at the current rate the Internet and news channels are expanding, we'll stop seeing the point. And then the media industry are the ones who have to pay. I'm not really concerned about the top level guys, competent or not, they'll find gigs, its the rank and file that get to suffer, and journalism as a whole will suffer. 

End of the day, the media industry as a whole needs to strive to be better, make themselves more relevant as opposed to hiding behind their legacies and near monopolies. In the not so distant future, they won't be worth more than a bucket of spit. Show Some Damn Innovation. 

Perhaps Newspapers have to die before Journalism is reborn?