KGS: Hello World! I am Grammarian Scum

nun lucerna pedibus meis verbum tuum et lumen semitis meis

Thy word is a lantern unto my feet and a light unto my paths.

-Jerome’s Latin Vulgate (405 AD)

Ever so often, in both my professional and personal life I am  pointedly reminded of one thing. Not that I am Desi, Shia Muslim, Wear Glasses or that I have a complete lack of rhythm, but that I am a Grammarian.; hence Elitist Ass Kicking Scum. Not that I particularly mind, being the recipient of the best educational institution in the country has its advantages. Chiefly that the uniform doesn't make one look like an idiot. White shirt with Grey Tussar trousers....and no emblem. The fact that its a kick ass school helps too.

Grammarians

Karachi Grammar School has, as most educational institutions that one is forced to attend for a decade or so, has shaped my upbringing, my opportunities and even my friends. It's without competition, the best School in the country (sorry young pretenders, look on the bright side, second place is wide open). It's because of this privileged experience and subsequent exposure that I have often been lectured that a  being a Grammarian, is a responsibility, a privilege and as cliched as it sounds, a burden. Much is given, much more is expected.

I thrive in it, I love it and damn it, I'm proud of it. Yes, you read right. I, a decent man in my mid-twenties am still damn proud of where I went to High School. I'd staple the fact onto my head if it weren't for the fact that I'm so Grammarian that the minute I start talking, people assume it. On the rare occasions that I somewhat reluctantly mention (it's bad manners to brag) that I went to Karachi Grammar School, the audience eyes widen and an envious glint tends to exhibit itself in a rather disconcerting way. A quick self check tends to validate that my clothes are still on and I'm not dancing in a burlesque club (Thank God, I was not kidding about the sense of rhythm). It rather creepy when someone looks at you with that crazed 'are you an Alien' look. I get better treatment from the good folks at Homeland Security (USA). Atleast they are satisfied after the initial pat down.

Now since I'm a Grammarian, hence a minority, even though not quite an endangered species, I still contend that one ought to defend those rights and remove those popular misconceptions about my 'species'. Apparently Grammarians are a species, I'm guessing Elvin.

I'm sure most Grammarian vs. Other School fights are sparked to life by an inherent curiosity if Grammarians bleed like the rest of Pakistan. We do. The blood is a Royal Purple though. Damn, we're so misunderstood.

Popular conceptions about Grammarians:

1. We're Shallow Snobs; We think we're better than everyone else. Now, every school has it's crowd of Shallow Snobs, Grammar is no different, at least ours can make some modicum of sense. It's called, prestige with a healthy side order of  'I don't give a shit.' Super Size please?

Benazir Bhutto: Grammarian Alumni

On a serious note, when everyone treats you like you're the direct progeny of Albert Einstein, you're bound to develop some airs. After a point, you tend to be drawn to people who go through that same experience. It's tough, particularly when you're not even old enough to drive (legally, or reach the gas pedal for that matter). Its not snobbery, it's just human, we are drawn to others with a similarity of habits. Saddam Hussein and Attila the Hun would have also gotten along famously....if they both were smart enough to get into Grammar School.   

2. Weak Food Processing Durability: We get sick from an old fashioned street bun kebab. Weak stomachs and all that, the addiction to mineral water aside, yes we do tend to consume hygienic food, it's certainly a massive cause for shame. We'll just wallow in misery as our life expectancy outlast the rest of the population. Though in some circles one could contend that we're simply averaging the life expectancy up. True Patriots! Take that World Health Statistics!

3. We can't speak Urdu: Largely True, mine sucks, and as much it must pain me to admit, my Urdu speaking scale generally reflect the average Grammarian level. I know for a fact that my version of Urdu adds countless thousands of rupees to my net spending. Thankfully, by being a Grammarian, I tend to earn countless thousands of rupees more.....my personal conclusion being .....So freaking what? Pump up the Economy me and my peeps do. On a side note, our Urdu isn't as bad as most people think, if you don't believe me, check out the number of A's we score in our O'Levels. It's totally Mash'allah.

4. We have accents: I never quite understood this one. Just because we (by in large) don't speak with a desi jhutt (slang) to all of our pronunciations, speaks volumes of our ability to enunciate. Sue me, we prefer pronouncing words correctly. As God, the Queen of England and my 8th Grade English Language Teacher Mrs. Tahir (who despite describing most of my behavior in words like Audacity and Temerity actually quite liked me) intended. Personally I rather blame all of the other language teachers in Pakistan, they obviously didn't grow up with the luxury of watching copious amounts of Mind Your Language, Yes Minister and Hugh Grant.

5. We all take Tuition Classes: Apparently being academic superstars isn't quite as impressive if you are getting extra help outside school. However, I'd like to point out that so does everyone else, we're quite the academic trendsetters. Next up, Grammarians will become fantastic alcoholics....oops, we've already got that reputation signed sealed and delivered. I wonder if parents blame Grammarians for extensively liberalizing their Wannabe Grammarian kids.....

We're also that Elitist Save the World Cretins Too!

Working harder and putting that extra academic effort also tends to explains why KGS students do better than most other schools. It's not rocket science. We have 6 hours of regular school in a day and on average another 4 hours of tuition....plus homework. So, it's not that we're just overtly smarter (which we would humbly admit that we are), we've also developed this mildly useful thing called work ethic. 

6. We're all super smart: It is no secret that Karachi Grammar School is the most  competitive school to gain admission into in Pakistan. On admission form collection days, parents tend to outnumber the entire student body. We call it, we only want the best of the best syndrome. Choosy lot we are. That is unless you have some political birth right, odds are that you need substantial levels of brain power to be accepted. Admittedly, we tend to discriminate on ability, it's called a meritocracy. After all, you can't fix stupid. Inequality is soooooo unfair.

How many Grammarian girls can you fit into a car?....A World Record Number Infact

7. Grammarians are Westernized: We are just as proud of being Pakistani as anyone else, and believe or not we have alot more to lose if Pakistan doesn't emerge from it's perpetual crisis state than most other people.  A fair proportion of Grammarians do leave Pakistan to pursue a future elsewhere, but most do make their homes here in Pakistan. True some of us may pick up western habits like fancy new designer clothes or a penchant for civilized behavior, but hey, a few chai's at Cafe Clifton, Dinners at BBQ tonight and the odd trip to Sunday Bazaar solves that. I personally recommend a healthy addiction to Slice Mango Juice, Apple Sidra and Pakola Lime.

8. We're All Rich: Contrary to the lines of cars one sees outside the Grammar campuses in Saddar and Boat Basin, the student body of KGS is actually fairly diverse along both socio economic and religious lines. In terms of fees the school is actually the cheapest amongst it's peers (haha, that's assuming we even had peers, which we don't). On top of the lower fees, there are also numerous scholarships for students that are based solely on merit. We take the brilliant and make them even better. That's our modus operandi, if the perception exists that all Grammarians are rich, it's because the student body that emerges excels in every field it meanders into....and that usually result in a pretty substantive payoff. That's a testament to the dogged Grammarian spirit and the reputation of the educational institution. 

9. We have the best looking girls: Yes. Guilty as charged. It's the reason that every male child works so damn hard to get into KGS. It's all about the Chicitas. Pity the ladies tend to be of the smart variety. Tip: Learn some sappy sonnets.  

10. We have an unfair advantage in Life. Yep, we do. That's what we get for being Awesome.

Kofi Annan: Grammarian Alumni

Contrary to popular opinion, no one is born a Grammarian, they earn it, through perseverance, excellence, and a dash of style. All satire aside, you make your own place in the world, being a Grammarian and learning the lessons the institution has to offer just gives you a stronger starting point. The rest is up to your  personal drive, ambition and character. We're just lucky that we tend to attract those who have it in abundance.

Let the Grammarian Hating Begin.

For more information on Karachi Grammar School: 

http://www.kgs.edu.pk/Default.aspx

http://www.ogs.com.pk/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karachi_Grammar_School

Islamic Clerics: Guilty of Breast Milk Fetish

"(June 5) -- Women in Saudi Arabia should give their breast milk to male colleagues and acquaintances in order to avoid breaking strict Islamic law forbidding mixing between the sexes, two powerful Saudi clerics have said. They are at odds, however, over precisely how the milk should be conveyed."

Now the mere fact that a fatwa about adult breast-feeding was deemed worthy of a 'fatwa' in the first place should be indication enough that we, somewhere have gone seriously awry...that's strange even as some fatwas tend to go. All of this bizarreness in order to establish "maternal relations" that would obviously preclude the possibility of sexual contact is crazy, even for the Muslim world. Can any Cleric issue a fatwa on anything he feels like?

Our beloved Mullahs have already covered enough weird topics banning Pokemon (Obviously Jewish) and Sponge Bob Square pants (Atrociously Gay), so what's next? A fatwa on taking naps during work (not that I'd ever do that....and get caught). or perhaps the number of toothpicks prescribed for post meal clean up and maybe culminating in a fatwa against Football...oops they already covered that one. However, you are allowed to if you are training for Jihad....just saying.

Then there is Misyar , which. Sort like prostitution but without the pay off. Sweet and innovative. It's like a legalized booty call; basically like a friend with benefits and you don' t have to financially support her anymore. So it's basically 'getting it on' for "getting it on's" sake...with religious permission. There is something oddly genius about this that only a man could come up with.

Sheikh Al Obeikan, an adviser to the Saudi royal court and consultant to the Ministry of Justice, set off a firestorm of controversy recently when he said on TV that women who come into regular contact with men who aren't related to them ought to give them their breast milk so they will be considered relatives.

"The man should take the milk, but not directly from the breast of the woman," Al Obeikan said, according to Gulf News. "He should drink it and then becomes a relative of the family, a fact that allows him to come in contact with the women without breaking Islam's rules about mixing."

Al Obeikan (Obi 'Yes You" Kan) made the statement after being asked on Television interview about a 2007 fatwa issued by an Egyptian scholar about adult breast-feeding, said that the breast milk ought to be pumped out and given to men in a glass.

Now, a sane person would imagine that there would be outrage or atleast a little debate. However, the only debate that followed his remarks was an announcement by another high-profile sheik, Abi Ishaq Al Huwaini (Obi Who Won...ee?), who proclaimed that men should suckle the breast milk directly from a woman's breast......(I'm Still In Shock)

Shortly after this debate errupted, a bus driver reportedly told one of the female teachers whom he drives regularly that for religious reasons he wanted to suckle milk from her breast. The teacher has threaten to file a lawsuit against him, her family may not feel so charitable. I wonder what Egyptian Gun Laws look like?

Now, one has to wonder where this perverted fatwa stems from? Under Islamic law, women are encouraged to breast-feed their children until the age of 2. It is not uncommon for sisters, for example, to breast-feed their nephews so they and their daughters will not have to cover their faces in front of them later in life. The custom is called being a "breast milk sibling." (trust me, I can't make this stuff up).

But under Islamic law, breast milk siblings have to be breastfed before the age of 2 in five "fulfilling" sessions. Islam prohibits sexual relations between a man and any woman who breastfed him in infancy. They are then allowed to be alone together when the man is an adult because he is not considered a potential mate. Apparently no one tracks the google search for the term 'Milf', 'Incest' or 'breast milk fetish'....oddly enough it's a rather popular fetish.

Moreover, the thought of a huge hairy face at a woman's breast does not evoke motherly or even brotherly feelings. It could go from the grotesque to the erotic but definitely not maternal."

Unlawful mixing between the sexes is taken very seriously in Saudi Arabia. In March 2009, a 75-year-old Syrian widow, Khamisa Mohammed Sawadi, living in the city of Al-Chamil, was given 40 lashes and sentenced to six months in prison after the religious police learned that two men who were not related to her were in her house, delivering bread to her.

One of the two men found in her house, Fahd, told the police that Sawadi breast-fed him as a baby so he was considered a son and had a right to be there. But in a later court ruling, a judge said it could not be proved that Fahd was her "breast milk son." Fahd was sentenced to four months in prison and 40 lashes, and the man who accompanied him got six months and 60 lashes.

The original adult breast-feeding fatwa was issued three years ago by an Egyptian scholar at Egypt's al-Azhar University, considered Sunni Islam's top university. Ezzat Attiya (Who is Zat At Eya?) was expelled from the university after advocating breast-feeding of men as a way to circumnavigate segregation of the sexes in Egypt. What can I say, he may be a freak, but he's ballsy.

Well, I do suppose it'll be more maternal if the man sucks the milk out from the woman breast. Perhaps the man should wear a diaper and the women must be obligated to talcum powder, change him and rock him to sleep. Cleaning up puke is definitely a given...As is spanking.

Are fetishes actually halal now? I imagine elbow sex, toe fetishes and ear lobes are next. Maybe even Tranny play. Do these guys ever bother issuing fatwas on things that actually matter? Like terrorism, tolerance, womens rights? How do they expect to spread the message of Islam if their primary audience appears to be sexual deviants....then again, it just might work....not.

How am I, as a (relatively) normal Muslim, supposed to take this seriously?   

Sadistic: How to Punish with the Corrupt

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How to Improve Pakistan's Crappy Image

Why I Wrote This:

We seriously need to improve our PR. Our Government is horrible at it. We do dumb things and then say even dumber things whilst defending it. Seriously we need to start spinning things in a good way. So I've come up with several measures which ought to improve Pakistan's global standing, and frankly considering how much we like getting foreign aid, it's the only audience we truly care about.


1. Market Your Country Properly: No, I'm not suggesting we hawk Pakistan like it's a product, even though the idea has some merit. Hire Hot Foreign Tour Guides to travel the country and take tourists groups to Parliament. The tourists will be spell bound by our Country's scenery...and the tour guides if our selection process from the Brazilian Brothels is correct....and before you know it, they'll have no idea what the problem with Pakistan was?

Now these Imported tour guides will have many functions, like learning about Pakistan's history (our version, not India's) and on the off season (like Pakistan actually gets tourists in the first place), they can be assigned to teach in rural Pakistani schools. I can almost guarantee that male Pakistani boy's academic performance will improve exponentially, we might even have our own Albert Einstein...without the Jewishness....and bad hair.

2. Hosting Wicked Fun International Conferences: Pakistan ought to host SAARC, the UN, NATO etc (it's good manners to return the favor). Instead of the usual political correct procedural crap We can make it interesting and have all International delegations have their meetings in classy whore houses (by classy, we mean the curtains ought to be drawn).

Since most international meetings are in fact boring, tedious and full of dumb self important speeches (except to the minority of super dorks), we feel that we have much to contribute in the sphere of entertaining and learning....with emphasis on the entertaing. We ought to entertain our guest will cool social mixers, complete with exotic food, shows, Belly Dancers, Lollywood whores....I mean stars. Eventually Pakistan will be like the Play Boy mansion for foreign diplomats....Hell, we'll build them a Play boy mansion....I hear the President's house isn't really being used...Soon enough, we'll have corporate clients.

3. Women Rule Ordinances: Pass a wide ranging resolutions saying how awesome women are and how they OUGHT to have lots of rights.....it won't do anything, it's just good PR. In order to make sure the legislation passes, tie it up with some Pakistani based beauty pageants...It'll be super liberal yo!

India has won tonnes of these international 'honors', why can't we have the world no.1 most desirable wannabe slut? ...we'll even 'leak' a sex video...promise.

4. Global Charity Work: Set some charities up for things like Haiti, Obama's receding hairline maybe even a fund for Bernie Madoff's Ponzie scheme victims, God knows that their mansions could use a fresh coat of paint.

 If we are broke we can just find innovative ways to be charitable, send some unemployed guys to be the painters and pool boys Madoff's 'Investors' (who are idiots btw), and to Haiti we can send some Wheat...we have a shit load just stocked up. I do think there is a great deal of social utility to be gained via bikini car washes to pay down America's Deficit....hell, Bikini Car washes are profitable!...not that we'll be keeping a slice of the profits or anything....

5. Grand Safari Drive: Import exotic elephants from Africa, breed them (make them temperamental and huge with steroids), paint them green and invite hunting expeditions. If we can catch some Taliban, we can do the same to them....

'Imagine the experience, $1 Million per elephant and $2 Million for a Taliban...that's an experience for a life time foreigner Dude/Mate/Amigo!'.... We'll be getting paid to have people we'd kill for free hunted down. How awesome and innovative is that?

6. Tax Prostitution:  These Women work as hard as men do, even though men have to get hard in order for them to do their work, but I digress. We ought to tax their hard work, after all, they work hard for their money, the government is surely entitled to spend it on their behalf.... however there is the down/upside that once a prostitutes registers herself, she'll be targeted by fundamentalist nut jobs who are trying to protect our morality....hey assholes, why don't you stop going to them in the first place, it's not our fault you are that ugly and are so desperate that you want to hook up with the girl that everyone else has....

7. Proper Incentives for Foreign Direct Investment: Provide Tax Exemptions to foreign exploitative multinationals, allow them to buy people into a slavery like arrangement, I'm sure Pakistan's rural Feudal lords would be willing sellers. Foreign companies would start pressuring their countries to be really nice to us. After all, why suck up to each country individually, while you can suck up to an international conglomerate and get everyone on board that way. Damn, our government lacks some good common sense.

8. Recreational Atmosphere: One of the great things about Saudi Arabia, is that they let their expatriate workers drink and let their women drive as long as they are in their compound. I think we should steal that idea and add a Pakistani twist. Open some bad ass bars...but open them on properties owned by other countries...neutral ground if you will. It can be called, 'cultural centers' and it'll be a nice little side earner.

 All the Ambassadors and embassy folk can rave about how awesome we are and that the news reports of 'Dangerous Pakistan' are all just a batch of lies...we ofcourse expect them to be perpetually drunk henceforth. In fact Bilawal Bhutto, Pakistan's heir apparent might make a comeback...then again, he can't possible do any more damage in the UK than he could here....good thing he doesn't inherit the country....oh shit... DAMMIT...

9. Professional Media Spinning: Hire professional dirt spewing strategists (probably republican, which is good since most are unemployed) and have them go on international networks lauding Pakistan. They can also be part of our charm offensive by producing cool provactive ads for eg. Saying how going to India sucks because it's dirty, but Pakistan is awesome because it's so clean and fun filled.

They can also develop attack ads, so whenever a country bad mouths us or doesn't give us money we were promised (we need our pocket money, we're fighting a war on terror here), we can put out ads publicizing the failings of that government and how they are letting millions of innocent people die.

We also feel their is great utility in televising the hard work the parliament does, and with carefully choreographed fight scenes, we can show out allies how serious we are about fighting terror and enacting sound fiscal non-corrupt policies. Gotta love freedom of speech.

10. Half Promises With Billions in Return: Say we might consider recognizing Israel as a country if they are willing to give us aid to the tune of $1 billion or so per year, we can spin it as saying we are taking their money and weakening the Zionists...it'll work seriously, though the Israelis might get pissed when start using the money to fund those Palestinian rocket launching stone throwing chaps. But this 'charitable giving' will subvertly make us look super awesome in the Arab/Muslim Ummah world. All we need to do is leak it via the our super secretive 'intelligence agencies'

That said, we do have a game plan when Israel realized that they are being duped. It's so simple we keep forgetting. Pretend Iran and Saudi Arabia did it....if that doesn't work, we can hand over a few Taliban....We Got Millions!....and to think that we considered them as a foreign liability.

The Big Idea:

We could be honest, less corrupt and actually find real solutions to solve our local and national issues, but that would difficult, and why bother when you can do ridiculously superficial things and hire professional spinners to make us seem, well....Rad.

I love being Rad, wouldn't you?