Shopping: One Woman's Pleasure Is Another Man's Hell

SHOP PHOBIA: All Men Have It!

I hate shopping. I hate the process. Electronics are cool, but when it comes to clothes and boring appliances, men and women have very different ideologies. The truth is that Men and women shop in very different manners. For starters women actually enjoy shopping, men on the other hand, find shopping to be enjoyable as a chain saw swinging dentist appointment...with the dentist in question being blind; Simply put, men will keep rescheduling for as long as feasibly possible.

For The Gals who Rather not go through Child Birth

Men require an iron clad reason to shop, usually when their female loved ones reallocate their wardrobe to the trash bin. Women shop on an impulse, albeit of the planned 'lets spend all day at the local stores just looking around' variety or the, I need new clothes because everyone has seen my wardrobe disorder, coupled with an infection of month old, twice worn clothes. Whenever possible, men are perfectly happy to let their female loved ones shop for them.We know you enjoy it, and you know we hate it.

Dunno what it is, but whats the harm in buying it? My Wallet Feels Heavy

Men, whose mothers and wives shy away from shopping for them, are drawn to one stop shopping solutions, if there was a mythical store where they could acquire a DVD player, Bare essential Clothes and a Bun Kebab, that would culminate in the perfect shopping experience. A Lassi would be nice too. Women have the tendency to work rather differently, preferring to visit as much shops as possible to evaluate the ware almost as if they fear the shops might suddenly close down.

Oh, yes, we love carrying your bags for you.

If a man skips a store on his shopping spree, he doesn't really care. On the other hand, a woman is devastated due to the minute possibility that the store may have re-stocked some new happening wardrobe since the last time she was in the store (in all likelihood the day before).

$$$

For women, shopping is an Olympic sport that combines finesse, debating, charm and the proverbial threat....to leave the store without buying anything. Men consider shopping a sport as well, however it's more akin to the 100 yard dash. The faster you get to the finishing line the better.

The Kind of Shopping Men are Happy to do with Women

Men will do all that is possible to prolong the use of their clothes to prevent future shopping. Whether it's keeping their clothes well, or simply being ambivalent to the presence of mildew and a healthy dose of patches (we were really excited when tatty clothing was 'in'). Women on the other hand, feel the necessity to discard their clothing with regularity. No self-respecting, straight man feels the urge to replenish his wardrobe on a seasonal basis. 

The Heavier the Bag the Tighter the Noose

When men are forced to shop, they tend to select items that will match their current wardrobe, women have the proclivity to buy items that require a whole new array of other items....the cycle is endless. Much to the joy of the consumer industry.

Haggling; Despite putting together complex mergers and acquisitions deals and negotiating multi-year contracts, very few men know how to haggle properly, one can attribute this to their general lack of experience and the general comatose state of mind Men are in while being dragged from store to store by their significant others. Men will very simple look at the price quoted, if it's considered fair they'll pay it.

An approximation of what a woman looks like when you deny her shopping rights

Across generations and hordes of crying shopkeepers lying in their wake, women have developed haggling into an art form worthy of Sadequain; Mind Boggling. Any layman lucky enough to properly observe a woman indulging in her dark art, the words 'Hostage Negotiator' come to mind.

Kim Kardashian Secretly Buying a Sweater for Gorilla Bananas

In addition women are hardly strangers to manipulation, my own little sister, in her early shopping days, once swooned when a jeweler quoted her a price for an item, proclaiming her poverty, once the gentle shop keeper pointed out that the substantial wad of rupees sticking out from her purse.

What do you $%&$ Mean Credit Limit!

She immediately switched tactics and questioned the man's honor for charging so much from a such a young girl. At which point, the jeweler realized that there was no winning the argument. He reluctantly brought the price down to more acceptable levels.....My sister was 9 years old at the time.

Haha, I'm pretty enough to make you go broke

A guy is far more likely to buy the cheapest possible clothing substitute and brag to his friends how little he paid for it (After adding a 20% discount on what he actually paid). A woman on the other hand, tends to shy away from such indecency but will, to her friends and husband aka financier, typically add 20% to her buying price, not to mention add a brand label.

The Good Kind of Shopping

Making Clothes: Men don't make clothes; they tend to have an affection with all things ready made. You give a man a chunk of cloth and he'll wonder if the shop keeper mistakenly thought that his customer either asked for new sheets or was preparing to go to hajj. Women on the other hand, like nothing better to get their hands on some kapra (cloth) and go to work on it; apparently 'fashion designer' is embedded in their genetic makeup.

Women, wherever possible will shop in packs, whenever a hostile negotiation over the price of tooth picks is ongoing, their team will either participate or look judgmentally at the said shopkeeper. It's a team effort. It's also a social factor and a way for womenfolk to bond. Men, shop alone, it's not an outing, it's a solo drive-by laden with as few receipts as humanly possible.

Getting Married for the Gifts

Shopping is a part of all of our lives, but for those who shop; Proceed with caution. Women Don't Mess Around....

A Typical Woman's Christmas List

A Version of this article appeared in the Printed Edition of the Dawn

10 Ways to Lose a Pakistani Girl

How does one get rid of a Pakistani girl? You've had your fun, the relationship has run its course, and you want to break up without being the one to do the actual breaking up. Contrary to popular beliefs it's not just picking inane fights, here are some methods that I've noticed to be particularly effective.

I call it the Muhammad Asif

1. Poor Prioritizing: Prioritize ANYTHING over her. Medical Emergencies, Family, Work and Saving Accounts are not excluded.....unless of course they are hers. Pakistani women, have some sort of skewed perception that their partners world revolves around them. Considering our nation's abysmal productivity levels, that may as well be true. Make her your temporary number 2 and she'll permanently remove you from her life with the delicacy of a kabaddi match. 

2. Feelings: Not being 'sensitive' enough to her feeling. It astounds us, how anyone can have strong feelings about Sania Mirza wearing similar clothes to yours....it's a freaking Nike shirt! What is there to feel? However, if you are interested in retaining that lady's companionship services, it is both feasible and advantageous to pretend. Otherwise, just use the words 'feelings' and 'stupid' together in as many sentences as possible. 

3.  Hobby Defamation: Contend that shopping isn't a worth while pursuit and is an utter waste of any sane persons time and money. The only thing Pakistani women are more passionate about than judging other people are their own wardrobes....which they use as a yardstick to judge other women. There is also great utility in discussing the size of her wardrobe with all of the barebacked kids in Africa and why she doesn't feel guilty. 

4. Charm School: Be rude to her friends. All the time. Girls will only date men, once their friends deem them desirable. Start referring to her friends as the Team Piglet or the Tranny Nannies, You'll be replaced rather quickly once you are not show off worthy. Also show up to group outings in a poncho.... complete with a shalwar and Bata slippers and erase the word 'sorry' from your vocabulary when you speak to her....not even if her pet passes away.    

5. Peer Comparison: Compare your girlfriend to other women in your life. About how awesome a cook your mom is, about how wonderful your old ex-girlfriends are etc. and about how all the pretty girls at the office are so efficient, yet never have a hair out of place. Notice other women; If you really want to irritate her, tell all of her friends how chikni they look and how she looks 'sahee'....and look dead serious.

6. Call her all the time and ask stupid questions. The dumber the better. Like that your boss used a red pen instead of the blue pen when he wrote you a note and what means....on a deep level. She'll get annoyed read fast. Note: This doesn't work if she likes answering dumb questions too. If you really want to annoy her, as he about her favorite insect, rock, hair band etc or just about any arcane topic she, in all likely hood, knows nothing about....like cricket. 

7. Time Allocation: Not being up for a 'chitty chat' at 3 in the morning, after all what loser is in bed by then. Apparently, only the worthy are cognitively functional at a drops notice, even when sleep deprived. No man knows why you have the urge to talk to us at 3 Am. When a Pakistani girl want's to talk to you, you'd better get up and talk....and pretend to care what she's talking about. If you don't then go into a tirade about you favorite sports team, eventually she'll break up or hang up on you without your noticing. 

Generation Z Way

8. Question her Goals: Ask her what she wants to do with her life, and subsequently question whether she ought to be slightly more ambitious that wanting to get married and encouraging/pressuring her guy to get a big car, a big house for the sake of his own happiness. Apparently it's taboo to ask why a girl gives up her career after she gets married....even when the couple live with the guys family....and have a legion of servants.... Bad form it is. 

9. Emit Body odors in her presence on a regular basis. Women have a unique sensitivity to their own natural odors. Men, for the most part usually can burp, fart and shoot snot balls on command. Eat lots of oily food laced liberally with garlic and drink tonnes of fizzy drinks and you should be able have the wonderful lady in question break up with you.

10. Cheat on her: Proven to be the most effective. The closer the friend you cheat with, the higher the probability that she will break up with you. However, if she doesn't, take some respite in the fact that'll she'll do anything to keep you. You are a prize.

If all else fails. Deny Her Existence and of Any Relationship that might make your Mummy Mad.

Islamic Clerics: Guilty of Breast Milk Fetish

"(June 5) -- Women in Saudi Arabia should give their breast milk to male colleagues and acquaintances in order to avoid breaking strict Islamic law forbidding mixing between the sexes, two powerful Saudi clerics have said. They are at odds, however, over precisely how the milk should be conveyed."

Now the mere fact that a fatwa about adult breast-feeding was deemed worthy of a 'fatwa' in the first place should be indication enough that we, somewhere have gone seriously awry...that's strange even as some fatwas tend to go. All of this bizarreness in order to establish "maternal relations" that would obviously preclude the possibility of sexual contact is crazy, even for the Muslim world. Can any Cleric issue a fatwa on anything he feels like?

Our beloved Mullahs have already covered enough weird topics banning Pokemon (Obviously Jewish) and Sponge Bob Square pants (Atrociously Gay), so what's next? A fatwa on taking naps during work (not that I'd ever do that....and get caught). or perhaps the number of toothpicks prescribed for post meal clean up and maybe culminating in a fatwa against Football...oops they already covered that one. However, you are allowed to if you are training for Jihad....just saying.

Then there is Misyar , which. Sort like prostitution but without the pay off. Sweet and innovative. It's like a legalized booty call; basically like a friend with benefits and you don' t have to financially support her anymore. So it's basically 'getting it on' for "getting it on's" sake...with religious permission. There is something oddly genius about this that only a man could come up with.

Sheikh Al Obeikan, an adviser to the Saudi royal court and consultant to the Ministry of Justice, set off a firestorm of controversy recently when he said on TV that women who come into regular contact with men who aren't related to them ought to give them their breast milk so they will be considered relatives.

"The man should take the milk, but not directly from the breast of the woman," Al Obeikan said, according to Gulf News. "He should drink it and then becomes a relative of the family, a fact that allows him to come in contact with the women without breaking Islam's rules about mixing."

Al Obeikan (Obi 'Yes You" Kan) made the statement after being asked on Television interview about a 2007 fatwa issued by an Egyptian scholar about adult breast-feeding, said that the breast milk ought to be pumped out and given to men in a glass.

Now, a sane person would imagine that there would be outrage or atleast a little debate. However, the only debate that followed his remarks was an announcement by another high-profile sheik, Abi Ishaq Al Huwaini (Obi Who Won...ee?), who proclaimed that men should suckle the breast milk directly from a woman's breast......(I'm Still In Shock)

Shortly after this debate errupted, a bus driver reportedly told one of the female teachers whom he drives regularly that for religious reasons he wanted to suckle milk from her breast. The teacher has threaten to file a lawsuit against him, her family may not feel so charitable. I wonder what Egyptian Gun Laws look like?

Now, one has to wonder where this perverted fatwa stems from? Under Islamic law, women are encouraged to breast-feed their children until the age of 2. It is not uncommon for sisters, for example, to breast-feed their nephews so they and their daughters will not have to cover their faces in front of them later in life. The custom is called being a "breast milk sibling." (trust me, I can't make this stuff up).

But under Islamic law, breast milk siblings have to be breastfed before the age of 2 in five "fulfilling" sessions. Islam prohibits sexual relations between a man and any woman who breastfed him in infancy. They are then allowed to be alone together when the man is an adult because he is not considered a potential mate. Apparently no one tracks the google search for the term 'Milf', 'Incest' or 'breast milk fetish'....oddly enough it's a rather popular fetish.

Moreover, the thought of a huge hairy face at a woman's breast does not evoke motherly or even brotherly feelings. It could go from the grotesque to the erotic but definitely not maternal."

Unlawful mixing between the sexes is taken very seriously in Saudi Arabia. In March 2009, a 75-year-old Syrian widow, Khamisa Mohammed Sawadi, living in the city of Al-Chamil, was given 40 lashes and sentenced to six months in prison after the religious police learned that two men who were not related to her were in her house, delivering bread to her.

One of the two men found in her house, Fahd, told the police that Sawadi breast-fed him as a baby so he was considered a son and had a right to be there. But in a later court ruling, a judge said it could not be proved that Fahd was her "breast milk son." Fahd was sentenced to four months in prison and 40 lashes, and the man who accompanied him got six months and 60 lashes.

The original adult breast-feeding fatwa was issued three years ago by an Egyptian scholar at Egypt's al-Azhar University, considered Sunni Islam's top university. Ezzat Attiya (Who is Zat At Eya?) was expelled from the university after advocating breast-feeding of men as a way to circumnavigate segregation of the sexes in Egypt. What can I say, he may be a freak, but he's ballsy.

Well, I do suppose it'll be more maternal if the man sucks the milk out from the woman breast. Perhaps the man should wear a diaper and the women must be obligated to talcum powder, change him and rock him to sleep. Cleaning up puke is definitely a given...As is spanking.

Are fetishes actually halal now? I imagine elbow sex, toe fetishes and ear lobes are next. Maybe even Tranny play. Do these guys ever bother issuing fatwas on things that actually matter? Like terrorism, tolerance, womens rights? How do they expect to spread the message of Islam if their primary audience appears to be sexual deviants....then again, it just might work....not.

How am I, as a (relatively) normal Muslim, supposed to take this seriously?   

Platonic Friendships: I Call Bull Shit!!!

Platonic friendships are defined as affectionate, non-sexual relationships. I don't think men don't typically have them with women. I doubt anything resembling platonic friendships actually exists. The only platonic inter-sex friendships that exist are between guys and their buddy's girl friend; It’s because we go into Bhaabi mode. Other than that, a girl may as well believe that she's walking around with a bull’s eye on her backside. Even if she's ugly, after all, there is somebody for everybody. 

A girl knows that a guy is interested in them, but she isn't interested in him, so she makes him, her platonic friend. The only way she can make this utterly and completely clear is requesting him as her 'brother' on Facebook. Short of that she's leaving open the possibility that even though you aren’t Mr. Right, you may be Mr. ‘Eh Alright’, which is wise since majority of women fear becoming an old maid.  

Guys pretend to be platonic friends because they want to be more something later, or they buy that crap women spew that I like to get to know the person better before they date....complete lies, a woman will either date you or she won't, she'll use you till you become wiser...take it as a lesson learnt and applaud yourself for trying.

If you are a guy and want to remain a glorified back up to a girl who thinks she can get something better, but if she can't fingers crossed that she see's you Mr. ‘I’m just the Friend’ as a viable backup option, then by all means go ahead.

Men do exactly the same thing, particularly with girls who we'd feel ashamed showing off to our friends (however, in the right circumstances we may be willing to invest in plastic surgery...seriously).

Is it actually subconsciously manipulative to have such relationships?...yes, but it works both ways and benefits both parties. It fulfills some of the relationship functions of having someone to talk to about your day with a member of the opposite sex, solid practice on light flirting and tremendous ego boosts.

I always wondered why parents get upset when their kids are up late hours at night talking to the opposite sex. Well, it's because they are worried about WHY they are talking. And naturally, they've already figured out that there is no such thing as 'just friends', How many married men do you know that have a chick as their best friend.....does the number ZERO match your tally?

That is also why when men get married they are forced to give up their platonic female friendships, call it a by product of being married to the opposite sex. It’s not that women are generally insecure about their partners fidelity, but they are aware how conniving other women are and how dumb men can be (once our ego is stroked, we go back for more).

Men use platonic friendships with women to gain insight into the opposite sex, we don't understand women, so we create 'fraanships' to get some intel...that's just smart use of available resources.

Men make friends with girls because they want to be in a position where they are able to squeeze into a position where women lean on them, and once they are reliant, they pull the plug. Nice strategy if there ever was one, as once that girl realizes that she can't take platonic boy toy for granted unless they date them...genius really, particularly how needy women are and once they become reliant on having a guy to 'deal' with them...well, then that’s the ball game.

Women use men through these platonic friendship to do things that they would usually ensnare their boyfriends into doing, whether it is running errands, taking them shopping, etc all whilst screaming to the world, 'We're just friends, what is wrong with you' etc etc well, I hate to break it to you, but lean back and think for a second why a man is putting himself through hell (we don't enjoy hanging out at kapra centers or playing chauffeur) to please you....it's not because he wants to be 'your friend'. Odds are that he has plenty of friends who like doing things that other men would likely be classified as 'fun'. 

The friendship that he’s looking for has an exercisable option clause where they can become friends with additional benefits that may cultivate into a relationship of the sort that a girls parents wouldn't be a huge fan off. Most men don't do things like that just to be 'nice', they do it because they have an end game in mind. And if that end game doesn't involve that girl or her friends, it consists of developing female expertise. 

Practice makes perfect, the more female friends you have, the more likely you are to successfully manage and deal with women. Platonic friendships....bleh. More like friends with benefits (halal or otherwise). 


A version of this Article appeared in Dawn Images

For Women: How To Get A Guy

Why I Wrote This:

I feel as though I do go on a lot about the distinction between men and women, and that I ought to do something 'constructive', perhaps have some lessons on how a girl can get a guy, and perhaps some insight how to keep him, manage him well enough that he'll keep being a man, rather than just half of a couple.

Oh, and someone asked me to. Plain, flat and fucking simple.

1. Learn to Cook Food That WE like: Men Like Food. It's be socialized deep into our core. It's very simple why, when we are having a bad day, our mothers gave us awesome food. When we celebrate an achievement or a milestone, we don't go out shopping. We go out to dinner. We also have specific tastes, Some guys hate Alfredo sauce (it looks like sperm), so no matter how amazing your Alfredo Pasta is, don't make us eat it.

We will just to please you, after all it's the decent thing to do, but we will hate it and will envision a life full of Alfredo pasta. Men like Pizza, Lasagne, Nihari, Biryani, etc. We don't expect Top Chef, but comforting tasty dishes go a long way. Women exercise so they can lose weight, men exercise so we can continue eating like teenagers. If we lose weight in the process, High Five.

2. Enumerate our Awesomeness: Tell your target that he's awesome, we like being told how awesome we are. Be as descriptive as possible, if you find the odd metro-sexual man who actually gets his eye brows done, work that in somewhere. Comparing us to famous good looking bad ass actors works well; Robert Downing Jr = Thumbs Up. Effeminate weird chaps like Zac Effron and Hugh Grant = Thumbs the HELL down.

If you tell us that we are awesome and good looking, we are unlikely to disagree with you (it's ungentlemanly) and will definitely believe that you possess sterling taste. Just because we pretend we don't believe you or don't want to hear it, doesn't mean that we don't like hearing about it as much as a superficial teenage girl. It's hard to go overboard, but one should remember that if you are looking to date a guy, he wants a partner, not a groupie.

3. Share our Interests but Within Reason: Men like girls who like doing things outside of restaurants and shopping malls. If a guy likes going bowling or sailing, develop an interest. In that vein we think it's cool for you to know something about our chosen passionate sport, but it's quite another to provide factual reasoning why our chosen team is overrated/sucks/Pathetic.

 And for the love of all that is pure, beautiful and bound to reproduce at some point, DONOT SUPPORT ANOTHER TEAM. Ignorance we can take, but odds are we've been following our teams a lot longer than you've been following us.

NOTE: Most men are Supporters; They'll stick with their team through thick and thin as opposed to Fan; The fair weather bandwagon Supporters. Here is the difference; A Football fan can list most of the starting eleven, a supporter can list the entire first team squad, reserve team and injury status of all the returning players. If a man is a supporter, don't mess he will not forgive you. If he's a fan, he will eventually forgive you for any affront.

4. Respect our Space: Do not intrude on our personal space unless we invite you. Think in terms of Man Zones. Our desk (work or otherwise) is a complete man zone, we don't want cute pictures of crap or adorable decorations...it's our space.  There is a reason why golf courses were men only for a long time....then Tiger Woods came along and messed everything up. Tiger and his tea break hussies.hmmph

5. Boy's Night: It is Holy; Do not plan dates on our boys nights....Never Ever....EVER. God Asked Us To Pray 5 Times A Day, so the boys could hangout at the mosque and catch up that often. Women are not allowed in the mosque or on Boys night. Please don't butt in, because even if we don't want you to come, we'll let you. But we will resent you for it. We need to replenishment our testosterone and doing disgusting manly things like compare fart noises.

6. Win the Wolf Packs Approval: Now very simply put, very few guys date girls that their friends collectively hate or think is ugly. Until wearing masks become acceptable, your best shot of getting a guys crew to like you (and protect him from incessant 'I can't believe you'd even consider going out with her') is to make them like you. It's very easy. Feed Them and tell them all how they are awesome.

Pretend to care what we are talking about. It works both ways, guys will pretend to care about how your nails aren't perfectly manicured, but we really appreciate it if you could return the favor. Unlike women, men are also more gullible so we will actually believe you.

7. You are a Girl, Dress like it, and Dress Well: Men do not like dating tomboy sloppy girls. Our perception of women is lady like wannabe models, while women expect guys to dress like slobs (even though we don't).

Remember, Men don't always go out with the hottest girl available, push comes prefer girls who take pride in the way they look, no matter what their chosen style is, whether it's tank tops, Shalwar Kameezes, Hijab's or even Socialite Runway Model stuff. The better you dress the more likely a guy is going to notice you and be attracted to you. Dudes don't want to bring home the sloppiest dressed girl available unless they are trying to pick a fight with their parents or if she's pregnant....Parent's just pray it's the former.

8. We Believe In Timing: Women like jumping from step to step, like clock work. A guy is not going to be comfortable discussing the name of his first child a week (or first few months) into a relationship. It freaks us out and makes us think that you only want to be with us so you can get married before you become too old and wrinkly (btw, we don't notice those first creases on your face that you fret about, we still see the pretty damn hot girl).

It's not our fault that families expect their daughter to wed by their middish twenties. We are men, we have no biological tick tock. When we are ready for the next step (assuming there ought to be one), we'll do it when the time is right, don't pressure us unless you want us to run the other way towards something of a younger vintage. When we want to go out with you, we'll ask you.

9. Deciphering the Man: The most efficient way to get to know a particular guy, is to see how he interacts with his mother or what he says about her as he regales you about his personal life. Men are taught to interact with the opposite sex through their family, if his mom is domineering sort with him, you have a good shot at controlling him too. It's his comfort zone after all. Mimic the Mom and You have your strategy. I'd also like to add that if the guy is a douchebag with his mother, then you should really move on, because that's precisely how he will treat you, despite any initial lovey doveyness. Think of it as an aborted attempt at change after we've already gotten the girl.

10. Smile at Us: Men are suckers for a nice smile, the genuine naturally sweet smile that all girls have within them. As opposed to the superficial camera perfect smile that's constructed primarily for societies cultural manner obsession. Seduce us, we'll sort the rest out later once our wallets are empty.

PS: There are exceptions to all of these rules, but they by and large they work.

The Big Idea: 

Men pursue women, women pursue men, both should have the tools of how to attract each other and in fact result in a meaningful relationship. Women by in large don't understand men, they don't realize that men try to appear just plain better than we actually are, and that women do the same. If you like a guy, I recommend figuring out why and what you are willing to do to ensnare him. As far as men are concerned, if we truly like a girl, we'll move mountains stone by stone...which is why we like explosives and things that go boom!

If you have many failed relationships, don't worry, practice makes perfect.....I think.

A version of this article appeared in Dawn's Sunday Review.

Love of the Game: Going Pro or Retiring

I'm always curious when I find guys that are ready to give up the single life for a life of monogamy. I mean, you are bound to be disappointed in some way, their isn't any 'they lived happily ever after', there is however, they mostly lived happily every after until they divorced....or forgot to; the benefits of old age if you will.

Majority of guys retire from the 'game', and with the passage of time some even mount comebacks either during their unions or once divorces papers are finalized.. The brave remaining, the Players who (perhaps) fortuitously decided that they were meant to go Pro, to be life long bachelors and womanizers of the highest degree. I applaud them for their bravery, after all, society looks down on those poor guys for not settling down and managing offspring.

I wonder why some would choose this path less traveled and the truth is that it has nothing to do with finding love. They've realized that for them, the concept of love and the subsequent relationship that goes with it, is the greatest game of all time; It is their purpose in lives to be the Tiger Woods of the Love Game. They want to maximize the good times of a relationship without having to endure the domestic pain that the institution of marriage brings about. This deserves a high five, not an admonishment.

They have enough belief in themselves and enjoy their own company enough that they are willing to take a life long gamble to pursue a hedonistic lifestyle. If that's what fulfills them, then power to them.

The whole man woman game is the greatest natural reality show in existence, there is always drama, excessively supplied by women, though brief men cameo's do make some contribution. Fights emanate from the ridiculous to the sublime.

Small things such as a guy not noticing his girlfriend's new hair cut (Advice: If you really wanted him to to notice something and be happy about it, get a boob job), and perhaps spending too much visual time on his girlfriends attractive friends. It is fraught with complications, but it's a different game in itself. From the beginning of a guys marriage right to the end, his biggest fear is the potential for divorce and the subsequent social fall out. And to be fair, he can hardly be blamed, so he makes it work. Couples endure each other for decades and take out their frustration on newer couples and hence the cycle continues.

The true passion that 'Players' feel for the game isn't the relationship itself, but the pursuit, the hunt. It is great, it is tenuous and it is everything to them. Maybe there lives are actually shallow and full of nothing but meaningless one night stands a sack full of stories, but if Life it's a compilation of your experiences, what is it? And who is to say that there isn't just as much meaning and satisfaction in 'going pro', as there is in settling down.

Who the hell are we to judge, we also want each other to be happy, right? Or would we rather everyone being equitably miserable? Either way, we enjoy discussing other peoples choices, for no other reason than to avoid a hard seething glance at the mirror.

For those couples that are shaking their heads, telling themselves how much they love each other and naively calling me a Jack Ass. C'mon seriously, you'll never maintain that same level of passion. It'll eventually be a disappointment (statistically), Love grows but passion fade and men tend to confuse love with sex. The less sex men get, the more they feel inclined to get it elsewhere.

Some guys feel like it's their right to cheat (men are also genetically programmed to procreate and spread their seed). After all, as far as they are concerned they are doing their best to make their partners happy (yes living in LALA land), but their former amorous parters no longer reciprocate they're sexual advances, so they justify cheating.

Which is probably why 'love' marriages tend to have a hire divorce rate than 'arranged' marriages. Arranged marriages aren't burdened by expectations...of any passionate sort. Marriage is a duty and a burden to be silently (or not so silently) borne..

We all see unhappy marriages and relationships, and laugh them off, discounting any possibility that it could one day be ourselves (we are smarter than they...which is exactly the same thing they thought). We fail to recognize and learn from the short comings people experience in relationships, even our own. But what I've always noticed, that it's the Players who keep their emotional attachments in check are the ones have the most baller times. They the Players, I applaud you for your zest for life and commitment to love of the game. Nike ought to make you guys some custom made shoes and a wrist band.

I recall some friends of mine, a couple, who would argue from time to time, without fail the only way any argument would be resolved is if one went on a tangent of how cute or adorable the other looked. After catching my breath from the subsequent puking, I realize that no matter if they stay together for ten or twenty years, theies was not a feasible relationship (incidentally the love birds lasted only another 3 weeks). There are some problems you can't just 'lovey dovey' BS away.

You have to stand up to your partner, resolve them and prepare to take any negative consequences as they come. Be a man, and take the pain knowing that a women can cause a man more pain in a five minute rant, than he could ever accomplish in a lifetime. So, I'm hard pressed to wonder why I sane man would sign up for that, rather than the freedom and privileges the single Pro life has to offer?

The answer is simple; Men are not logical in matters of love. When girls look at a guy, all they really see or measure are his financial prospects, not if he is likely to love them. It's a logical compatibility issue as far as they are concerned, even though their expectations of 'what they are worth', will vary as they get older and well...essentially less attractive (there..I said it).

Girl's most appreciable currency is their looks, which makes the game that much more intriguing. Women are aware of 'The Game', this dance we play with each other like some Cultist pairing ritual. The older they get, the more conniving, after all, whilst older guys may marry younger women, young guys don't marry older women. If they do, they are considering Saints....or Prophets for that matter

Note: Prophet Muhammad's (Peace Be Upon Him) first wife Bibi Khadija was 15 years older than him, but she was exceptionally awesome (Duh, she Married the PROPHET).

Guys on the other hand lose or redefine the essence of themselves when confronted with a particularly fantastic girl (as per their expectations). Men don't really care about the girls family, all what they really cares about is how she looks (shallow I admit) and if they can get along (Thumbs Up for Compatibility Check). The guy's family takes care of rest of the details.

Men are fools in Love. So cut us some slack when we look back in time and remember the glorious times when we were Single, Great at it and Positively Awesome. We gave it all up to spend our lives pleasing, growing with and appreciating one woman, and as emotionally sweet as that may sound, our genetics fight monogamy till the day we die.

Whether we go Pro or Retire from the Game all together, the choice is our own, but if we take the risk of love, we'll almost always lose, but we live for the dream of when we roll the dice and come up trumps.

For all of you incorrigible womanizers, 'Stay Thirsty, my Friends' and for your sake, I sure hope Hell is a Wanton Beer Garden.

How to Treat a Lady... (Part I)

I was recently solicited for advice on how to treat a lady, I obviously pleaded my ignorance in all things women, but despite my repeated admonishments that I have no experience in how to treat a real lady, I still couldn't help let the idea swirl in my head and languish in my ignorance.

I had originally intended to commence with my usual adolescent fraternity dribble about how it's typically better to say a joke, act cold(assholesque), and bluntly tell people what to do etc. but end of the day, it's complete BS guys all told to make ourselves feel better; For the real catch, you need the real deal.

I even quoted my favourite skirt chaser's take on life and marriage, "Guys want some dumb hottie to run around with and will only settle down when the sure thing is good enough versus rolling the dice at a bar."

Guys (Alpha Males in particular) want a girl slightly to waaaaay dumber than they are, so the guy can make the call about where to eat and when to hit the sack. Guys want a companion, not a warden. Men love it when a girl is literally in awe of their views and capabilities. If you haven't tried dating someone dumber than you, try it. If there are no girls dumber than you, then you deserve to end your genetic line, if for nothing else, than the betterment of man kind.

Who wants a chick to nag them when you could get an academically challenged bombshell, but unfortunately (for him) he wasn't looking for the usual Alpha Za BS I tend to spew.

Apparently, my former protege and now present day schmuck had met, The One. I was rather disappointed in him, God took him away from us far too soon (R.I.P). After saying a small prayer for his lost soul, I have subsequently succumbed and am providing him with advice that goes against my better judgement.

I'd like to preface this by saying that he isn't looking to merely score, he legitimately feels that this is Mrs. I'm ready to Retire my Play Boy Subscription and am a Cluster fucking Idiot.

There is a huge difference in trying to build a relationship with the girl of your dreams as opposed to one night standing it.

1. You Hit the Mother of all Jack Pots: Regardless of any Man Law ratings services, your date is the most beautiful desirable girl on the face of the cluster fucking planet. Period.

Do not pay any attention to the swarms of drop dead gorgeous girls around, trust me, she has already noticed them and feels self concious. If you want to make any degree of inroads with (or on) her, pretend they don't exist. If you want to gawk at hot girls, then go to a strip club or to a girls volleyball match.

Pay legitimate compliments, hopefully because you mean them, but mainly because women are generally insecure. By telling her that she looks good will give her confidence and make her more responsive to you. But this has to be done properly, gentlemanly in fact. No Stupid Shit.

Do not compliment her on her figure beyond the general 'you are looking great'. To be clear, telling a girl she has a nice rack is stupid and a sure shot way to have water thrown on your face. If on the off chance she likes it, then re-evaluate, she might be good for a little fun, but you have ask yourself if you really want to play with the toy that's been tossed around the entire play ground, can you imagine how many other guys germs are all over it? But if your really committed, go all out.

2. Specific Meal Payment Etiquette; These are time honored and true. I refuse to believe that girls are offended by these no matter what their degree of feminism is (if they are feminist, run for the hills....or at least Capitol Hill, DC intern staffers are cute and lonely....but I digress).

Do not let her pay for any portion of the meal. You pay for her meal, not because it's a power play and you tell yourself that she'll be paying for it later, because you have the profound privilege of her company. An alternative rule that I have heard is that the person who issues the invite is the one responsible for paying, but that's a cop out for any self respecting employed guy. Men woo Women. Period.

When the bill arrives, if she does more than the token protest and offer to pay (this will usually happen), then simply reply how it's the best investment you ever made. If she continues to haggle you (I still recommend running to the hill), then reply (with as much fake sincerity as you can muster) that she can get the next one (tab).

This does two things, firstly she'll think your serious about seeing her again (even if you don't want to) and secondly she'll find it really clever and flattering. You can also keep repeating this line for future dates in perpetuity.

Now these responses will work for 99% of all dates, nut if she really is a complete nut job on her period (did I mention how you should be running for the hill?) and is extremely insistent. Then offer to continue the date and let her get coffee or desserts from somewhere else. (So you get to spend more time with The One).

However, I do remember a story from my resident skirt chaser in chief where he used the above tactics and nothing worked. Fortunately for the story, he's a rather obstinate fellow and felt that he had to win the argument (no man legitimately dating a truly rad girl will win every (or any) argument, nor does he really want to), so he leaned over her and smirkingly said 'why don't you take care of me later and we'll call it even', after which he was expecting her to stomp off as mad as a hornet, however, she cooly replied, 'Well, I'm not going to, so why don't you save the money and get yourself a nice tart off the street'. This girl deserves honorary bro membership. Respekt.

3. Eyes on the Prize: This is actually very simple. Do not look at her chest. Laws of common dating etiquette dictate that Women don't mind the odd admiring class or if you are checking them out on their way in or out of a place (I think its so that can you can watch out for the pretty face with the lobster body (all the meat is in the back)). Women like the respectful appreciation as long as you can put your tongue back in your mouth within a reasonable period of time. But they take severe issue with you if you have a fixation with their chest area and to be frank, I can't blame them.

A friend of mine (Fred), while out to dinner was informed by his date that she didn't like that he stared at her breasts all the time, and that it made her feel like a piece of meat. He helpfully responded, "Yeah but like a premium genetically superior steak". Needless to say Fred is a Grade A cluster fucking idiot, but he serves as a useful lesson. Eyes Up!

If your eyes need to wander somewhere, make sure it's right into her eyes. Girls tend to find it flattering. But the key is not to look too intensely, then it's just creepy.

4. Promote the Color Red; Red roses, red wine, red steak, red bull all the best things in life are red. Even Vampires agree, blue blood just isn't as good as red. The color red should be very important to you, a red tie for example exudes power (duh...obviously you're suited up).

Always tell a girl that she looks amazing in red, because frankly it's a (scientifically proven) sensual color; It gives girls more confidence to be daring and fun. And odds are you'll get lucky..ier than you usually would.

5. This is Your Party, Make it Count; Your main duty for the duration of the date isn't gathering her medical history, how many kids she wants, what her job entails (PS: terms like works in fashion typically means low level employee in a retail outlet) or canvassing her political views (no good can ever come of this, remember, your trying to seduce her, not debate health reform). Your role is to make sure she is having a good time and not screw things up.

Since most dates will be over coffee or a meal, you will have plently of talking time, so make sure you have some funny anecdotes to tell, or just make some up if your really not that interesting.

If you want to know if a girl finds you riveting (and worthy of a second date/kiss), then lower your voice a few decibels and see if she leans forward. If she does, then keep doing what you're doing (even if all it is, is making fart jokes...ohk maybe not), if not, then that means she hardly cares, change your line of attack.

All you need to do is find out what she is interested in, and ask her about that and somehow relate that to something you do. Girls look for signs that you are compatible and that you've made an effort for her.

"Aw, did you dress up just to impress me?" The reason why a guy should dress up for a lucky lass isn't so that she can be wowed by your latest array of threads, it should be because he feels that she is so beautiful, that she deserves to be out with a well dressed man (though if she's impressed, why the hell not?).

If you can't pull off a sincere sounding response with a straight face, then practice in front of the god damn mirror. (this is actually redundant as she knows you dressed up for her, she's teasing, you stupid cluster fuck).

Thou shalt open the door, car door (preferably your bedroom door). It's a quaint old tradition, but girls like this part of the wooing process. I have little clue why, but I am assuming Hugh Grant did something that made it seem chivalrous. Besides, nothing says I like you, than opening the door for a girl so you can check her out.

To be continued...

Ladies, please stop trying to change your men...

I am sick & tired of hearing women complaints from my male friends in relationships. So hear me now, and hear me clear women of the world!

"Women, please stop trying to change your men" (I said men partly in case you are currently juggling multiple relationships (respect & what up high five!)).

You find it exhausting, we find it exhausting. So lets find a way to deal... make a deal even.

We can either option 1. communicate more or option 2. just ignore the differences and have a dandy old time and let the relationship runs it course....(subject to life expectancy and pregnancies)

All those who vote to "communicate more" please give your selves a hand of applause and then promptly use that same hand to slap yourself. Because communication between a man and a woman is hard to the point of insanity. Women think with more complexity than a man ever will.

All those who voted for Option two, pat yourselves in the back and realize that your significant other in all likelyhood hates you part of the time. Big deal. Nothing and Nobody's perfect (Except the big guy; he put us all in a perfectly concocted mess to test us....and have fun watching us squirm).

Ever wonder why they say behind every great man stands a woman? Its because every great man realized early on that the best way to avoid that woman was to work longer hours and be subsequently be home less.

Women are masters of subtle communication, there are more avenues that women use to communicate on that they probably don't even realize.
Men, on the other hand, like things in power point form with short attractive looking bullets. It is an insurmountable chasm that can only be bridged if both sides appreciate the difficulty of that problem.

By communicating, one prevalent theme emerges. Men don't like to change and women like change...in fact they like changing. Put it down to the Male species' adolescent appreciation of sports or having the same mindset and hobbies as from their teens; the male species doesn't like to innovate from within. Yes men have the ability to pretend to care and adjust their habits slightly by lying to their partners ('Honey, that salad you sent me for lunch was delicious, I can't wait to try the cauliflower soup tomorrow").

Women may be devious, but Men will Lie outright to avoid conflict with their Partners. (See Happily Married men blogs for details)

Hence, the dilemma, Women don't just like or appreciate change, want to be the catalyst of change in their man's life (for case studies please examine the evolving habits of whipped men everywhere). I'm not sure if its genetic and to be fair, women have to worry more about things earlier in life like settling down, having kids, having enough money to take care of kids, saving enough money for kids college, than your average male does. Essentially, we can reproduce till the day we die. Boo Yeah Father Time.

Personally, I've always found it odd how women want to change the guys they date, I mean, those poor lads were good enough for them to date in the first place, so now whats the problem? Obviously there can't possibly be so many things wrong with the man in question that act as causes for break-ups.....such is the mystery of womenfolk.

So here is what I've learnt from other people (the source of these will anonymous till my death bed or until his girlfriend beats it out of me)

Life of a couple; There are always going to be things about both people that the other wants to change, its all in how the person goes about achieving (or attempting) that change. It is a process. With woman the stereotype is more superficial in nature, like clothing, or furniture (easy enough, once it gone... its gone and men typically don't like shopping adventures) but can also be habits (which are much harder to change...on average 30 days and the source of constant nagging). As for Men, I personally think we just want women to nag less and keep your end of anything we've decided on doing.

Changing attributes in partners doesn't work unless its something that can suit both people (give & take if you will). Even then, one doesn't want to give control to the other person, which is the real flaw in communication. When a man's female partner decides to tell him exactly what she wants him to do, he'll do the opposite or at least subconsciously undermine her desires. This may lead to pretending to act in an acceptable manner, which the man will resent. Delicate exhaustive communication is required for any progress.

Eventually, after undergoing much resentment, both partners just become more understanding of each others quirks or learn to ignore things that bug them or pretend its a deficiency that is actually cute and endearing about the other.

"Oh that Ali, he still rolls his socks up into little balls and attempts free throws into the laundry basket just like when we first met, its so endearing and probably why I still love him."

Ladies, stick with option 2, life is short, you never know how long you can drag it out, hell it could even be a lifetime but do us a favor, appreciate men for what we are and love us and support us despite our frustrating limitations, we've inherently already promised to do the same. In our heart of hearts we truly want our relationships to last the race, but we don't like changing what we are to get there.

Just in case Option 1 is undertaken:
In support of Bro's everywhere I am launching
"Bro's having change issues with their Significant others Anonymous".
or BS Anonymous
The meetings will entail:
Poker Wars: We will indulge in poker (and improve members ability to bluff/lie)
Board games: Risk & Monopoly (improve their negotiation skills)
Sports hour: (discuss sports at length be used as fodder to annoy their nagging partners)
Feelings minute: Quick fire ideas how to avoid them and preferably effective means to drown them.
Nap Time: Who doesn't love a good nap without dreading their partners coming to the room to wake them to do chores.

The title is intentional, any gay members are welcome to join as their insight will be useful in subtle communications classes (until such members appear we will be practicing for the Shrugging Shoulders and burping Olympics).
Note: Any Spies found will be killed via an IV drip of grease from McDonalds. Don't mess with us. Seriously.

Member fees are nominal. All proceeds will go to charity; be used to fund future Bachelor parties...preferably in different zip codes where relationship rules will not apply and the only change is in Poker Chips.