KGS: Hello World! I am Grammarian Scum

nun lucerna pedibus meis verbum tuum et lumen semitis meis

Thy word is a lantern unto my feet and a light unto my paths.

-Jerome’s Latin Vulgate (405 AD)

Ever so often, in both my professional and personal life I am  pointedly reminded of one thing. Not that I am Desi, Shia Muslim, Wear Glasses or that I have a complete lack of rhythm, but that I am a Grammarian.; hence Elitist Ass Kicking Scum. Not that I particularly mind, being the recipient of the best educational institution in the country has its advantages. Chiefly that the uniform doesn't make one look like an idiot. White shirt with Grey Tussar trousers....and no emblem. The fact that its a kick ass school helps too.

Grammarians

Karachi Grammar School has, as most educational institutions that one is forced to attend for a decade or so, has shaped my upbringing, my opportunities and even my friends. It's without competition, the best School in the country (sorry young pretenders, look on the bright side, second place is wide open). It's because of this privileged experience and subsequent exposure that I have often been lectured that a  being a Grammarian, is a responsibility, a privilege and as cliched as it sounds, a burden. Much is given, much more is expected.

I thrive in it, I love it and damn it, I'm proud of it. Yes, you read right. I, a decent man in my mid-twenties am still damn proud of where I went to High School. I'd staple the fact onto my head if it weren't for the fact that I'm so Grammarian that the minute I start talking, people assume it. On the rare occasions that I somewhat reluctantly mention (it's bad manners to brag) that I went to Karachi Grammar School, the audience eyes widen and an envious glint tends to exhibit itself in a rather disconcerting way. A quick self check tends to validate that my clothes are still on and I'm not dancing in a burlesque club (Thank God, I was not kidding about the sense of rhythm). It rather creepy when someone looks at you with that crazed 'are you an Alien' look. I get better treatment from the good folks at Homeland Security (USA). Atleast they are satisfied after the initial pat down.

Now since I'm a Grammarian, hence a minority, even though not quite an endangered species, I still contend that one ought to defend those rights and remove those popular misconceptions about my 'species'. Apparently Grammarians are a species, I'm guessing Elvin.

I'm sure most Grammarian vs. Other School fights are sparked to life by an inherent curiosity if Grammarians bleed like the rest of Pakistan. We do. The blood is a Royal Purple though. Damn, we're so misunderstood.

Popular conceptions about Grammarians:

1. We're Shallow Snobs; We think we're better than everyone else. Now, every school has it's crowd of Shallow Snobs, Grammar is no different, at least ours can make some modicum of sense. It's called, prestige with a healthy side order of  'I don't give a shit.' Super Size please?

Benazir Bhutto: Grammarian Alumni

On a serious note, when everyone treats you like you're the direct progeny of Albert Einstein, you're bound to develop some airs. After a point, you tend to be drawn to people who go through that same experience. It's tough, particularly when you're not even old enough to drive (legally, or reach the gas pedal for that matter). Its not snobbery, it's just human, we are drawn to others with a similarity of habits. Saddam Hussein and Attila the Hun would have also gotten along famously....if they both were smart enough to get into Grammar School.   

2. Weak Food Processing Durability: We get sick from an old fashioned street bun kebab. Weak stomachs and all that, the addiction to mineral water aside, yes we do tend to consume hygienic food, it's certainly a massive cause for shame. We'll just wallow in misery as our life expectancy outlast the rest of the population. Though in some circles one could contend that we're simply averaging the life expectancy up. True Patriots! Take that World Health Statistics!

3. We can't speak Urdu: Largely True, mine sucks, and as much it must pain me to admit, my Urdu speaking scale generally reflect the average Grammarian level. I know for a fact that my version of Urdu adds countless thousands of rupees to my net spending. Thankfully, by being a Grammarian, I tend to earn countless thousands of rupees more.....my personal conclusion being .....So freaking what? Pump up the Economy me and my peeps do. On a side note, our Urdu isn't as bad as most people think, if you don't believe me, check out the number of A's we score in our O'Levels. It's totally Mash'allah.

4. We have accents: I never quite understood this one. Just because we (by in large) don't speak with a desi jhutt (slang) to all of our pronunciations, speaks volumes of our ability to enunciate. Sue me, we prefer pronouncing words correctly. As God, the Queen of England and my 8th Grade English Language Teacher Mrs. Tahir (who despite describing most of my behavior in words like Audacity and Temerity actually quite liked me) intended. Personally I rather blame all of the other language teachers in Pakistan, they obviously didn't grow up with the luxury of watching copious amounts of Mind Your Language, Yes Minister and Hugh Grant.

5. We all take Tuition Classes: Apparently being academic superstars isn't quite as impressive if you are getting extra help outside school. However, I'd like to point out that so does everyone else, we're quite the academic trendsetters. Next up, Grammarians will become fantastic alcoholics....oops, we've already got that reputation signed sealed and delivered. I wonder if parents blame Grammarians for extensively liberalizing their Wannabe Grammarian kids.....

We're also that Elitist Save the World Cretins Too!

Working harder and putting that extra academic effort also tends to explains why KGS students do better than most other schools. It's not rocket science. We have 6 hours of regular school in a day and on average another 4 hours of tuition....plus homework. So, it's not that we're just overtly smarter (which we would humbly admit that we are), we've also developed this mildly useful thing called work ethic. 

6. We're all super smart: It is no secret that Karachi Grammar School is the most  competitive school to gain admission into in Pakistan. On admission form collection days, parents tend to outnumber the entire student body. We call it, we only want the best of the best syndrome. Choosy lot we are. That is unless you have some political birth right, odds are that you need substantial levels of brain power to be accepted. Admittedly, we tend to discriminate on ability, it's called a meritocracy. After all, you can't fix stupid. Inequality is soooooo unfair.

How many Grammarian girls can you fit into a car?....A World Record Number Infact

7. Grammarians are Westernized: We are just as proud of being Pakistani as anyone else, and believe or not we have alot more to lose if Pakistan doesn't emerge from it's perpetual crisis state than most other people.  A fair proportion of Grammarians do leave Pakistan to pursue a future elsewhere, but most do make their homes here in Pakistan. True some of us may pick up western habits like fancy new designer clothes or a penchant for civilized behavior, but hey, a few chai's at Cafe Clifton, Dinners at BBQ tonight and the odd trip to Sunday Bazaar solves that. I personally recommend a healthy addiction to Slice Mango Juice, Apple Sidra and Pakola Lime.

8. We're All Rich: Contrary to the lines of cars one sees outside the Grammar campuses in Saddar and Boat Basin, the student body of KGS is actually fairly diverse along both socio economic and religious lines. In terms of fees the school is actually the cheapest amongst it's peers (haha, that's assuming we even had peers, which we don't). On top of the lower fees, there are also numerous scholarships for students that are based solely on merit. We take the brilliant and make them even better. That's our modus operandi, if the perception exists that all Grammarians are rich, it's because the student body that emerges excels in every field it meanders into....and that usually result in a pretty substantive payoff. That's a testament to the dogged Grammarian spirit and the reputation of the educational institution. 

9. We have the best looking girls: Yes. Guilty as charged. It's the reason that every male child works so damn hard to get into KGS. It's all about the Chicitas. Pity the ladies tend to be of the smart variety. Tip: Learn some sappy sonnets.  

10. We have an unfair advantage in Life. Yep, we do. That's what we get for being Awesome.

Kofi Annan: Grammarian Alumni

Contrary to popular opinion, no one is born a Grammarian, they earn it, through perseverance, excellence, and a dash of style. All satire aside, you make your own place in the world, being a Grammarian and learning the lessons the institution has to offer just gives you a stronger starting point. The rest is up to your  personal drive, ambition and character. We're just lucky that we tend to attract those who have it in abundance.

Let the Grammarian Hating Begin.

For more information on Karachi Grammar School: 

http://www.kgs.edu.pk/Default.aspx

http://www.ogs.com.pk/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karachi_Grammar_School

Life is Beautiful: Unrelenting Optimism

I am proud to announce that I've solved all of our nation's problems. We don't need to reduce corruption, inflation, the energy deficit, mis-justice, unemployment or even street protests; we need to change ourselves and establish a life code of  'Unrelenting Optimism', by which we should always rejoice, even if it requires hallucinating the facts. Our problem is that we're all silly nitwit bunch of complainers. No matter how good life is, we just complain. It's an Olympic sport for us Pakistani's. What we need to eat some Mushrooms (the spiritual kind), open our eyes and realize that everything is actually great. Life is Beautiful.

Ever so often, someone dies or an election happens, and People stream onto the street. Now, it's popular misconception that mayhem is being cause but that really isn't the case, after all, they aren't aren't actually rioting on the streets, they are in fact throwing one big street party, its definitely more Eid than Tienanmen square. Those cars and vehicles are being burnt so that everyone can have a bonfire they can roast marshmallows and Chicken Tikkas on! there is nothing more festive than fires popping up across the city. How often is that you get to see the entire neighborhood out and about? It's such a blessing indeed!

Inflation is actually just the farmers way of trying to make everyone more health conscious. After all, Sugar, Meat and Dairy products are all very bad for health! The higher the prices, the less food a person consumes, the thinner they get and hence, a healthier (naturally better looking) population will emerge and it'll make nutritious choices; just like the North Koreans, don't they seem like a happy lot. how could we this blessed inflation see it for what it is? A national dieting drive!

Some like the whine about unemployment and how too many people don't have jobs. Now that's certainly misleading. Unemployment isn't a problem, it just means that the general populace has more time to spend with their families and 'find themselves', but we do care for those work obsessed folk; which is why Saturdays are off! We truly do live in Paradise!

The energy deficit doesn't mean that we should live in the dark, it not only helps the candle and generator industry, but by devoiding our lives of the internet, TV and fans, it also lets us appreciate the simpler things in life. Like a starry night as a drone powers on through to deliver it's next cache of bombs....completely for free!

Pakistan/US Relations: Just bribe us and get it over with.

Now many may mistake the relationship our nation has with our international friends aka the goras whom we affectionately call Obama, which is funny, because he's not gora, but we're too polite to say anything. Contrary to popular misconception, we're actually the best of friends. Infact they come over for sleep overs all the time, lend us money every so often, even though we never actually pay them back, they even look after our borders for us! Such silly news anchors we have, what more can one ask for in a friend?

Pakistan is AWESOME!; Ignore Anything Else I've Said to the Contrary.

The annual pillaging of the government's budget isn't corruption sucking the life blood out of Pakistan, it's actually a very smart investment for the future! The richer the political elite become, the bigger the scraps that fall from their table become. They are certainly better re-distributors of wealth than say the free market, they have an emotional stake in our country's people. We're so lucky!

The More Glasses the Merrier

Many people (blind conspiracy driven foreigner I'll bet), believe that Pakistan lacks a proper justice system, I say that they've completely mistaken. You see, we don't have a functional justice system that actually settles cases, because the powers that be have immense faith in the people of Pakistan to resolve our own problems. So what if it sometimes it allegedly get's out of hand. It's truly justice of the people.

Dealing With Inflation: Where there is a will, there is a Way!

Women have rights, plenty of rights, in fact I distinctly recall offering all women the right to come on over to my house clean the dishes, tidy up my room and make me a nice tasty meal (I prefer Lasagne), I'm sure all other Pakistani men are just as generous. We're an inviting lot you know! Almost to a fault, I daresay. We invited these Taliban chaps, and they like it here so much (duh, we're awesome...and tight), they decided to stay. Slumber parties for all!

Don't date Prudence! Prudence is Not Halal! YAY Overspending!

Government over spending, you see every once in a while, the world's economic powers would date a girl called 'Prudence', but since prudence is not a Muslim name (and is probably promiscuous as a result), we decided that it's in the best interest of the nation to shy away from her and over spend, just so that she doesn't get that idea that we're open to temptation. Besides, why would the most perfect Islamic state in all the lands, follow the fiscal example of the rest of the world? Sheer lunacy.

Optimism is believing these Girls are all 21 and have no STD's

Besides, the more we borrow to spend now, the harder our children will have to work in paying off our debt, and we as a society want nothing more than for our future generations to develop a strong work ethic. A bunch of Lazies they will never be!

Whilst others may share a different much less enjoyable reality, the world is really enjoyed by those eccentrics who choose to make the best of things, find joy even when the circumstances don't justify them. Anyone can be happy when the going is good, but to be happy when nothing works in one's favor – now that requires talent. And of course, unrelenting optimism; copious amounts of medication never hurt either.

A version of this piece was reluctantly published on Dawn.com

Pakistan: Auditioning A New Sport

Suddenly due to the lack of anything mildly related to cricket in our near future (our tour in England was considered a 'Home Series'), it appears that we now have a gargantuan amount of free time on our hands.

In order to recover from the obvious emotional and yes physical turmoil of the scandal, I feel that is is imperative that we decisively reallocate our inherent obsessive sporting fanaticism to a new sport to obsess over, with rampant unemployment, power outages and now floods, it's not like we have much to occupy our time. The question is what?

Kabaddi: Men grabbing other men in a mud pit.....(Insert Pathan Joke Here)

Verdict: We'll Pass; Something about watching a sport that focuses on fat semi-nude men is lacks appeal unless (insert Pathan Joke Here). I'll completely support any female variation of the sport, though I think a jello pool would make it far more watchable. Women's rights and all that.

Wrestling: Muscular men scampering around in their fashion forward tighty whitey's, somersaulting from awkward angles and pretending to get hurt. We would however, excel in the bravado and blustering aspect of the sport.....oops, it's not allowed to be called that anymore.

Verdict: We'll pass. Apparently a Chammaaat doesn't qualify as a finishing move and evidently Pakistani' Athletes make awful liars. That and the Indian born great Kali is rather scary chap. 

Racing: We are a nation that loves to race our cars, motorbikes, rickshaws and ghudda garis (donkey carts). On the face of it, the sport speaks to our souls, with it's shady rules, loose morals and hypocrisy. 

Verdict: We'll Pass. We can't afford the insurance or technical infrastructure required, besides Petrol is expensive yaar!

Polo: Involves riding a horse, and hitting a ball with a large stick, on the face of it this appears like a worthy successor to cricket, particularly with the advantage of a horse doing all the work, whilst we merely chill on a saddle and swat our sticks around.

Verdict: We'll Pass: We're not Mongols, roaming around on horseback really isn't our thing. 

Surfing: With the advent of the floods, it is a sport that we could see a strong mix of participants both from the ocean dwellers; AKA Karachi.

Verdict: We'll Pass: As nice as it would be to have a Karachi dominated sport, we're rather scared of sharks.

Boxing: A great sport that a Muslim, Muhammad Ali actually has dominated. So there is a sense of legacy in picking up the mantle and beating the Allah right into the infidel (if they don't agree with us, they're all infidels).

Verdict: We'll Pass: we greatly treasure our fabulous good looks. Besides, something distinctly Un-Islamic about punching another Muslim. Boxing matches with the Kaffirs on the other hand.....

Tennis: A passionate sport, which quite frankly the average Pakisani cares little about. Sorry Aisam Ul Haq Note: Pakistani Tennis 'Champion' Aisam Ul Haq....a rather nice boy who likes to play with Indians because no one else likes him enough to play with him.

Verdict: We'll Pass, There is far too much running involved. Unless Shoaib Malik decides to team up with Sania Mirza, then we'll re visit the issue. 

Golf: Haha, Just kidding. 

Rugby: A Manly sport complete with a suicidal lack of body Armour and padding, that involves hustling through a field with opponents having rather demon like characteristics.

Verdict: We'll Pass; It goes against our religious principles to fight with Demons. 

Dance Dance Revolution: Our wedding culture oriented showcases have already developed an envious array of already trained talent to excel in this vicious dangerous sport.....

Verdict: We'll Pass, we don't need another Punjabi dominated team. Besides, we don't put put our women on display. 

Hockey: Former World Champions, now we humiliate ourselves when ever we play.....

Verdict: We'll Pass, don't be silly, we suck at Hockey, the only hockey sticks Pakistani's generally own are used for um...other purposes that would come under the category of self defense. 

Squash: A sport steeped in the legacy of both Jansher and Jehangir Khan. Ever since then we've let it fizzle out....because we don't actually care.

Verdict: We'll Pass; we barely liked it when we dominated it.

Football/Soccer: The beautiful game, a sport where everyone already makes so much money that Match Fixing is out of the question and the idea of Performance adjusting borders on wishful thinking. We can however alter the performance of the Football world by restricting our exports of top quality footballs to the world.

Verdict: We'll .....be Perfect at it! Now all we have to do is find folks who play the game as ardently as we'll be watching it. In order to speed up the process let's throw some money at some Brazilian Street urchins. 

We are all looking for the Perfect Pakistani sport, a sport whose representatives will make us proud of our sporting culture. The truth is that our athletes' talents, morals and deficiencies all reflect what is in every Pakistani, including the artful hypocrisy.

Until we choose to be different, they won't be either. Cricket may well yet be our future, but the fault isn't in the sport. It's in every single one of us, we just choose to ignore it.

Maybe all we need to do is hire some mildly attractive girls to be interested in the sport and we can create a following. Sure worked for Beach Volleyball.

A version of this piece was published at Dawn.com

Living in a City of Boom Boom

Don't look forward to the day when you stop suffering. Because when it comes you'll know that you're dead. - Tennessee Williams

Whenever their is a suicide bombing in Pakistan, I get a deluge of concerned notes asking about my and my family's health (less lately as its become a daily occurrence, and the realization that I live in Karachi which has until recently, been largely untouched by the terror campaign). 

I appreciate the concern from my friends and I thank god every day for the fact that my loved ones are safe. So far my luck has been exemplary, so I continue praying for the streak to continue (if it ain't broke why fix it). 

One of the questions I got asked a lot was 'how do you live with all the uncertainty, isn't it dangerous and make you feel unsafe?" 

A part of my wants to laugh it off, not deal with the fact that I grew up and currently live in a scary unpredictable explosive city. A part of me wants to shrug it off and be tough about it in a debonair way, but the truth is that Death (not to mention the process of dying) scares me, but oddly enough not as much as it happening to my family and friends. The rest of me just wants to to look them straight in the eye and say yes. 

A suicide bombing is a tragic thing, but as someone said 'If someone wants to trade his life for yours, there is not a whole lot you can do about it'. It is that hopelessness, and the realization in that no matter what you do, short of perpetual house arrest, that there is nothing to do. In acceptance of that reality is where I feel at peace. 

I eventually came to the conclusion that as a nation, Pakistani citizens had inadvertently put themselves through the 7 stages of grief. Obviously, everyone dealt with their own personal circumstances differently, but the pattern was the same, dealing with unexpected losses and the fallout from the mindless destructive taking of lives, perhaps even their own loved ones. 

1. Shock; Terrorist strikes are random, unexpected and in destructive. It befuddles one how a 'religious Islamic war' is fought by killing innocents. It's one thing to attack military bases, but quite another to attack markets, mosques and religious processions. How such warped backward people live in our society is shameful. 

2. Denial; We like to think that its not really Pakistanis that are behind these attacks, that evil crazy foreigners from the middle east and the dysfunctional Stan regions (Afghanistan, Uzbekistan etc) are really behind it. Sadly, for a time, we ignore all evidence to the contrary. There is also the scope where we try to deny that things are as bad as they are. Now that all the terrorists have blown themselves that we can finally live in peace.

 

3. Bargaining; Our government has tried it, peace agreements, peace talks, tacit agreements all to no avail. It also makes us wonder what we could do to reverse the loss? Distraught family members ask God Why them, and unleash the I wish you would have 'taken me instead' mindset. Unfortunately, God and terrorist suicide bomber do have one thing in common, their is no use for bargaining other than to make ourselves feel better. 

4. Guilt; We wouldn't be human if we didn't feel guilt. I'm sure the establishment that originally set up and supported the terrorist cells in the hope to neutralize India and control Afghanistan experience more than their fair share. One tends to blame themselves in order to reconcile with their loss. Perhaps 

5. Anger; It is unavoidable, and expressing it is a national pastime rivaling cricket. We like burning cars, looting shops, closing down entire cities with our griefs. Say what you will, but Pakistanis are intensely passionate people and inflaming an entire metropolis isn't as hard or uncommon as one would think.  Mostly, its anger at the injustice of it all, after all the people killed are innocents, whether they are in the midst of worship, or buying shoes or even enjoying a night out, there is no justice in their deaths. Whether its anger towards god, terrorists, the government, the army etc, its still pain and economically rather expensive.  

6. Depression; Feelings of hopelessness, it hits us all hard and fast. It comes and goes as it pleases. That sensation of sadness from within is mind numbing and emotion sapping. Nothing will bring those people back, and nothing will deter those maniacs who slaughter in the name of God. I personally think its a fear of the unpredictability and the realization that no one is safe. 

7. Acceptance; After a point, one has to deal with the reality of living in Pakistan. Even if one is lucky and has never known someone to have actually died in one of these horrific attacks, one must learn to live with the reality. Find their own coping mechanism, maybe even joke about it....yes I'm having a Blast...ha ha. At this stage we realize that life will never be the same but we choose to continue to see hope and meaning in the future. not necessary because we believe it, but because we have to have hope in order to go on and continuing to cherish our lives. 

End of the day you keep going, move on, live, laugh and squeeze every drop of happiness life has to offer, because you never know what day will be your last. It may sound a bit forlorn and damning but I'm not, even in the best of times life and it's duration is unpredictable. From the moment we are born to our last breath we put our lives in the hands of God and pray to him to bless us and serve at his will. The atheist alternate of 'well, the idea of dying sure sucks, thank god I have an insurance policy,' does not really seem appealing to me.  

I like to think I've reached the acceptance level, but after every attack I find myself reliving the steps over and over again. Disappointingly, I find myself increasingly desensitized to it all, rushing through the steps at increasingly record time. I abhor that change in myself, suffering and feeling emotions (particularly sad ones) is a part of life. Slowly, I feel that my humanity (which I revere) and compassion is slowly being eroded away by the onslaught. Maybe that's what the real goal of the terrorists is. Once we are all stripped of our humanity, we'll stop caring what they do, we'll just live with it, we'll just want it to stop. The population at large may even elect them (worked for Nepal....sort off).

So the short answer is that it can suck living my city of Boom Boom, but I still love it here. My heart is with my family, friends and my people, as long as they are here, my home will be where my heart lies. That is Pakistan. You live your life the best way you know how and leave the rest up to God.