The Inaccurate Story of How We Were Paid Off

Has anyone wondered why Pakistan, a deeply religious country, is allied with the United States; the chief exporters of convenient looking democracies? and instead of talking about the usual BS about moral imperatives and global securities, I decided to take a crack at it...be truthful and all that.

Money makes the world go round, round, round. And it's a principle that certainly applies to us. It's harder to buy people who have principles, rather than people who have swiss bank account bursting with space. We don't elect national leaders, we elect politicians, who have their own best interests at heart, when they coincide with the Pakistani people, it's highly fortuitous, but mostly, justifying it and spreading the wealth through their well paid militias.....I mean political activists. To be fair, when they spend their cash on sweet homes and fancy rides, that does do something for the public scenery.

We were paid off. Plain and simple. Pakistan's elite classes; the military, civil service, politicians, etc, may all enjoy a fairly western array of tastes and style, but the overarching nature is overtly conservative to the point of fundamentalist Islam. Practically, it plays well with the electorate to quote the Qurans (it's easy enough to ignore acting on it), particularly when your country's name is the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

How it Started: Military Rule

Zia ul Haq (Z-Man), Pakistan's Islam obsessed military dictator in the 80's, ruled for a solid decade and made Islamic idealism, the key feature of his blue print for Pakistan; it justified his actions, his military support in Afghanistan (why the Russian, didn't tramp on into Pakistan for a cool Murree brew is beyond me).

Z-Man channeled support to the Afghan cause by fueling religious sentiment. this is hardly an innovative ploy, but he was praise worthily effective. As part of his re-invention on Pakistan, he took that generation of Pakistani's and inculcated them with a sweeping Islamic doctrine (You can't mess with God's Law, particularly if your masses are illiterate), and we are still paying for it. All of Pakistan's modern day political head honchos (it makes me cringe to call them leaders), are by-products of that era. No new influential, democratic political voice has emerged since then.

However, at the time, this was extremely pragmatic. We were promised enough money to build a house and burn ourselves in it. The US funded the Afghani Mujahideen, and Pakistan was it's strategic ally/errand boy.

So we felt compelled to gorge ourselves on as much money as our US allowance could support (and then some). Corruption was rampant, but it was nothing new. In fact, we were oddly okay with it. A religious war was being fought after all.

When the Afghan conflict ended with the Russian troop pull out, Pakistan lost it's strategic importance as the gulf war rose into prominence and became the new battle ground.

In essence, Pakistan was laid off, contract up, with no unemployment benefits. It sucked to be us, and we had to continue managing the remnants of the Afghan problem, having only theMujahideen as our only tool, we big brothered in a crazy conservative Islamic regime with highly ascetic tastes. It appealed to the whole Islamic Republic of Pakistan image we had going.

I'm actually pretty convinced I know how that policy came into place....in Pakistan, all strategic policy decisions are made on a lush Golf Course in Islamabad.

Corp Commander Anus: Hey guys, I'm really sorry for being late, my chopper took off late, because Colonel butt face started prayers early for some cool khutba (sermon) he heard from some Saudi Royalist, Osama something, one those Bin Laden boys....they went on forever.

Brigadier Butt: Ugh, those guys are such illiterate nut jobs, for the love of god they wasted so many missiles because they couldn't read the damn instructions on the Stingers Rocket Launchers. And then they have the nerve look at Afghanistan and see an Islamic victory, don't the realize that the 'infidels' are the ones who funded their suicidal crap. Hell, even the turbans they're wearing have labels that say 'Made in the USA', what the hell do they think that is, United Shambles of Algeria. bloody imbeciles.

General Cuntwalla: Yeah, that freaking General 'I Love the Quran' and his minions, they are always talking about Islamic piety and it's really freaking annoying, I hate to break it to that retard, but that Quran is Israeli made; they were simply cheaper. After a hard day, or well, even during a not so hard one, I really enjoy my glass of scotch (high fives are exchanged across the green), and so what if I do,go mind your own god damn business. What the Fuck difference does it make to their lives, if I'm plastered. It's not like we have nukes. ooh, I wish we could get rid of those assholes.

Corp Commander Anus: Say, I have an idea, why don't we send those cluster fucks to Afghanistan, it' s in pretty shitty state, and I can't find anyone who wants to be stationed there, there isn't a brewery for miles. They can go and live there, see how pious they'll feel after that hell hole. haha.

General Cuntwalla: Brilliant.

Brigadier Butt: Good Show, when should we tell the President.

Corp Commander Anus: eh, no need, he'll probably be replaced in a few weeks anyway, which reminds me, do any of you guys know anyone who want's to be the President? or maybe even the Cricket board chairman?

General Cuntwalla: By jove, I'll do the Cricket thing, I love getting smashed with those boys.

Golf Game Resumes

Shit Happens: Like the 90's & 9/11

That is until the late 90's when we officially became a nuclear power. whoopdee freaking doo. Because sanctions were the last thing we needed. After the sitting Prime Minister was overthrown in a military coup, we continued to remain on the fringes. Then 9/11 happened.

Our natural allies in Afghanistan refused to hand over Osama Bin Laden and the rest is history (well in the making). How no one questions the insanity of going to war over the hand over of a single person is beyond me.

But atleast the Afghan's had principles and couldn't be bought off....by anyone. In many Islamic traditions, a guest is to be honored and protected, no matter what the cost. It's a pity that so many Afghans had to pay with their innocence, their lively hoods and their lives. I can also bet you all of the money in my (empty) pocket, that they'd do the same all over again.

What did Pakistan do? Well, it was a happy day, after all, 'We were called into Service!', the military government was given legitimacy and a fistful of dollars were thrust into our greasy palms, complete with a speech on historic allies (it brought tears to my eyes...really).

As expected we gratefully accepted. Money in the Bank (even if it was money ending up in foreign accounts, but I'm not hating on corrupt officials right now).

We Are Still At It: The Mathematics of Consistency

Fast forward the better part of a decade, we're still on the payroll of the US government. New President (well, not really), same old policy. Got to love the consistency.

If left to their own devices (assuming that they are not already), government intelligence agencies and Pakistan's military would much rather be finding ways to co-exist with the 'Taliban'. For the love of god, they are Pakistani citizens (whether we like to admit it or not). And no humane person would condone widespread military action against it's own people, unless it was out of necessity. Here is the kicker. It really isn't.

How do you make a fairly Islamic looking fellow do your bidding. You buy him off, with more money than his limited imagination can take. Once that is done, he'll have set his price, and you'll know what it'll cost you. The problem arises when you breed a groups of individuals who believein the doctrine.

Then you have a problem you cannot control. In some cases you can hide them away, send them to India and pretend that they don't exist, but the truth is that they are out there and they always will be.

I'm sure some were created as an extreme counter balance to the decades long regime of institutional corruption. This doesn't make them good or bad, but it makes them committed to the Death. Herein lies the problem. You can't create religious Zealots and take away their cause without killing them. Even if you do, your just as likely to further their cause by devoting money, personnel and blood in order to do so.

On a strategic basis, for a country like say Pakistan, this makes utter sense, once you create them and let them loose in say...Afghanistan, you can indefinitely force Nato troops to camp out there. Highly advantageous, particularly when your country, in this case Pakistan, remains loyal....and flush with cash....indefinitely.

These Islamic Fundamentalist Nazis, were not created in a vacuum, they were carefully groomed to fight in Afghanistan, Kashmir and India. Turns out they don't like being told what to do, particularly as they've been on an extended power trip post US invasion, and they've noticed the liquor cabinets; No compromises, just principles (incidentally messed up ones).

There goal isn't creating an Islamic Pakistan, it's a turf war, it's a case of 'you get out of our hood, and we'll get out of yours'. But we (Pakistani forces) can't do that, because we're still in the employ of Pentagon.

So now now we are being paid to blast our own people out of oblivion...and we call the Taliban the terrorist. At least they believe in their principles, while all we've consistently believed in the almighty dollar. Fantastic. They pay in blood for what we did for Money.

How does this end? Well, it doesn't, not until hard line Islamists gain legitimate power and placate the nut jobs. Think it's unlikely that the people responsible for murder might get elected. It happened in Nepal. Maoist rebels are now in government with the Monarchy loyalists. Go figure, everyone needs to get paid off. I guess the moral of the story is that causes die down, the crusades only went on for as long as they did because the trade routes were profitable.

Money still makes the world go round, round, round.

A New Afghan Strategy

I thought I ought to help out Ol Barry (Barack Obama) and get him a functional Afghan strategy,whats more is that I want him to win re-election (he's not going to at his current rate of success). I'll tell you right now, the surge won't work. however, I do have some helpful ideas. 

1. Feed Them! The Food in Afghanistan sucks. Is there any country in the world with crappy food and happy people? I think not. Opening multiple chains of McDonald's, KFC's Subways, Pizza Huts etc will do much appease the people. 

McDonald's can launch The Mc Afghan (Quarter pound of grilled Lamb meat....no buns), Mc Turban (a healthy multi layered chicken wrap infused with the smell of poppy leaves....munchies guaranteed), McBurqa (Fish Tacos laced with a tinge of staleness) and the McMullah (A healthy triple decker beef burger choked in cooking oil served with a side of holy water). 

Afghans typically are illiterate, so they wouldn't understand the dietary country, but they'll understand the deliciousness. The better fed they are, the less big deal the countries mess up state will be.

2. Open Smut Houses! Afghan's love watching movies and adore the cinematic experience.A movies success is directly proportional to the size of the heroines butt and amount of shaking in the movie. Nature dictates that Men like seeing Hot women doing terrible degrading things, it sure beats going to nearby football field and watching the same being done between guys. 

Start opening dedicated porn/smut houses and I can guarantee you that the Afghans will find a way to guard the houses. It'll bring people together, tribal affiliations won't matter, instead they'll get block buster style memberships and be united. 

3. Turbans Rock Tour! There is nothing like music, mosh pits and rock and roll to spread happiness. Have Peace promotion concerts with Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, U2 (....ohk, that ones for me, tickets are hard to come by dammit), Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson. You read right. Get a Michael Jackson look alike and have him perform a national tour. Conveniently enough, Afghans have no idea what he looks like (or that he's dead) and are unsure to his exact ethnicity. 

So the upside is that if one or two Michael's end up perishing during the tour, hey no worries....lots of starving musicians out there. They can even name him Mohammad Jackson for the tour and tack on some facial hair (much to the sadness of the sodomizing community). The more famous musicians will be on board because they've wanted to try fresh Afghan dope. 

4. Transmit Liberalism! Directly beam in translated Western channels for free. Afghan's already love Friends (they are planning to kill Satan incarnate Joey Tribbiani, but he's so damn adorable), Prison break (They think it's an informational documentary and are waiting for the Guantanamo bay season) and House (Greg House's brand of tough love reminds them of their Daddy issues, besides, they are curious about this whole hospital healing concept....groovy). 

Afghanistan will be the first country (outside Europe) that will get free porn channels! Now there is a reason to live. I'm sure US can override any traditional Afghan news channels...oh wait they don't have any. 

5. Tactical Replacements! Replace all pain killer medicine with Viagra. The upside is all Afghans will perpetually be in heat and will only have sex on their mind (Men are incapable of using both heads at once....the lower head takes priority), rather than anything anti-western.

The number of marriages will be bursting at the seem and this will increase the standard of living, as well as increase economic activity. However, this may negatively impact the prevailing rate of sodomy in the country. But hey, you win some, you lose some. 

6. Tours of Booty! Make prostitution an offense that requires having a tour of duty, by duty I mean booty, in Afghanistan. World Wide prostitution rates will fall (or be legalized) and these lucky ladies (and men) will have the most awesome tan in the world, before they are allowed to return home. 

Also we can expect many of these women marry the local lads (and potentially lasses), so the ethnic breakup of Afghanistan will change. Incidentally Islam allows 4 wives, but that's fine, as the lasses are already be accustomed to sharing and being treated badly and in fact are highly trained role players. 

7. Move to the Beat: Hallelujah Halal Yo! Release musical tracks with caricature of Mullahs rapping in Afghani (its called Pushto), make it sound pseudo religious, infused with the Jesus I love every body. Peace TV eat your heart out. The tunes will be so darn catchy, that everyone will be humming along to them, the tunes can even be stolen from old backstreet boy tracks. 

In fact they'll be able to get ring tones and download tracks from cellular providers. Tech Savvy Mullah are the Bomb....alright, poor choice of words. 

8. Adopt an Afghan! Due to the war there are already so many orphans roaming around, it'll be a hot new market for the Madonnas and Angelina Jolie's of the world. Tourism industry will boom and their are more than enough orphans to go around. 

Have Obama's adopt an Afghan baby. So much money will poor in from NGO's and other development agencies looking to curry favor from Obama's progeny, that Afghanistan will be reconstructed in the blink of an eye.

9. Hell Hath No Fury As A Women Scorned: The biggest misconception that everyone has about Afghan society is the men are all powerful; this is an utter lie. Get it Right.  

The men (like most men) are scared shit less of their wives. They all come home everyday praying that they're wives (all 4 of them) don't beat the living shit out of them (This is why men are always heavily covered and have beards, to compensate for their facial scars and to enhance their masculinity...its freaking boiling in there). Trust me, its for good reason. Have you seen Afghan Women....they are like special ops...always under the dark cover of anonymity. Freaking Deadly.

Ever wonder why guys are so willing to and fight for God? because they're looking for a reason! They figure that if they fight and die for God, they'll get 70 Virgins...and be far far away from the women in their family. 

Women folk are the ones that get super pissed when the fruit of their loins get killed. Afghans have huge families, if a kid passes dies (usually from inadequate health care), Men are like we have like 8 others, but a women looks at that loss with emotional rage thinking that's one perfectly healthy kid and 9 months of work down the fucking drain!!! 

Do you know how hard it is to tend to a poppy field with only 8 kids...that's screwing with our working capital (Afghan women are very business minded, particularly as their husbands are always playing 'Whose an Infidel' with their friends). What the Hell! Now we have to have yet another kid? Death to the Infidel. 

The solution is to appease Afghan women by providing loads of free cosmetics, clothing, sanitizer wipes, vacuum cleaners, toasters etc. Stop dumping the crap in Africa, they don't have electricity! At least the Afghans have drug dollars and the odd solar panel. 

10. Teach them How to Play American Football: I'm actually serious, for the serene Japanese, baseball worked just fine to further the liberal Satanistic agenda, however, the Taliban are tougher lot. American football is the cure. It has ample weed smoking breaks and instead of using pig skins, alligator hides will be sufficient. 

If the Alligator is still alive, all the better, because they are manly like that. No Helmet or padding required.....safety guards are for wusses. This would be the perfect outlet for their rage, leaving the rest of their days as totally chill out zones.  

The Big Idea

No one, has the perfect solution, but instead of trying to formulate the government, building unused (and soon to be bombed) buildings and putting together a 'national' army, just try helping the people. 

The real problem isn't the corruption, it's the desire to appease the government and power brokers, as much influence as they have, they have no stake in letting Nato's boys leave Afghanistan. The key is empowering the people, worst comes to worse, you'll make their lives a little better. I get it, it's a novel concept, but it's worth a try things can't get any worse, at the current rate, they'll elect Osama Bin Laden.

Taliban Fight Club

The Taliban seem like a very frustrated lot, whether they are in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq or anywhere in the world. They have so much hate and ideological madness, I think it would be remiss if we as a society didn't come up with a creative solution to address their mental issues. Because wanting to be a suicide bomber ought to be officially diagnosed as a mental disorder. 

So here is my idea, Taliban Fight Club. Because there is nothing more satiating to madmen than beating someone till your arms are tired, your lips are bloody, body is bruised and you've lost so many brain cells that you can't remember what the fight was about in the first place (Hey, it worked for the Spartans), incidentally a Taliban rugby league wouldn't be amiss either.

Obviously there would have to be rules, terms and conditions that will shape the landscape of the bouts:

1. No beard tugging; Taliban typically use the space to store their weed and Mars bars...respect.

2. No weapons or safety pads allowed (including improvised explosive devices), however groin cups are permissible, but at no point can be used as a weapon; hence the Upward Thrust knockout (UT KO) move illegal.

3. Adequate clothing must be worn at all times; Taliban are highly self conscious over their jungle like body hair.

4. There will be 70 attractive Burka wearing cheerleaders (spread across nationalities to cater to differing tastes), however, they will only reveal their modest amounts of clothing if and only if the Taliban contestant win the bout. (At which point they'll realize that they don't need to die to go to heaven) 

5. Chuck Norris is not allowed to participate....ever. (There are conflicting fatwas on Chuck Norris being a demon)

6. Fights will incorporate prayer breaks to cater to multiple faiths. Islamic history does show that devout Muslim Generals praying on the field of battle, during hostilities. 

7. Male contestants eligible for "Beauty and the Geek" are encouraged to apply; Taliban are notoriously malnourished (lack of post weed munchies....hence the compensatory large beards and bulked up clothing favored by the Legions of T.... its not a fashion statement). We are looking for an uber awesome contest and there is nothing more awesome than seeing a geek unleash his inner demon and unleash his fists of fury....on that note, Go Spider Man! 

Hell, if it catches on it could even be a reality show in itself, take the contestants from the biggest loser and Jersey shore and have them fight it out. Or we could model it off the WWE/TNA and use real or real'ish people. 

I even have some snazzy Pay-per-view ideas

1. No Way Out (To be held in Tora Bora or Guantanamo, which ever is cheaper)

2. Turbans, Laces & Coke (To be held in the FBI's evidence locker or Columbia; laces to be made of Kevlar and turbans designed by Hermes, Coke will preferably be local)

3.  Hell is my Cell (Any Afghani or Iraqi prison will do)

4. Ragging Rights (Madison Square garden, fighters have to make their opponents submit by humiliating them verbally... on the spot translation will be available)

5. Battle of the Beards (to coincide with the Beard Olympics) Beards can be used as weapon to whip lash, choke etc. Person whose beard gets ripped of his (or her) face first wins.

This would also be super profitable and all proceeds can be used to rebuild Afghanistan and Iraq.