Can't Beard The Thought

I woke up one morning slightly dazed and perhaps running a wee bit late to work. I wondered if I should skip shaving for the day and just head out to work. I laughed, rolled out of bed, grabbed my trusty razor and shaving cream and slit of the offending stubble with Sumarai like ease.

I have thought about growing a beard. I can't. I just can't bear the thought of bearding up. For starters, I doubt I can grow a particularly respectable beard; I'd look awful, uneven patches and all that. Secondly, I don't want to deal with the hassle of a beard and thirdly I'm not shallow enough to need to prove to everyone how great a Muslim I am; I'm sure they're all well aware.

How does one identify a good Muslim? Well, one could try to get to know him, but that just sounds like too much effort. Let's just be consistently superficial and focus on what really matters to us. Looks.
.
Is it his zealous eyes (lowered of course), his terrific posture (kept fit through repeated prayer) and most importantly a long flowy beard, long enough to shame dumbledore on one hand and yet still reminiscent of Fidel Castro on the other.

Apparently, in order to be a good Muslim, you have to have a beard. Unfortunately, my french beards, pencil thin mustache strips and  pubescent chin scraggle don't qualify. You need to have a solid all encompassing beard that frames your face to such an extent that covers one skin blemishes as well as provides something soft for your pets to nap on....and your parrot to lay eggs in. 

Now, I'm the liberal sort of fellow and was always under the impression that in order to be a good Muslim...well...that you actually had to act like one....or preferably two, because two Muslims are better than one.

I find it offensive is when someone from Team Beard takes me to task for not having a nest sprouting from my face and feels that it is their moral imperative to convert me to their bearded ways with their eyes greedy for sawab much like a degenerate gambler on a hot streak.

One has to wonder, where did the sentiment is that anyone vying for the title of 'good Muslim' needs to have a beard, wear a skull cap and perhaps quote in the Quran in a language that he couldn't order a bun kebab in.

What does a beard say about a person? That he's too lazy to shave? Or think he looks dashing all furred up. I have seen beards that both suit people and some that don't. Some that are neat and others that look like they've made love to a hurricane. Regardless, if one thinks keeping a beard makes one a Muslim, then perhaps they believe that they can create a nation of Muslims by banning razor blades (I think the Afghani Taliban went down that route; sure worked out there). 

A few have pointed out to me how it's Sunnah, that the Prophet had a beard; granted, but isn't it possible that he just looked really freaking good with a beard? I'm sure glad for our sanity's sake that he didn't rock out a beard braid. Seriously, did they even have a Gillette Mach II back then?

I'd also like to point out that if we lived the same way the Prophet did, then by that same logic we'd all be brushing our teeth with a siwak (tooth stick) instead of toothbrushes. Anti Tooth Brush Fatwa anyone? Or better yet, we'd ban cars and ride Camel back everywhere.  

Whatever happened to tolerance? Why does my clean shaven (and rather dashing) face serve to offend the religious sensibility of others? Why does it provoke at best a superiority complex and at worst, yet another self righteous fundamentalist nut job. Is it because they aren't secure in their own faith and need others' approval for reassurance. If that's the case, I implore them to visit their local chai walla and empathize over the Pakistan cricket team. We all love Chai and Cricket, it's somewhere in our constitution. Yep...the Chai, Cricket and Islam loving Republic of Pakistan.

Why does it matter if I have a beard or not? I doubt God is that shallow when it comes to evaluating the worthiness of our souls. Doubt that God chose the Prophet because he could grow a particular spectacular beard. I may be unfortunately liberal but I imagine that it had something to do with what was in Prophet Muhammad (P.B.U.H) heart. That said, maybe it just seems easier to look like a muslim, rather than be a muslim; which quite frankly, beard or not, we by and large certainly suck at.

Islamic Clerics: Guilty of Breast Milk Fetish

"(June 5) -- Women in Saudi Arabia should give their breast milk to male colleagues and acquaintances in order to avoid breaking strict Islamic law forbidding mixing between the sexes, two powerful Saudi clerics have said. They are at odds, however, over precisely how the milk should be conveyed."

Now the mere fact that a fatwa about adult breast-feeding was deemed worthy of a 'fatwa' in the first place should be indication enough that we, somewhere have gone seriously awry...that's strange even as some fatwas tend to go. All of this bizarreness in order to establish "maternal relations" that would obviously preclude the possibility of sexual contact is crazy, even for the Muslim world. Can any Cleric issue a fatwa on anything he feels like?

Our beloved Mullahs have already covered enough weird topics banning Pokemon (Obviously Jewish) and Sponge Bob Square pants (Atrociously Gay), so what's next? A fatwa on taking naps during work (not that I'd ever do that....and get caught). or perhaps the number of toothpicks prescribed for post meal clean up and maybe culminating in a fatwa against Football...oops they already covered that one. However, you are allowed to if you are training for Jihad....just saying.

Then there is Misyar , which. Sort like prostitution but without the pay off. Sweet and innovative. It's like a legalized booty call; basically like a friend with benefits and you don' t have to financially support her anymore. So it's basically 'getting it on' for "getting it on's" sake...with religious permission. There is something oddly genius about this that only a man could come up with.

Sheikh Al Obeikan, an adviser to the Saudi royal court and consultant to the Ministry of Justice, set off a firestorm of controversy recently when he said on TV that women who come into regular contact with men who aren't related to them ought to give them their breast milk so they will be considered relatives.

"The man should take the milk, but not directly from the breast of the woman," Al Obeikan said, according to Gulf News. "He should drink it and then becomes a relative of the family, a fact that allows him to come in contact with the women without breaking Islam's rules about mixing."

Al Obeikan (Obi 'Yes You" Kan) made the statement after being asked on Television interview about a 2007 fatwa issued by an Egyptian scholar about adult breast-feeding, said that the breast milk ought to be pumped out and given to men in a glass.

Now, a sane person would imagine that there would be outrage or atleast a little debate. However, the only debate that followed his remarks was an announcement by another high-profile sheik, Abi Ishaq Al Huwaini (Obi Who Won...ee?), who proclaimed that men should suckle the breast milk directly from a woman's breast......(I'm Still In Shock)

Shortly after this debate errupted, a bus driver reportedly told one of the female teachers whom he drives regularly that for religious reasons he wanted to suckle milk from her breast. The teacher has threaten to file a lawsuit against him, her family may not feel so charitable. I wonder what Egyptian Gun Laws look like?

Now, one has to wonder where this perverted fatwa stems from? Under Islamic law, women are encouraged to breast-feed their children until the age of 2. It is not uncommon for sisters, for example, to breast-feed their nephews so they and their daughters will not have to cover their faces in front of them later in life. The custom is called being a "breast milk sibling." (trust me, I can't make this stuff up).

But under Islamic law, breast milk siblings have to be breastfed before the age of 2 in five "fulfilling" sessions. Islam prohibits sexual relations between a man and any woman who breastfed him in infancy. They are then allowed to be alone together when the man is an adult because he is not considered a potential mate. Apparently no one tracks the google search for the term 'Milf', 'Incest' or 'breast milk fetish'....oddly enough it's a rather popular fetish.

Moreover, the thought of a huge hairy face at a woman's breast does not evoke motherly or even brotherly feelings. It could go from the grotesque to the erotic but definitely not maternal."

Unlawful mixing between the sexes is taken very seriously in Saudi Arabia. In March 2009, a 75-year-old Syrian widow, Khamisa Mohammed Sawadi, living in the city of Al-Chamil, was given 40 lashes and sentenced to six months in prison after the religious police learned that two men who were not related to her were in her house, delivering bread to her.

One of the two men found in her house, Fahd, told the police that Sawadi breast-fed him as a baby so he was considered a son and had a right to be there. But in a later court ruling, a judge said it could not be proved that Fahd was her "breast milk son." Fahd was sentenced to four months in prison and 40 lashes, and the man who accompanied him got six months and 60 lashes.

The original adult breast-feeding fatwa was issued three years ago by an Egyptian scholar at Egypt's al-Azhar University, considered Sunni Islam's top university. Ezzat Attiya (Who is Zat At Eya?) was expelled from the university after advocating breast-feeding of men as a way to circumnavigate segregation of the sexes in Egypt. What can I say, he may be a freak, but he's ballsy.

Well, I do suppose it'll be more maternal if the man sucks the milk out from the woman breast. Perhaps the man should wear a diaper and the women must be obligated to talcum powder, change him and rock him to sleep. Cleaning up puke is definitely a given...As is spanking.

Are fetishes actually halal now? I imagine elbow sex, toe fetishes and ear lobes are next. Maybe even Tranny play. Do these guys ever bother issuing fatwas on things that actually matter? Like terrorism, tolerance, womens rights? How do they expect to spread the message of Islam if their primary audience appears to be sexual deviants....then again, it just might work....not.

How am I, as a (relatively) normal Muslim, supposed to take this seriously?   

Conquering CFA Level 1: Passing the Exam!

I am happy to report that I recently discovered that I passed my CFA Level 1 exam.... on my first attempt. Pretty handily, I might add. Though honestly, I'm more relieved than happy.

Although the exam was in June, I've retained a remarkable amount from the actual experience itself which I felt that I ought to share, lest any of you mere mortals dare attempt an exam with a 1/3 pass ratio. (It's lower if it's your first try).

Personally, I'm thankful that I passed because I doubt my ego could withstand being ranked in the bottom 2/3rd of anything (which is why I was more relieved than happy).

Here are some of the tips I followed and I hope it helps a few of you:

Start Early

This course requires a significant amount of work. The CFA institute prescribes at least 250 hours, I probably did around that or a little less spread roughly over 2.5 Months. I was also working at that time, so it got hectic, even though I had a great boss who was willing to be flexible; If I were you, start earlier, ideally 3-4 months and give yourself a extra time cushion.

That said, if you do not have any background in finance you might require considerably longer time than the 250 hours, I work in finance, so I actually got some studying through my work load.

This exam can be very expensive; I registered in the last deadline and it cost me $1435 dollars. Realize that this is an investment and behave accordingly.

Get the Right Study Material

Unfortunately the material supplied by the CFA Institute is bulky, cumbersome and at times plain stupid. I've yet to meet anyone who has actually used it and passed. In fact its almost designed to put candidates off.

In Pakistan, majority of the people who clear the exam used Schweser Notes (In Pakistan a bootlegged copy costs $35). I'd offer to sell it to you, but then the Schweser folk might get really mad that I reduced there sales by thousands of dollars and sue me.

However, Schweser Notes or Analyst Notes are your best way of efficiently wading through the course and still have enough time for the all important practice exams. I've heard decent things about Stalla as well.

Calculator

The CFA Institute allows you to use only 2 or 3 calculators. I recommend buying either the Texas BA II Plus or Texas BA II Plus Professional as soon as you intend starting with your prep (The HP is acceptable, but has fewer functions).

It is important you get used to the calculator and adjust its settings to your convenience (decimal places mostly). LEARN TO USE IT. It is your lifeblood. And buy, beg or borrow a spare, or at the very least a spare battery and a philips screwdriver (to change the battery).

Work on a Schedule

Make a damn schedule; so you know what your doing and when your supposed to be doing it. If you fall to meet deadlines make sure you have some back up time to eat into. Attempt to diligently follow your plan, you probably won't but it's the thought that counts.

Weekends are ideal for studying, thought what worked for me is planting my butt on a chair for 6-7 hours at a stretch and working through the course. But whatever works for you. A scheduale is important because it gives you a sense of time to the exam which builds the anticipation and sense of urgency.

Course Breakdown

Quantitative Methods, Financial Statement Analysis and Ethics are massive chunks of your course (combined 112/240 or 47%) and more importantly Quantitative methods actually helps you navigate the rest of the CFA course. This is roughly the scheduale I used; It served me well. I strongly recommend it.

A: Economics
B: Quantitative Methods
C: Financial Statement Analysis
D: Corp Finance & Portfolio Theory
E: Fixed Income & Alternate Investments
F: Ethics 
G: Practice Paper 1
H: Revise Course
I: Practice Papers 2 & 3.
J: Last minute forumla & Concept prep

Your strengths can be quants or fixed income and equities. Whichever they be make sure you know that topic inside out, and set your time accordingly. My yardstick was that if I could do the concept checker questions at the end of each study session, I was ready to move on.

If I couldn't, I'd figured out why, they are good barometers to the actual questions in the exam. (The answers are worked out for you in the answers section).

Practice Papers are vital. Take them very seriously and realize that they help evaluate your strenghts and weaknesses as a candidate.

Form a Study Group

I hear great things about study groups, but for me personally, it didn't happen. I would still recommend forming a study group that meets either after work or on weekends; but make sure it's a productive focused group; the fewer close, personal friends the better. If you do make a group, set targets and meet them.

Outside Help

I don't recommend classes unless you are someone with no financial experience. It's a do it yourself kind of course and there are alot of people who've already cleared CFA level 1 whom you can probably access for the tough road blocks. That said, do what suits you. Analyst Notes has a forum that is actually a terrific resource for answering your questions online and they have practice sections for one to attempt as well.

Develop Exam Temperament

Practice papers are very important, do atleast 3. Recreate the environment as best you can. Remember, you have to be able to effectively time yourself and finish attempting all your questions on the answer sheet. Simulate exam environment as far as possible. The Regent Plaza in Karachi for example is always freezing cold, I brought an extra long sleeve polo just incase. My hands also tend to get sweaty when in Exam mode so I brought tissus.

The biggest factor to recreate is planting your butt on a chair for 3 hours at a time and working in dead silence; if you like studying to music, start not liking it; the brain operates on patterns, you train it how to work. CFA don't allow calculator covers, but they'll most likely make you place them them under your chair. I'd still strongly recommend that one try to leave as much of your personal items out of the hall....like cell phones or study notes. They have a place to keep them, but I rather not lose my Phone because the millions of bags got mixed up.

Work Hard
There is no substitute for this one. Just Do It and think of the Pay Off (Money, Women, Prestige, Job etc).  Or in my case Level Two Books (Above)

The Actual CFA Exam: Know Thy Enemy & Vanquish with the Vengence of the Almighty!

The exam is broken up into 2 papers, one in the morning and the second in the afternoon. All topics are tested in both sessions. You have to pass every single section (I think), so there is no value in trying to game the exam. None.Whatsoever. Do not skip anything in your study prep.

The CFA Level I exam is 100% multiple choice questions exam. You will be under time pressure in the exam and need to answer on average one question every 1.5 minutes so you must keep moving through the questions. Because I was well prepared I finished rather early.

As per CFA, this is your day's scheduale

1. There is a strong argument for working methodically through the questions in the order they are set but you might wish to start with a subject where you feel confident and which you can work through fairly quickly. But avoid hopping from one subject to another, you'll waste time and you may end up missing questions. Personally, I did it methodically, and it's much smarter that way.

2. Don't panic if you hit some difficult questions, you can probably get as many as 30 or 40 questions incorrect on each paper and still pass the exam. Which ought to make you feel better. Me?, I like certainty. Just back yourself and soldier on through.

3. Ethics in study session 1 is an important topic, if you are a marginal candidate your ethics score could be the deciding factor whether you pass the exam. Study Ethics: it's infuriating because it's the one section that you can never be quite certain off. I thought I failed it and according to the break down I was in the top quartile.

4. There is no penalty for getting an answer incorrect, so if you don't know the answer eliminate any obviously wrong answers and guess which one is correct.

5. Mark questions in the exam booklet when you are not sure of the answer or where the calculation needs checking and come back to them when you have finished all the other questions.

6. Do not get distracted by a question that does not make sense, if the question turns out to be ambiguous then it will be excluded when it comes to grading the paper. Do not also get distracted by any pretty women in the vicinity. Imagine that they are all vampires and will kill you if you donot pass this exam. 

7. Read the questions carefully, particularly when there is a negative statement in the question. They can get tricky. Practice reading the questions. Practice reading the questions. Did I mention how you should practice reading the questions? 

8. Leave time to check your answers on the answer sheet, be careful you don't miss answering a question. Seriously. Go over your sheet the minute you think your done and review the questions that you weren't sure about.

9. Lunch break: I'm not sure about other testing centres but the food at Regent Plaza was both expensive and terrible, not to mention pure badly concocted junk food. Bring food from home if you can, brown bread, boiled eggs, salad. I went for multiple cans of Red bull. Lots of it. I shouldn't have (I know this but I'm a glutton for punishment). I was very lucky I used the bathroom before I went into the exam for round 2. Do not consume vast amounts of liquids. Imagine that they are are pure acid and will collapse your intestines & stomach should you consumer more than a mere palm full.

10. Testing Policies: Know where your center is: Some cities may have multiple centres. Karachi, didn't but make sure you know where yours is. Have your multiple HB pencils, sharpner, spare calculater, eraser, Government Issued ID ready to go. here are the relevent CFA testing policies

11. Don't Study during the lunch break. Remember, you may be on adrenaline but your brain is very taxed by the 3 hour morning session. relax, talk to friends, if you are so inclined talk to a few of the cute girls (there are few girls taking the exam in the first place; so it may be cute girl.). Donot talk to anyone about the exam. It serves no purpose.

12. Don't stress: Everyone will love you just as much no matter what the result. It's an exam, not your life. You can take Level 1 in Both June and December as opposed to Level 2 & 3 which are held annually in June. So if you don't pass, know that you can take the exam again 6 months later with a higher statistical probablility of passing.


Here are some useful links that actually served as a template for this post

http://www.cfainstitute.org/
http://www.complore.com/tips-cfa-level-1-exam-day
http://www.ehow.com/how_2079031_pass-cfa-exam-level-1.html
http://www.collegeboard.com/student/plan/boost-your-skills/10296.html
http://www.investopedia.com/articles/professionaleducation/07/CFAexam.asp

A 6th Graders Bucket List

Kid's say the funniest things they are implicitly creative and utterly honest; I am still convinced that I'm a kid in an adults body.

One of my friend's from school is a teacher in an urban crap shoot in hell chances of succeeding public school. 

As part of an assignment, he asked his 6th graders what they're hopes and dreams were aka, what do they want to accomplish in life. Some how, it became more like a bucket list. 

Note: these are actual goals as provided from actual 6th grade American students. The only things he altered are spelling and grammar...Obviously, they were given (a lot of ) license to dream. 

The Bucket List:

Punch a stranger in the face and say "You know what you did..." (Well, we are all guilty of something or the other)

Demolish a building with bombs. (Future Arsonist, imminently to be put on an FBI watch list)

Lose some weight. (I felt guilty when I read this one, screw you Paris 'Anorexic is Awesome' Hilton)

Jump off of a giraffe. (Probably more of an accomplishment to stay on a giraffe)


Tomato fight in Italy. (Apparently this is ensures quality tomato sauce)

Dress like Pac-Man and then go into the arcade and play nothing but Pac-Man. When I run out of quarters I will just chase people around the arcade. (Totally amazing)

Play soccer with the Queen of England. (I bet she has a mean right boot)

Wear a Real Madrid soccer uniform with my last name on it, go to Madrid, Spain and sneak into the stadium like I'm one of the soccer players. Then when I'm on the field I want to start a brawl. (It would certainly make the game more entertaining)

Be on a sinking ship. (They obviously watched Titanic once in class)

Go to a fancy restaurant in my underwear. (Alan from Hangover anybody?)

Destroy Pluto. (Why not, it's not a planet and we have plenty of nukes)

Hit people for no reason all day. (Criminal minded much?)

Go to Antarctica, hit a penguin. (Are there still penguins in Antarctica?...wtf happened to Global Warming?)

Crash an adult's party. (A solid dream to aspire to)

T.P. a house. (Toilet Papering a house is where student do exactly that all over the house)

Throw rocks at policemen and run. (Aw, these kids would feel right at home in the Gaza strip). 

Burn down the Amazon Rain Forest. (Yep, more room for poppy fields)

Run into a tornado. (Wtf)

Fight a bear and win. (Me too!)

Play soccer with zebras. (Would the Zebra win because they have 4 feet?)

Ride a shark. (Awesome idea, I always wanted Jaws as a pet)

Be in the UFC. (Ultimate Fighting Championship....real man wrestling). 

Fight Jackie Chan. He's so fake. (Not to mention as old as Fuck)

Meet Vin Diesel. (Of all the people in all the world...)

Fall off of a rollercoaster. (Obviously this kid believes he can fly)

Ride a shark. (This one apparently came up a lot)

Find buried treasure. (Who doesn't?)

Fight a gorilla (Another popular one...wonder if he thinks he can win?)


Running of the Bulls and then eating the bull later. (I out ran you, and now I'm going to eat you!)

Make a grown man cry. (Just wait till his sports team loses and you'll see it)

Become bait for a tiger. (???)

Climb an electrical pole during a storm. (Low life expectancy?)

Catch my hair on fire so it looks like Michael Jackson's. (Someone ought to tell the kid that he's dead)

Buy a shiny cane. (wtf??)

Sky Dive from 8,000,000 feet above ground. (....why 8 million feet?)

Go to a concert and jump off stage. (good one)

Talk to a parakeet for the first time. (And say what?)


Observe a girlfight. (One of life's true pleasures)

Build a mansion on the moon. (To live in, not be an architectural Genius)

Repent so I can go to heaven...after I beat my big brother up. (Hajj anyone?)

Beat up a snake. (Go Tarzan!)

Fly a plane, jump out of it, and hit a red target X. (Awesome, but potentially so suicidal)

Destory an abandoned building with C4. (who wouldn't want to do this)

Blow up a car with sticks. (...not dynamite sticks, but actual sticks...of wood...)

Eat fish in front of a bear and see if he attacks me. (I sure hope you know how to play dead)

Kids are great, but their imagination and propensity for creative wants astounds me every day, I hope all of these kids live out their bucket list, and I sure hope I get to join in as well.

Does beg the question...What is on your bucket list?

Special Thanks To Nick Jones, who is devoting his life to teaching the next generation how to properly fart, spell, play basket ball and hit on the opposite sex.