Can't Beard The Thought

I woke up one morning slightly dazed and perhaps running a wee bit late to work. I wondered if I should skip shaving for the day and just head out to work. I laughed, rolled out of bed, grabbed my trusty razor and shaving cream and slit of the offending stubble with Sumarai like ease.

I have thought about growing a beard. I can't. I just can't bear the thought of bearding up. For starters, I doubt I can grow a particularly respectable beard; I'd look awful, uneven patches and all that. Secondly, I don't want to deal with the hassle of a beard and thirdly I'm not shallow enough to need to prove to everyone how great a Muslim I am; I'm sure they're all well aware.

How does one identify a good Muslim? Well, one could try to get to know him, but that just sounds like too much effort. Let's just be consistently superficial and focus on what really matters to us. Looks.
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Is it his zealous eyes (lowered of course), his terrific posture (kept fit through repeated prayer) and most importantly a long flowy beard, long enough to shame dumbledore on one hand and yet still reminiscent of Fidel Castro on the other.

Apparently, in order to be a good Muslim, you have to have a beard. Unfortunately, my french beards, pencil thin mustache strips and  pubescent chin scraggle don't qualify. You need to have a solid all encompassing beard that frames your face to such an extent that covers one skin blemishes as well as provides something soft for your pets to nap on....and your parrot to lay eggs in. 

Now, I'm the liberal sort of fellow and was always under the impression that in order to be a good Muslim...well...that you actually had to act like one....or preferably two, because two Muslims are better than one.

I find it offensive is when someone from Team Beard takes me to task for not having a nest sprouting from my face and feels that it is their moral imperative to convert me to their bearded ways with their eyes greedy for sawab much like a degenerate gambler on a hot streak.

One has to wonder, where did the sentiment is that anyone vying for the title of 'good Muslim' needs to have a beard, wear a skull cap and perhaps quote in the Quran in a language that he couldn't order a bun kebab in.

What does a beard say about a person? That he's too lazy to shave? Or think he looks dashing all furred up. I have seen beards that both suit people and some that don't. Some that are neat and others that look like they've made love to a hurricane. Regardless, if one thinks keeping a beard makes one a Muslim, then perhaps they believe that they can create a nation of Muslims by banning razor blades (I think the Afghani Taliban went down that route; sure worked out there). 

A few have pointed out to me how it's Sunnah, that the Prophet had a beard; granted, but isn't it possible that he just looked really freaking good with a beard? I'm sure glad for our sanity's sake that he didn't rock out a beard braid. Seriously, did they even have a Gillette Mach II back then?

I'd also like to point out that if we lived the same way the Prophet did, then by that same logic we'd all be brushing our teeth with a siwak (tooth stick) instead of toothbrushes. Anti Tooth Brush Fatwa anyone? Or better yet, we'd ban cars and ride Camel back everywhere.  

Whatever happened to tolerance? Why does my clean shaven (and rather dashing) face serve to offend the religious sensibility of others? Why does it provoke at best a superiority complex and at worst, yet another self righteous fundamentalist nut job. Is it because they aren't secure in their own faith and need others' approval for reassurance. If that's the case, I implore them to visit their local chai walla and empathize over the Pakistan cricket team. We all love Chai and Cricket, it's somewhere in our constitution. Yep...the Chai, Cricket and Islam loving Republic of Pakistan.

Why does it matter if I have a beard or not? I doubt God is that shallow when it comes to evaluating the worthiness of our souls. Doubt that God chose the Prophet because he could grow a particular spectacular beard. I may be unfortunately liberal but I imagine that it had something to do with what was in Prophet Muhammad (P.B.U.H) heart. That said, maybe it just seems easier to look like a muslim, rather than be a muslim; which quite frankly, beard or not, we by and large certainly suck at.

Football & Religion: Bad Combo

Of all the crazy shit......

Malaysian Clerics Urge Muslims To Shun Manchester United Shirts: 


Islamic clerics in Malaysia have warned their followers not to wear Manchester United shirts, as the club's nickname and iconography depicts the Devil.

United's traditional nickname of the Red Devils and the use of the symbol of a devil on the club badge has prompted clerics in the Asian country to issue the warning.

"This is very dangerous. As a Muslim, we should not worship the symbols of other religions or the devils," said Nooh Gadot, a cleric from Johor state, according to The Daily Mail.

"Even if it is a gift, we should decline it. It is even more sinful when people realise this is wrong and still buy these jerseys to wear."

Believers in Malaysia are also understood to have been urged to shun the national shirts of Brazil, Serbia, Portugal and Norway, as well as Barcelona's jersey, because their use of the cross is also considered un-Islamic

.....???....


Now, if this is the case and some insipid Malaysian Cleric feels that he has to go on the record and claim that my club, Manchester United's long held Red Devil symbol actually causes displeasure to God, then as far as I'm concerned the facts speak for themselves. 

The message is resoundingly clear; The Clerics are all Arsenal Fans.

Here are some thoughts I've compiled:


Sacred Publicity: Firstly these Clerics are suffering from some attention seeking disorder that requires immediate medical treatment: Personally I vote electric shock treatment. Assuming that these poor chaps aren't completely insane in their relevance, I think it'd be safe to assume that they are looking for an entry point into the big time retarded fatwa business that the nut job Arab clerics appeared to have a copyright license on. 

Watch out Arabic Cleric Supremos, you got competition. Next up. I'm waiting for a ban on Fried Chicken , because it's obviously a tool of repression deployed by the evil west to make Muslim Men unfit for battle against the Dark Lords of the Sith. Wait for it.....Farmville is next in line. 

I wonder what this does to their donation inflow: particularly since the majority of Malays tend to hold the Red Devils close to their hearts....and their arms

Zionist Conspiracy: There is obviously some Zionist conspiracy in the Manchester United Symbol......I mean, duh, there has to be. The Malays just aren't clever enough to figure it out. The group that really ought to ban Football in general are the Christians, after all, it kills their Sunday Church Attendance.

Arsenal Investment: The clerics have secretly bought shares in Arsenal Football club and are hoping for a big pay day when the entire billion plus Muslim world professes their love for the Gunners. I'd like to point out that the greatest 'Gunnar' of them all never even played for Arsenal; His name is Ole 'Gunnar' Solskjaer. 

Squad Representation: None of the players from Norway, Serbia, Brazil and Portugal play for Arsenal ....and conveniently Arsenal is trying rather hard to keep their captain from ditching to Barcelona...coincidence, I think not! ...maybe Cesc is secretly Muslim. Manchester United on the other hand have Vidic (Serbia), Nani (Portugal) and a plethora of Brazilians (Anderson, Possebon, Fabio & Rafael)


Arsenal = Muslim Compliant: Manchester United have no Muslim players. Arsenal have Abou Diaby, Bacary Sagna, Robin Van Persie (apparently he doesn't talk about it).

Football Grounds: They don't realize that although some dramatic columnists refer to football fields at as Sporting Cathedrals, that they are in fact not places of religious worship. 


Emblem Kissing: United players do it alot because we do this quaint thing called winning games....we tend to do it alot. Arsenals players on the other hand....play with theirs until they are deemed worthy to leave the club in search of actual sporting success: Trophies

Numbers: A great deal of jealously has emerged as the 76,000 plus attendance Manchester United's historic home stadium Old Trafford  garners far out strips the minute number of worshippers that attend their local service in Malaysia. They are possibly of the view point that the only reason that so many people congregate in such vast numbers (not to mention the TV audience) is because of Satan. duh. 


The clerics actually believe that we care what their opinion with regards to our footballing interests is. I'd like to beat the kid who brought it up in the first place. Someone who obviously has little self worth and needs a cleric to tell him how to live his life. That ladies and gentleman is where Suicide Bombers come from. 

They don't trust the smiley face on the red devil. The vision of trophy less Arsenal fans crying year after year after there team loses again and again....and again, probably sits better with them.  



I have a developed substitute symbol which I think all Clerics, Islamic, Moronic, Platonic and otherwise can appreciate and get behind....well...not literally...Unless they are into that sort of thing.

And now, that that's sorted. Get onto some real business. Like educating Muslims about their religion and spreading a message of peace, love and tolerance, which may of course preclude them from supporting Arsenal.



PS: YO MALAYSIAN IDIOTS! FOOTBALL FANS DON'T ACTUALLY WORSHIP THEIR TEAM'S SYMBOLS.

A New Afghan Strategy

I thought I ought to help out Ol Barry (Barack Obama) and get him a functional Afghan strategy,whats more is that I want him to win re-election (he's not going to at his current rate of success). I'll tell you right now, the surge won't work. however, I do have some helpful ideas. 

1. Feed Them! The Food in Afghanistan sucks. Is there any country in the world with crappy food and happy people? I think not. Opening multiple chains of McDonald's, KFC's Subways, Pizza Huts etc will do much appease the people. 

McDonald's can launch The Mc Afghan (Quarter pound of grilled Lamb meat....no buns), Mc Turban (a healthy multi layered chicken wrap infused with the smell of poppy leaves....munchies guaranteed), McBurqa (Fish Tacos laced with a tinge of staleness) and the McMullah (A healthy triple decker beef burger choked in cooking oil served with a side of holy water). 

Afghans typically are illiterate, so they wouldn't understand the dietary country, but they'll understand the deliciousness. The better fed they are, the less big deal the countries mess up state will be.

2. Open Smut Houses! Afghan's love watching movies and adore the cinematic experience.A movies success is directly proportional to the size of the heroines butt and amount of shaking in the movie. Nature dictates that Men like seeing Hot women doing terrible degrading things, it sure beats going to nearby football field and watching the same being done between guys. 

Start opening dedicated porn/smut houses and I can guarantee you that the Afghans will find a way to guard the houses. It'll bring people together, tribal affiliations won't matter, instead they'll get block buster style memberships and be united. 

3. Turbans Rock Tour! There is nothing like music, mosh pits and rock and roll to spread happiness. Have Peace promotion concerts with Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, U2 (....ohk, that ones for me, tickets are hard to come by dammit), Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson. You read right. Get a Michael Jackson look alike and have him perform a national tour. Conveniently enough, Afghans have no idea what he looks like (or that he's dead) and are unsure to his exact ethnicity. 

So the upside is that if one or two Michael's end up perishing during the tour, hey no worries....lots of starving musicians out there. They can even name him Mohammad Jackson for the tour and tack on some facial hair (much to the sadness of the sodomizing community). The more famous musicians will be on board because they've wanted to try fresh Afghan dope. 

4. Transmit Liberalism! Directly beam in translated Western channels for free. Afghan's already love Friends (they are planning to kill Satan incarnate Joey Tribbiani, but he's so damn adorable), Prison break (They think it's an informational documentary and are waiting for the Guantanamo bay season) and House (Greg House's brand of tough love reminds them of their Daddy issues, besides, they are curious about this whole hospital healing concept....groovy). 

Afghanistan will be the first country (outside Europe) that will get free porn channels! Now there is a reason to live. I'm sure US can override any traditional Afghan news channels...oh wait they don't have any. 

5. Tactical Replacements! Replace all pain killer medicine with Viagra. The upside is all Afghans will perpetually be in heat and will only have sex on their mind (Men are incapable of using both heads at once....the lower head takes priority), rather than anything anti-western.

The number of marriages will be bursting at the seem and this will increase the standard of living, as well as increase economic activity. However, this may negatively impact the prevailing rate of sodomy in the country. But hey, you win some, you lose some. 

6. Tours of Booty! Make prostitution an offense that requires having a tour of duty, by duty I mean booty, in Afghanistan. World Wide prostitution rates will fall (or be legalized) and these lucky ladies (and men) will have the most awesome tan in the world, before they are allowed to return home. 

Also we can expect many of these women marry the local lads (and potentially lasses), so the ethnic breakup of Afghanistan will change. Incidentally Islam allows 4 wives, but that's fine, as the lasses are already be accustomed to sharing and being treated badly and in fact are highly trained role players. 

7. Move to the Beat: Hallelujah Halal Yo! Release musical tracks with caricature of Mullahs rapping in Afghani (its called Pushto), make it sound pseudo religious, infused with the Jesus I love every body. Peace TV eat your heart out. The tunes will be so darn catchy, that everyone will be humming along to them, the tunes can even be stolen from old backstreet boy tracks. 

In fact they'll be able to get ring tones and download tracks from cellular providers. Tech Savvy Mullah are the Bomb....alright, poor choice of words. 

8. Adopt an Afghan! Due to the war there are already so many orphans roaming around, it'll be a hot new market for the Madonnas and Angelina Jolie's of the world. Tourism industry will boom and their are more than enough orphans to go around. 

Have Obama's adopt an Afghan baby. So much money will poor in from NGO's and other development agencies looking to curry favor from Obama's progeny, that Afghanistan will be reconstructed in the blink of an eye.

9. Hell Hath No Fury As A Women Scorned: The biggest misconception that everyone has about Afghan society is the men are all powerful; this is an utter lie. Get it Right.  

The men (like most men) are scared shit less of their wives. They all come home everyday praying that they're wives (all 4 of them) don't beat the living shit out of them (This is why men are always heavily covered and have beards, to compensate for their facial scars and to enhance their masculinity...its freaking boiling in there). Trust me, its for good reason. Have you seen Afghan Women....they are like special ops...always under the dark cover of anonymity. Freaking Deadly.

Ever wonder why guys are so willing to and fight for God? because they're looking for a reason! They figure that if they fight and die for God, they'll get 70 Virgins...and be far far away from the women in their family. 

Women folk are the ones that get super pissed when the fruit of their loins get killed. Afghans have huge families, if a kid passes dies (usually from inadequate health care), Men are like we have like 8 others, but a women looks at that loss with emotional rage thinking that's one perfectly healthy kid and 9 months of work down the fucking drain!!! 

Do you know how hard it is to tend to a poppy field with only 8 kids...that's screwing with our working capital (Afghan women are very business minded, particularly as their husbands are always playing 'Whose an Infidel' with their friends). What the Hell! Now we have to have yet another kid? Death to the Infidel. 

The solution is to appease Afghan women by providing loads of free cosmetics, clothing, sanitizer wipes, vacuum cleaners, toasters etc. Stop dumping the crap in Africa, they don't have electricity! At least the Afghans have drug dollars and the odd solar panel. 

10. Teach them How to Play American Football: I'm actually serious, for the serene Japanese, baseball worked just fine to further the liberal Satanistic agenda, however, the Taliban are tougher lot. American football is the cure. It has ample weed smoking breaks and instead of using pig skins, alligator hides will be sufficient. 

If the Alligator is still alive, all the better, because they are manly like that. No Helmet or padding required.....safety guards are for wusses. This would be the perfect outlet for their rage, leaving the rest of their days as totally chill out zones.  

The Big Idea

No one, has the perfect solution, but instead of trying to formulate the government, building unused (and soon to be bombed) buildings and putting together a 'national' army, just try helping the people. 

The real problem isn't the corruption, it's the desire to appease the government and power brokers, as much influence as they have, they have no stake in letting Nato's boys leave Afghanistan. The key is empowering the people, worst comes to worse, you'll make their lives a little better. I get it, it's a novel concept, but it's worth a try things can't get any worse, at the current rate, they'll elect Osama Bin Laden.