CBS Lands First Obama Interview About "Bin Laden" Mission

CBS's First Interview About Obama "Bin Laden" Mission
The program is to boast a high viewers of the segment, as it would be the first commander will, by questions concerning the killing of Bin Laden. Obama announced late last Sunday that al-Qaeda leader was killed during a raid by U.S. Navy Seals in a compound in Abbottabad, near the Pakistani capital Islamabad.

Life is Beautiful: Unrelenting Optimism

I am proud to announce that I've solved all of our nation's problems. We don't need to reduce corruption, inflation, the energy deficit, mis-justice, unemployment or even street protests; we need to change ourselves and establish a life code of  'Unrelenting Optimism', by which we should always rejoice, even if it requires hallucinating the facts. Our problem is that we're all silly nitwit bunch of complainers. No matter how good life is, we just complain. It's an Olympic sport for us Pakistani's. What we need to eat some Mushrooms (the spiritual kind), open our eyes and realize that everything is actually great. Life is Beautiful.

Ever so often, someone dies or an election happens, and People stream onto the street. Now, it's popular misconception that mayhem is being cause but that really isn't the case, after all, they aren't aren't actually rioting on the streets, they are in fact throwing one big street party, its definitely more Eid than Tienanmen square. Those cars and vehicles are being burnt so that everyone can have a bonfire they can roast marshmallows and Chicken Tikkas on! there is nothing more festive than fires popping up across the city. How often is that you get to see the entire neighborhood out and about? It's such a blessing indeed!

Inflation is actually just the farmers way of trying to make everyone more health conscious. After all, Sugar, Meat and Dairy products are all very bad for health! The higher the prices, the less food a person consumes, the thinner they get and hence, a healthier (naturally better looking) population will emerge and it'll make nutritious choices; just like the North Koreans, don't they seem like a happy lot. how could we this blessed inflation see it for what it is? A national dieting drive!

Some like the whine about unemployment and how too many people don't have jobs. Now that's certainly misleading. Unemployment isn't a problem, it just means that the general populace has more time to spend with their families and 'find themselves', but we do care for those work obsessed folk; which is why Saturdays are off! We truly do live in Paradise!

The energy deficit doesn't mean that we should live in the dark, it not only helps the candle and generator industry, but by devoiding our lives of the internet, TV and fans, it also lets us appreciate the simpler things in life. Like a starry night as a drone powers on through to deliver it's next cache of bombs....completely for free!

Pakistan/US Relations: Just bribe us and get it over with.

Now many may mistake the relationship our nation has with our international friends aka the goras whom we affectionately call Obama, which is funny, because he's not gora, but we're too polite to say anything. Contrary to popular misconception, we're actually the best of friends. Infact they come over for sleep overs all the time, lend us money every so often, even though we never actually pay them back, they even look after our borders for us! Such silly news anchors we have, what more can one ask for in a friend?

Pakistan is AWESOME!; Ignore Anything Else I've Said to the Contrary.

The annual pillaging of the government's budget isn't corruption sucking the life blood out of Pakistan, it's actually a very smart investment for the future! The richer the political elite become, the bigger the scraps that fall from their table become. They are certainly better re-distributors of wealth than say the free market, they have an emotional stake in our country's people. We're so lucky!

The More Glasses the Merrier

Many people (blind conspiracy driven foreigner I'll bet), believe that Pakistan lacks a proper justice system, I say that they've completely mistaken. You see, we don't have a functional justice system that actually settles cases, because the powers that be have immense faith in the people of Pakistan to resolve our own problems. So what if it sometimes it allegedly get's out of hand. It's truly justice of the people.

Dealing With Inflation: Where there is a will, there is a Way!

Women have rights, plenty of rights, in fact I distinctly recall offering all women the right to come on over to my house clean the dishes, tidy up my room and make me a nice tasty meal (I prefer Lasagne), I'm sure all other Pakistani men are just as generous. We're an inviting lot you know! Almost to a fault, I daresay. We invited these Taliban chaps, and they like it here so much (duh, we're awesome...and tight), they decided to stay. Slumber parties for all!

Don't date Prudence! Prudence is Not Halal! YAY Overspending!

Government over spending, you see every once in a while, the world's economic powers would date a girl called 'Prudence', but since prudence is not a Muslim name (and is probably promiscuous as a result), we decided that it's in the best interest of the nation to shy away from her and over spend, just so that she doesn't get that idea that we're open to temptation. Besides, why would the most perfect Islamic state in all the lands, follow the fiscal example of the rest of the world? Sheer lunacy.

Optimism is believing these Girls are all 21 and have no STD's

Besides, the more we borrow to spend now, the harder our children will have to work in paying off our debt, and we as a society want nothing more than for our future generations to develop a strong work ethic. A bunch of Lazies they will never be!

Whilst others may share a different much less enjoyable reality, the world is really enjoyed by those eccentrics who choose to make the best of things, find joy even when the circumstances don't justify them. Anyone can be happy when the going is good, but to be happy when nothing works in one's favor – now that requires talent. And of course, unrelenting optimism; copious amounts of medication never hurt either.

A version of this piece was reluctantly published on Dawn.com

Health Care: Are You Kidding Me....

Why I Wrote This:

Having spent around 5 years in the United States both studying and working, I have alot of friends who are quite passionate about health care. And I'm still amazed that the US doesn't have universal health care. Then again, this is the same government that hasn't passed anything meaningful in recent history, so I shouldn't be shocked....

However, what does shock me, was how people were still doggedly convinced that Obama wouldn't be able to pass health care reform even after he was basically elected on two things. The Economy (which he actually can't do a whole lot about, unless he starts hiring a lot of people) and Health Care....So health care it is and the reasons why the idea of universal health care is opposed sounds fairly dumb & elitist (my people, high fives) at least to me.

1. It Was Inevitable: Firstly, it was always going to happen, the woman who gave birth to the freaking President (who died of cancer) spent her last days arguing with insurance agents. Regardless of who you are, that sticks with you and it makes you want to do something about it (Lo and behold that Black boy became President). Health Care was the center piece of his campaign. If he didn't do anything with it then 'Yes We Can' would be "We Almost Sort of Could'....and that doesn't bode well in a re-election campaign. Democrats swept the Republicans, 60 Seat Majority in the Senate (Now 59) and a commanding lead in the House of Representatives, Democrats had the go-ahead to do whatever they liked...and how they have.

2. Polls Riders: I hate people who quote polls. Stop quoting polls, they are a snapshot in time, leaders don't follow polls, polls follow leaders when the time is right. Relax, these stupid things keep changing. For God sakes, if I poll the right segment, they'd probably think Clinton is President....and the kicker is that they won't know which one.

3. 'This is our Freedom' Argument: Now Americans love freedom, and they talk about individual liberties as if Adam himself came down to them and personally said, 'here these are your freedoms, now go rock out with you C**K out.' However, I feel argument that freedoms are enjoyed far more if you are alive is remarkably attractive, and that health care does in fact prolong your life (nope Jesus doesn't really provide a health care plan you evangelical nut jobs). As the bill stands you still get to pick your own health care provider, so chill.

4. Health Care is a Privilege not a Right....HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND $&^%&$@, you are trying to tell me that in the most powerful, richest country in the world, it ought to be a privilege to ensure that it's citizens have health care? Half of EUROPE has health care, and I'm talking about the damn continent that's been fighting each other for hundreds of years...CUBA has health care!!! That tiny Island that has it's communist middle finger perpetually pointed at Florida. Is it good policy t to let people die or place an unfair burden on poor people so that you can buy yourself a brand new Ferrari instead of Audi? (Personally I think both purchases ought to be tax exempted)

5. Overreach of Government: The government acts in the best interest of all, and the funny thing about democratically elected governments is that they are elected by the people, so if you wanted limited government, you ought have campaigned for Ron Paul or the Constitution Party. Quit Whining if you were on the side lines when it mattered.

6. Why am I Subsidizing Everyone else: Becasue Mr. 'I have alot of Money' Asshole, you are already subsidized yourself in various ways through taxes even if you are super rich (Tax Loopholes anyone?), so unless you make over 250,000 a year, you aren't really affected, and if you are making that much money, think of it as the price you pay for having a healthy society.

If you run a business, it'll mean that your employees will be in better health, your customers will be in better health and the guy who runs the hot dog stand down the street is in better health, and if you get really fat and develop some diseases as a consequence of eating those hot dogs no insurance provider can turn you down or jack up your rates. I think it's a fair deal.

7. It's too Expensive: It will pay for itelf, $930 billion in ten years and by the end of the second decade it will actually reduce the deficit. Now I'll be honest here, I haven't crunched the numbers and I really don't care, if the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office says the math works and pays down the US deficit, as far as any sane man is concerned, thats a home run. Making up your own numbers by inputting your own (biased) assumptions is even more facetious than I am. Which is an achievement in itself.

But what would be lovely is if someone could please explain to me why it's better to throw hundred of billions away as part of the war or terror to avenge some 4000 folk when thousands upon thousands die every month in your own country? Basically your willing to go into debt to play class bully, but not to save lives.

8. Party of No: Now, I realize that the original idea was for a bi-partisan bill, but since that didn't happen, the US public got a partisan bill that still added in some of what the opposition wanted. But what I think was particularly crazy was that there was no constructive reaching out by the opposition to be put together a viable bill. The idea stems from by saying no to everything and without even working out some sort of good faith compromise that all they were interested in doing was making sure nothing of substance was done (To be fair the Republicans did author their own bill, which would cover 3 million Americans....sure would have sucked to be in the other 29 million).

It make make good politicking to say that after 4 years that the Democrats were unable to do nothing, but what it eventually did was make the Democrats pass a bill and become the party of Yes (Yes We Did). What I want to know, why wasn't there a party of 'Why' who questioned the proposals and indeed the strategies. Health care is broken, there are far too many people without health care, and when a President passes legislation that give 32 million people access to health care, what that does is give him 32 million MORE votes going forwards. What's plan B Republican Strategist morons? Promising to over turn it when it's your turn? Good luck it selling that message.

The Big Idea:

This Bill is far from perfect, but end of the day, even if it costs a few more extra bucks than you would like, you can't put a price on saving lives year in and year out, even if it means having to forgo some expensive toys. A truly fair Humane society tries to look after it's own members; Make sure that everyone is capable of living a decent life, particularly in the hard times, ensuring that they have access to the most basic human necessities, and one of those is health care. So there you have it. The argument for Universal Health Care in a nutshell. It's the Humane Thing to Do, and once you are a super power, you can't save the world without saving your own people.

A New Afghan Strategy

I thought I ought to help out Ol Barry (Barack Obama) and get him a functional Afghan strategy,whats more is that I want him to win re-election (he's not going to at his current rate of success). I'll tell you right now, the surge won't work. however, I do have some helpful ideas. 

1. Feed Them! The Food in Afghanistan sucks. Is there any country in the world with crappy food and happy people? I think not. Opening multiple chains of McDonald's, KFC's Subways, Pizza Huts etc will do much appease the people. 

McDonald's can launch The Mc Afghan (Quarter pound of grilled Lamb meat....no buns), Mc Turban (a healthy multi layered chicken wrap infused with the smell of poppy leaves....munchies guaranteed), McBurqa (Fish Tacos laced with a tinge of staleness) and the McMullah (A healthy triple decker beef burger choked in cooking oil served with a side of holy water). 

Afghans typically are illiterate, so they wouldn't understand the dietary country, but they'll understand the deliciousness. The better fed they are, the less big deal the countries mess up state will be.

2. Open Smut Houses! Afghan's love watching movies and adore the cinematic experience.A movies success is directly proportional to the size of the heroines butt and amount of shaking in the movie. Nature dictates that Men like seeing Hot women doing terrible degrading things, it sure beats going to nearby football field and watching the same being done between guys. 

Start opening dedicated porn/smut houses and I can guarantee you that the Afghans will find a way to guard the houses. It'll bring people together, tribal affiliations won't matter, instead they'll get block buster style memberships and be united. 

3. Turbans Rock Tour! There is nothing like music, mosh pits and rock and roll to spread happiness. Have Peace promotion concerts with Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, U2 (....ohk, that ones for me, tickets are hard to come by dammit), Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson. You read right. Get a Michael Jackson look alike and have him perform a national tour. Conveniently enough, Afghans have no idea what he looks like (or that he's dead) and are unsure to his exact ethnicity. 

So the upside is that if one or two Michael's end up perishing during the tour, hey no worries....lots of starving musicians out there. They can even name him Mohammad Jackson for the tour and tack on some facial hair (much to the sadness of the sodomizing community). The more famous musicians will be on board because they've wanted to try fresh Afghan dope. 

4. Transmit Liberalism! Directly beam in translated Western channels for free. Afghan's already love Friends (they are planning to kill Satan incarnate Joey Tribbiani, but he's so damn adorable), Prison break (They think it's an informational documentary and are waiting for the Guantanamo bay season) and House (Greg House's brand of tough love reminds them of their Daddy issues, besides, they are curious about this whole hospital healing concept....groovy). 

Afghanistan will be the first country (outside Europe) that will get free porn channels! Now there is a reason to live. I'm sure US can override any traditional Afghan news channels...oh wait they don't have any. 

5. Tactical Replacements! Replace all pain killer medicine with Viagra. The upside is all Afghans will perpetually be in heat and will only have sex on their mind (Men are incapable of using both heads at once....the lower head takes priority), rather than anything anti-western.

The number of marriages will be bursting at the seem and this will increase the standard of living, as well as increase economic activity. However, this may negatively impact the prevailing rate of sodomy in the country. But hey, you win some, you lose some. 

6. Tours of Booty! Make prostitution an offense that requires having a tour of duty, by duty I mean booty, in Afghanistan. World Wide prostitution rates will fall (or be legalized) and these lucky ladies (and men) will have the most awesome tan in the world, before they are allowed to return home. 

Also we can expect many of these women marry the local lads (and potentially lasses), so the ethnic breakup of Afghanistan will change. Incidentally Islam allows 4 wives, but that's fine, as the lasses are already be accustomed to sharing and being treated badly and in fact are highly trained role players. 

7. Move to the Beat: Hallelujah Halal Yo! Release musical tracks with caricature of Mullahs rapping in Afghani (its called Pushto), make it sound pseudo religious, infused with the Jesus I love every body. Peace TV eat your heart out. The tunes will be so darn catchy, that everyone will be humming along to them, the tunes can even be stolen from old backstreet boy tracks. 

In fact they'll be able to get ring tones and download tracks from cellular providers. Tech Savvy Mullah are the Bomb....alright, poor choice of words. 

8. Adopt an Afghan! Due to the war there are already so many orphans roaming around, it'll be a hot new market for the Madonnas and Angelina Jolie's of the world. Tourism industry will boom and their are more than enough orphans to go around. 

Have Obama's adopt an Afghan baby. So much money will poor in from NGO's and other development agencies looking to curry favor from Obama's progeny, that Afghanistan will be reconstructed in the blink of an eye.

9. Hell Hath No Fury As A Women Scorned: The biggest misconception that everyone has about Afghan society is the men are all powerful; this is an utter lie. Get it Right.  

The men (like most men) are scared shit less of their wives. They all come home everyday praying that they're wives (all 4 of them) don't beat the living shit out of them (This is why men are always heavily covered and have beards, to compensate for their facial scars and to enhance their masculinity...its freaking boiling in there). Trust me, its for good reason. Have you seen Afghan Women....they are like special ops...always under the dark cover of anonymity. Freaking Deadly.

Ever wonder why guys are so willing to and fight for God? because they're looking for a reason! They figure that if they fight and die for God, they'll get 70 Virgins...and be far far away from the women in their family. 

Women folk are the ones that get super pissed when the fruit of their loins get killed. Afghans have huge families, if a kid passes dies (usually from inadequate health care), Men are like we have like 8 others, but a women looks at that loss with emotional rage thinking that's one perfectly healthy kid and 9 months of work down the fucking drain!!! 

Do you know how hard it is to tend to a poppy field with only 8 kids...that's screwing with our working capital (Afghan women are very business minded, particularly as their husbands are always playing 'Whose an Infidel' with their friends). What the Hell! Now we have to have yet another kid? Death to the Infidel. 

The solution is to appease Afghan women by providing loads of free cosmetics, clothing, sanitizer wipes, vacuum cleaners, toasters etc. Stop dumping the crap in Africa, they don't have electricity! At least the Afghans have drug dollars and the odd solar panel. 

10. Teach them How to Play American Football: I'm actually serious, for the serene Japanese, baseball worked just fine to further the liberal Satanistic agenda, however, the Taliban are tougher lot. American football is the cure. It has ample weed smoking breaks and instead of using pig skins, alligator hides will be sufficient. 

If the Alligator is still alive, all the better, because they are manly like that. No Helmet or padding required.....safety guards are for wusses. This would be the perfect outlet for their rage, leaving the rest of their days as totally chill out zones.  

The Big Idea

No one, has the perfect solution, but instead of trying to formulate the government, building unused (and soon to be bombed) buildings and putting together a 'national' army, just try helping the people. 

The real problem isn't the corruption, it's the desire to appease the government and power brokers, as much influence as they have, they have no stake in letting Nato's boys leave Afghanistan. The key is empowering the people, worst comes to worse, you'll make their lives a little better. I get it, it's a novel concept, but it's worth a try things can't get any worse, at the current rate, they'll elect Osama Bin Laden.

Longing for Nap Time

How I miss the days that I could take a nap in the afternoon, Pre school and College were pretty sweet in that respect. In college if I had a gap in between classes, it was usually a good time for a nice restful nap (any time is good nap time). In Pre-school, I had no choice. 

Thinking about it further, I realized how important a good daily nap is for the human being, and that perhaps lack of sleep is the reason for all of our daily problems. And sleep deprivation, like most things in our poorly wired main frames is the root of all stress related evils!

One of the greatest institutions pervading in early education is nap time, its often seen as a way for Pre-schools and Kinder gardens alike to keep kids quiet and relatively destruction free (kids are known to have bed wetting problems), however I feel that nap time is vitally important, and not just for a teacher/educator/minders sanity. It's a fact of life, has anyone noticed how virtually every animal in the world takes time out for a daily nap; learn from your cats and dogs! They, the zebra, cheetahs, Lion, Black Widow Spider all do it.   

Besides, its good for the kids and we all love the kids (they're all so darn cute with their tiny little hands and adult like clothing). How confusing must it be for a kid to graduate to a higher grade and be told 'No more Nap time!' It's extremely disconcerting to a nascent mind and can lead to a reign of terror, which would aptly explain why kids become hyperactive and Armageddon-ish. 

It's their form of the Civil Disobedience Movement. When children return home from school, they don't rush for a nap; nope, they want payback for losing that blessed hour of sleep they could always count on during school, and the parents are the ones who get to pay for it (This is after they've already caused hell at school; I know I did). Take that you Nap Stealers! A rested child is a happy child, some may say that the more rested they are, the more terroristic their waking hours would be, but that is baloney. 

The more a child sleeps, the more relaxed he/she is (its also the only time Mommy gets to relax too). Babies, if they haven't slept, bawl all the time. But if they get their rest...well they'll still bawl till their fed, but they are generally more serene and cute worthy. It's why mothers raise their kids, rather than toss them off a cliff or keep them for the organ harvesting business (always good to have a back up plan my friends mother always says).  

I bet that's why Osama Bin Laden is just so damn irritable, the nap deprived man is always plotting, telling folks to blow things up, its enough to cause kidney failure....oh wait, Yeah. And come on, having to live in a cave, and hard floor bedding that is Afghanistan probably really made it hard for him to get a decent nights sleep, let alone the much needed afternoon nap! Especially after growing up with Egyptian Cotton Bed Spreads and Cushy Cashmere laced Mattresses. Tough luck dude. 

Has anyone noticed how Barack Obama is always so relaxed, the man is leader of the free world, he ought to be shitting bricks, while in contrast Michelle is...well not so relaxed (in her defense, she got knocked up and had to deal with crying babies), I bet they had different sleeping patterns, namely Barack Obama takes his afternoon nap....right after he smokes his daily joint...oops I meant cigarette. It is in anticipation of that hour of awesome dreamy time that he's able get things done...Efficiency galore. I'll bet anything that good ol' Dubya (President Bush; The stupid-er one) got his naps in before being elected, which is why he looks so damn old and stressed out now!

How much nicer would people be if in the middle of the day they were allowed a siesta break. A time to rest, recap the days events and aggregate any knowledge gained or ponder any weighty decision making. Everyone would be so much more relaxed, rested and focused. All it would cost is for companies to start nap hour. It would be awesome and highly productive. 

One also feels that Countries that do promote this practice, namely Spain and Italy have citizens that are just that much more nicer and provide pretty desirable places to work and prosper.The Greek & Spanish Gods' basically came down and said 'thou shalt siesta...and procreate (I realize that the second part isn't particularly relevant).' Italians especially are also famously lauded as the most genetically gifted womanizers ever (Only because Spanish people think its bad form to make public your number of conquests due to crappy paternity laws). There may be a connection there, that's all I'm saying. 

Sedate your Kids. Let them Nap and take a Nap yourself. You'll feel happier....if not, at least better rested.