KGS: Hello World! I am Grammarian Scum

nun lucerna pedibus meis verbum tuum et lumen semitis meis

Thy word is a lantern unto my feet and a light unto my paths.

-Jerome’s Latin Vulgate (405 AD)

Ever so often, in both my professional and personal life I am  pointedly reminded of one thing. Not that I am Desi, Shia Muslim, Wear Glasses or that I have a complete lack of rhythm, but that I am a Grammarian.; hence Elitist Ass Kicking Scum. Not that I particularly mind, being the recipient of the best educational institution in the country has its advantages. Chiefly that the uniform doesn't make one look like an idiot. White shirt with Grey Tussar trousers....and no emblem. The fact that its a kick ass school helps too.

Grammarians

Karachi Grammar School has, as most educational institutions that one is forced to attend for a decade or so, has shaped my upbringing, my opportunities and even my friends. It's without competition, the best School in the country (sorry young pretenders, look on the bright side, second place is wide open). It's because of this privileged experience and subsequent exposure that I have often been lectured that a  being a Grammarian, is a responsibility, a privilege and as cliched as it sounds, a burden. Much is given, much more is expected.

I thrive in it, I love it and damn it, I'm proud of it. Yes, you read right. I, a decent man in my mid-twenties am still damn proud of where I went to High School. I'd staple the fact onto my head if it weren't for the fact that I'm so Grammarian that the minute I start talking, people assume it. On the rare occasions that I somewhat reluctantly mention (it's bad manners to brag) that I went to Karachi Grammar School, the audience eyes widen and an envious glint tends to exhibit itself in a rather disconcerting way. A quick self check tends to validate that my clothes are still on and I'm not dancing in a burlesque club (Thank God, I was not kidding about the sense of rhythm). It rather creepy when someone looks at you with that crazed 'are you an Alien' look. I get better treatment from the good folks at Homeland Security (USA). Atleast they are satisfied after the initial pat down.

Now since I'm a Grammarian, hence a minority, even though not quite an endangered species, I still contend that one ought to defend those rights and remove those popular misconceptions about my 'species'. Apparently Grammarians are a species, I'm guessing Elvin.

I'm sure most Grammarian vs. Other School fights are sparked to life by an inherent curiosity if Grammarians bleed like the rest of Pakistan. We do. The blood is a Royal Purple though. Damn, we're so misunderstood.

Popular conceptions about Grammarians:

1. We're Shallow Snobs; We think we're better than everyone else. Now, every school has it's crowd of Shallow Snobs, Grammar is no different, at least ours can make some modicum of sense. It's called, prestige with a healthy side order of  'I don't give a shit.' Super Size please?

Benazir Bhutto: Grammarian Alumni

On a serious note, when everyone treats you like you're the direct progeny of Albert Einstein, you're bound to develop some airs. After a point, you tend to be drawn to people who go through that same experience. It's tough, particularly when you're not even old enough to drive (legally, or reach the gas pedal for that matter). Its not snobbery, it's just human, we are drawn to others with a similarity of habits. Saddam Hussein and Attila the Hun would have also gotten along famously....if they both were smart enough to get into Grammar School.   

2. Weak Food Processing Durability: We get sick from an old fashioned street bun kebab. Weak stomachs and all that, the addiction to mineral water aside, yes we do tend to consume hygienic food, it's certainly a massive cause for shame. We'll just wallow in misery as our life expectancy outlast the rest of the population. Though in some circles one could contend that we're simply averaging the life expectancy up. True Patriots! Take that World Health Statistics!

3. We can't speak Urdu: Largely True, mine sucks, and as much it must pain me to admit, my Urdu speaking scale generally reflect the average Grammarian level. I know for a fact that my version of Urdu adds countless thousands of rupees to my net spending. Thankfully, by being a Grammarian, I tend to earn countless thousands of rupees more.....my personal conclusion being .....So freaking what? Pump up the Economy me and my peeps do. On a side note, our Urdu isn't as bad as most people think, if you don't believe me, check out the number of A's we score in our O'Levels. It's totally Mash'allah.

4. We have accents: I never quite understood this one. Just because we (by in large) don't speak with a desi jhutt (slang) to all of our pronunciations, speaks volumes of our ability to enunciate. Sue me, we prefer pronouncing words correctly. As God, the Queen of England and my 8th Grade English Language Teacher Mrs. Tahir (who despite describing most of my behavior in words like Audacity and Temerity actually quite liked me) intended. Personally I rather blame all of the other language teachers in Pakistan, they obviously didn't grow up with the luxury of watching copious amounts of Mind Your Language, Yes Minister and Hugh Grant.

5. We all take Tuition Classes: Apparently being academic superstars isn't quite as impressive if you are getting extra help outside school. However, I'd like to point out that so does everyone else, we're quite the academic trendsetters. Next up, Grammarians will become fantastic alcoholics....oops, we've already got that reputation signed sealed and delivered. I wonder if parents blame Grammarians for extensively liberalizing their Wannabe Grammarian kids.....

We're also that Elitist Save the World Cretins Too!

Working harder and putting that extra academic effort also tends to explains why KGS students do better than most other schools. It's not rocket science. We have 6 hours of regular school in a day and on average another 4 hours of tuition....plus homework. So, it's not that we're just overtly smarter (which we would humbly admit that we are), we've also developed this mildly useful thing called work ethic. 

6. We're all super smart: It is no secret that Karachi Grammar School is the most  competitive school to gain admission into in Pakistan. On admission form collection days, parents tend to outnumber the entire student body. We call it, we only want the best of the best syndrome. Choosy lot we are. That is unless you have some political birth right, odds are that you need substantial levels of brain power to be accepted. Admittedly, we tend to discriminate on ability, it's called a meritocracy. After all, you can't fix stupid. Inequality is soooooo unfair.

How many Grammarian girls can you fit into a car?....A World Record Number Infact

7. Grammarians are Westernized: We are just as proud of being Pakistani as anyone else, and believe or not we have alot more to lose if Pakistan doesn't emerge from it's perpetual crisis state than most other people.  A fair proportion of Grammarians do leave Pakistan to pursue a future elsewhere, but most do make their homes here in Pakistan. True some of us may pick up western habits like fancy new designer clothes or a penchant for civilized behavior, but hey, a few chai's at Cafe Clifton, Dinners at BBQ tonight and the odd trip to Sunday Bazaar solves that. I personally recommend a healthy addiction to Slice Mango Juice, Apple Sidra and Pakola Lime.

8. We're All Rich: Contrary to the lines of cars one sees outside the Grammar campuses in Saddar and Boat Basin, the student body of KGS is actually fairly diverse along both socio economic and religious lines. In terms of fees the school is actually the cheapest amongst it's peers (haha, that's assuming we even had peers, which we don't). On top of the lower fees, there are also numerous scholarships for students that are based solely on merit. We take the brilliant and make them even better. That's our modus operandi, if the perception exists that all Grammarians are rich, it's because the student body that emerges excels in every field it meanders into....and that usually result in a pretty substantive payoff. That's a testament to the dogged Grammarian spirit and the reputation of the educational institution. 

9. We have the best looking girls: Yes. Guilty as charged. It's the reason that every male child works so damn hard to get into KGS. It's all about the Chicitas. Pity the ladies tend to be of the smart variety. Tip: Learn some sappy sonnets.  

10. We have an unfair advantage in Life. Yep, we do. That's what we get for being Awesome.

Kofi Annan: Grammarian Alumni

Contrary to popular opinion, no one is born a Grammarian, they earn it, through perseverance, excellence, and a dash of style. All satire aside, you make your own place in the world, being a Grammarian and learning the lessons the institution has to offer just gives you a stronger starting point. The rest is up to your  personal drive, ambition and character. We're just lucky that we tend to attract those who have it in abundance.

Let the Grammarian Hating Begin.

For more information on Karachi Grammar School: 

http://www.kgs.edu.pk/Default.aspx

http://www.ogs.com.pk/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karachi_Grammar_School

A 6th Graders Bucket List (II)

The first Bucket list was far too long, so here are the rest of these notorious 6th grade dreamer kids crazy life experiences they'd want to have before they die. Here are some more gems which I thought I ought to share.

btw: I think these kids are all high.

Enjoy.

Sky dive in slow motion. (Wow....)

Break an air conditioner. (Have you tried...dropping it?)

Attack a wolf. (And pray that he's sleeping)

Sleep underwater. (Watery graves are the mob's specialty)

Capture an octopus. (and do what with it?)

Have a party in space. (Sweet)

Go inside the Treasury Building and steal the treasures. (he's going to be so disappointed when he grows up)

Become a Ghost Hunter. (Solid pension benefits complete with early retirement)

Travel to Uranus. (this one had me in tears because they didn't get it)

Go see a demolition derby and pray for the people there. (I love it)

Fight my karate instructor. (Any odds on winning)

Ride a jet pack. (love it)

Enslave the dolphins. (Your guess is as good as mine)

Jump from a 12-story building onto my bed. (Hope your close by)

Punch and fight a bank robber. (Find one)

Figure out how to not die. (Good Luck....keep me posted)

Find the Kraken. (.....)

Raise a monkey. (Much Like Children I imagine)

Crash a plane into something. (This child is not Muslim)

Defenestrate myself. (No comment needed)

Throw quarters out of a plane. (How much damage could that cause?)

Join the Army. (respect)

Have a conversation with a parrot. (About global warming no doubt)

Pull a tiger's tail and run. (Run fast little one)

Jump off a cruise boat. (I hope you can swim)

Go to jail and then do a prison break. (I hope they realize that it's not a reality show...)

Ride on top of a helicopter. (think about that...)

Eat a killer whale and say "Who's the killer now?!" (Bad Ass Moby Dick)

Cut a volcano open with a chainsaw. (Molten Madnes)

Ride a horse backwards. (yessssssss)

Jump in a pool with a crocodile. (For What? To exchange compliments?)

Walk into the Apple Store and tell everyone "I'm a PC". (Sweet)

Win the lottery and get $1,000. (hahahahahahaha winner winner, chicken dinner)

Do the moonwalk ON THE MOON. (Love it)

Play with a gorilla. (Chess I imagine)

Make my sister cry. (hmm)

Go to the zoo and call out the gorillas until they fight me. (This is how evolution happens)

Make a hole in a shark tank and run away before anyone notices. (How fast can you run?)

Fill a pool with chocolate and wrestle someone in it. (Wait. Till. College.)

Eat a rat. (Yuck)

Buy a mansion, burn it, cash in on insurance. (Criminal Minds Start Young)

Fight a bird. (I vote ostrich)

Hunt a gorilla. (Banana Robber!)

Jump off the moon. (To where?)

Destroy a house with rocks. Only rocks. (Forrest Gump Lover)

Get shot while I wear a bullet-proof vest.(Still hurts dude)

Kill time. (Worthy Goal Young Einstien)

Get some muscles. (One Day)

Mutate a human being (Into What?)

What's in your bucket list? Mine grows every day, todays was sky dive out of my Office Window....It was a beautiful day. 

A 6th Graders Bucket List

Kid's say the funniest things they are implicitly creative and utterly honest; I am still convinced that I'm a kid in an adults body.

One of my friend's from school is a teacher in an urban crap shoot in hell chances of succeeding public school. 

As part of an assignment, he asked his 6th graders what they're hopes and dreams were aka, what do they want to accomplish in life. Some how, it became more like a bucket list. 

Note: these are actual goals as provided from actual 6th grade American students. The only things he altered are spelling and grammar...Obviously, they were given (a lot of ) license to dream. 

The Bucket List:

Punch a stranger in the face and say "You know what you did..." (Well, we are all guilty of something or the other)

Demolish a building with bombs. (Future Arsonist, imminently to be put on an FBI watch list)

Lose some weight. (I felt guilty when I read this one, screw you Paris 'Anorexic is Awesome' Hilton)

Jump off of a giraffe. (Probably more of an accomplishment to stay on a giraffe)


Tomato fight in Italy. (Apparently this is ensures quality tomato sauce)

Dress like Pac-Man and then go into the arcade and play nothing but Pac-Man. When I run out of quarters I will just chase people around the arcade. (Totally amazing)

Play soccer with the Queen of England. (I bet she has a mean right boot)

Wear a Real Madrid soccer uniform with my last name on it, go to Madrid, Spain and sneak into the stadium like I'm one of the soccer players. Then when I'm on the field I want to start a brawl. (It would certainly make the game more entertaining)

Be on a sinking ship. (They obviously watched Titanic once in class)

Go to a fancy restaurant in my underwear. (Alan from Hangover anybody?)

Destroy Pluto. (Why not, it's not a planet and we have plenty of nukes)

Hit people for no reason all day. (Criminal minded much?)

Go to Antarctica, hit a penguin. (Are there still penguins in Antarctica?...wtf happened to Global Warming?)

Crash an adult's party. (A solid dream to aspire to)

T.P. a house. (Toilet Papering a house is where student do exactly that all over the house)

Throw rocks at policemen and run. (Aw, these kids would feel right at home in the Gaza strip). 

Burn down the Amazon Rain Forest. (Yep, more room for poppy fields)

Run into a tornado. (Wtf)

Fight a bear and win. (Me too!)

Play soccer with zebras. (Would the Zebra win because they have 4 feet?)

Ride a shark. (Awesome idea, I always wanted Jaws as a pet)

Be in the UFC. (Ultimate Fighting Championship....real man wrestling). 

Fight Jackie Chan. He's so fake. (Not to mention as old as Fuck)

Meet Vin Diesel. (Of all the people in all the world...)

Fall off of a rollercoaster. (Obviously this kid believes he can fly)

Ride a shark. (This one apparently came up a lot)

Find buried treasure. (Who doesn't?)

Fight a gorilla (Another popular one...wonder if he thinks he can win?)


Running of the Bulls and then eating the bull later. (I out ran you, and now I'm going to eat you!)

Make a grown man cry. (Just wait till his sports team loses and you'll see it)

Become bait for a tiger. (???)

Climb an electrical pole during a storm. (Low life expectancy?)

Catch my hair on fire so it looks like Michael Jackson's. (Someone ought to tell the kid that he's dead)

Buy a shiny cane. (wtf??)

Sky Dive from 8,000,000 feet above ground. (....why 8 million feet?)

Go to a concert and jump off stage. (good one)

Talk to a parakeet for the first time. (And say what?)


Observe a girlfight. (One of life's true pleasures)

Build a mansion on the moon. (To live in, not be an architectural Genius)

Repent so I can go to heaven...after I beat my big brother up. (Hajj anyone?)

Beat up a snake. (Go Tarzan!)

Fly a plane, jump out of it, and hit a red target X. (Awesome, but potentially so suicidal)

Destory an abandoned building with C4. (who wouldn't want to do this)

Blow up a car with sticks. (...not dynamite sticks, but actual sticks...of wood...)

Eat fish in front of a bear and see if he attacks me. (I sure hope you know how to play dead)

Kids are great, but their imagination and propensity for creative wants astounds me every day, I hope all of these kids live out their bucket list, and I sure hope I get to join in as well.

Does beg the question...What is on your bucket list?

Special Thanks To Nick Jones, who is devoting his life to teaching the next generation how to properly fart, spell, play basket ball and hit on the opposite sex. 

Longing for Nap Time

How I miss the days that I could take a nap in the afternoon, Pre school and College were pretty sweet in that respect. In college if I had a gap in between classes, it was usually a good time for a nice restful nap (any time is good nap time). In Pre-school, I had no choice. 

Thinking about it further, I realized how important a good daily nap is for the human being, and that perhaps lack of sleep is the reason for all of our daily problems. And sleep deprivation, like most things in our poorly wired main frames is the root of all stress related evils!

One of the greatest institutions pervading in early education is nap time, its often seen as a way for Pre-schools and Kinder gardens alike to keep kids quiet and relatively destruction free (kids are known to have bed wetting problems), however I feel that nap time is vitally important, and not just for a teacher/educator/minders sanity. It's a fact of life, has anyone noticed how virtually every animal in the world takes time out for a daily nap; learn from your cats and dogs! They, the zebra, cheetahs, Lion, Black Widow Spider all do it.   

Besides, its good for the kids and we all love the kids (they're all so darn cute with their tiny little hands and adult like clothing). How confusing must it be for a kid to graduate to a higher grade and be told 'No more Nap time!' It's extremely disconcerting to a nascent mind and can lead to a reign of terror, which would aptly explain why kids become hyperactive and Armageddon-ish. 

It's their form of the Civil Disobedience Movement. When children return home from school, they don't rush for a nap; nope, they want payback for losing that blessed hour of sleep they could always count on during school, and the parents are the ones who get to pay for it (This is after they've already caused hell at school; I know I did). Take that you Nap Stealers! A rested child is a happy child, some may say that the more rested they are, the more terroristic their waking hours would be, but that is baloney. 

The more a child sleeps, the more relaxed he/she is (its also the only time Mommy gets to relax too). Babies, if they haven't slept, bawl all the time. But if they get their rest...well they'll still bawl till their fed, but they are generally more serene and cute worthy. It's why mothers raise their kids, rather than toss them off a cliff or keep them for the organ harvesting business (always good to have a back up plan my friends mother always says).  

I bet that's why Osama Bin Laden is just so damn irritable, the nap deprived man is always plotting, telling folks to blow things up, its enough to cause kidney failure....oh wait, Yeah. And come on, having to live in a cave, and hard floor bedding that is Afghanistan probably really made it hard for him to get a decent nights sleep, let alone the much needed afternoon nap! Especially after growing up with Egyptian Cotton Bed Spreads and Cushy Cashmere laced Mattresses. Tough luck dude. 

Has anyone noticed how Barack Obama is always so relaxed, the man is leader of the free world, he ought to be shitting bricks, while in contrast Michelle is...well not so relaxed (in her defense, she got knocked up and had to deal with crying babies), I bet they had different sleeping patterns, namely Barack Obama takes his afternoon nap....right after he smokes his daily joint...oops I meant cigarette. It is in anticipation of that hour of awesome dreamy time that he's able get things done...Efficiency galore. I'll bet anything that good ol' Dubya (President Bush; The stupid-er one) got his naps in before being elected, which is why he looks so damn old and stressed out now!

How much nicer would people be if in the middle of the day they were allowed a siesta break. A time to rest, recap the days events and aggregate any knowledge gained or ponder any weighty decision making. Everyone would be so much more relaxed, rested and focused. All it would cost is for companies to start nap hour. It would be awesome and highly productive. 

One also feels that Countries that do promote this practice, namely Spain and Italy have citizens that are just that much more nicer and provide pretty desirable places to work and prosper.The Greek & Spanish Gods' basically came down and said 'thou shalt siesta...and procreate (I realize that the second part isn't particularly relevant).' Italians especially are also famously lauded as the most genetically gifted womanizers ever (Only because Spanish people think its bad form to make public your number of conquests due to crappy paternity laws). There may be a connection there, that's all I'm saying. 

Sedate your Kids. Let them Nap and take a Nap yourself. You'll feel happier....if not, at least better rested.