Farmers Against Agricultural Taxation Standing United (F.A.A.T.S.U)

DON'T TAX ME BRO!

To be a farmer in Pakistan is to reside in a financial paradise. You have government subsidized irrigation and electricity, your output has set government funded support prices ensuring healthy dependable profits (Thank you Pasco!)...particularly since the guys setting the prices are the farmers themselves.....and in a country of a 170 million hungry mouths, demand is never a problem. Career and profitability wise, life is good.

Because talking just got harder.....

Now, it has been well documented (by most of my professors and lady friends) that my mind tends to wander off (mind you, it rarely comes back in a sane state), and on such an occasion I contemplated a scenario where the noted hard hitting, hard talking, and soft drinking BBC show Hard Talk's Tim Sebastian ....would actually interview these esteemed group farmers, over their lack of taxable income. Farmers in Pakistan pay nil tax.

They call me Sebastian. Tim Sebastian. Like the Sex Symbol. Which also happens to be Me.

Note: Sorry Stephen Sackur, every time I see you, I think of much needed hair implants and Donald Trump's vagina. It's nothing personal. I just can't take your weirdly pitched voice seriously.

Stephen 'Everyone makes fun of my name' Sackur

The topic of discussion is a farm tax to help pay for the damages caused by the floods. Needless to say, the Farming community is not happy with such a scenario. Simply because once we start taxing agriculture even a little bit, they can tax it again later. Which is the real doomsday scenario. Hence, the creation of FAATSU! Farmers Against Agricultural Taxation Stand United! A league dedicated to the preservation of Farmers rights from breaking the law (that is not paying taxes) by simply not allowing agri-taxes to be put into play.

This is how my day dream went.

If we were rich, wouldn't we be using tractors?

Nice Glib talk on the state of the agricultural economy of Pakistan. Tenth Largest Output in the world, biggest source of employment blah blah, who cares. We get it. It's important, just like every other agricultural economy on the planet.

Tim Sebastian AKA Harder Talk: So Mr. Wack'em Vedera, It is FAATSU's position that this proposed farm tax is unfair, why do you feel that the farming community should continue to be exempt from paying taxes, as the government scrambles for sources of revenues? 

Wack'em Vedera: I am off the belief that our taxation system should not punish the poor. It may not seem it to you, but I am a poor man, even a 1% tax is too much of a hardship on me (he proclaims as he wipes the sweat off his forehead with his Solid Gold Rollex watch.)

%$#%$#$ I SAID GROW WEED NOT WHEAT!

I and the rest of the FAATSUs do much good for the country, we sow crops that people eat...well, we don't personally do it, but the guys that work for us do! Personally, I even collect Zakat from my employees, I am such an subservient muslim that I adjust and increase the amount every year for inflation, so by my last count I collect 68% of my workers salary and that goes straight to Charity.

Harder Talk with Classy British Cockney Accent: That's a rather tidy sum, How is that spent? Do you deposit it with the government or donate it to a foundation? Can you provide documentation to such effect?

Wack'em Vedera: No,no, those organizations are full of wasteful scoundrels, I take a trip every year with my family to perform Hajj (religious pilgrimage), and we stop by in Spain on the way, last year it was very tough, I had to sell some of my workers, their livers, kidney's and their first borns to raise funds for the Bentley I rented. RENTED. Naturally I can provide receipts for the hotels, flights, etc...the prostitutes might be tricky, those poor girls were Scottish after all, didn't understand a word of the Queens English.

Do you realize how mercilessly the Rich Zamindaars (Land Lords) mocked me when they realized I was renting as opposed to buying and then crashing it into a strip club like my family has done for generations? ooh, the shame. I was profoundly embarrassed, I shamed my village. Next year I'll have to buy two Bentley's and an F-16 just to get back on even footing. And my village will know pride again!

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Harder Talk: You don't seem to be making any sacrifices, you took an opulent trip to Spain before going for an equally luxurious religious pilgrimage. What do you say to those, who contend that you are taking advantage of the sacrifices of your people and essentially manipulating them?

They called Regan the Great Communicator: They call us the Great Provider

Wack'em Vedera: Gora Saeeen (White Sir) That is completely ludicrious, I pride myself on the sacrifices I constantly make for my people, when my daughter got married the villagers from all over the region put a bit of money together, so naturally we didn't want to offend them and we ordered Mithai...from Switzerland, and ate the entire shipment....in one sitting! We didn't share it with them or anything. It's been 6 months and I still have the taste of Swiss Chocolates out of my mouth. I don't even like sweets, I'm diabetic. but for the love of my people I gulped down every bar of brandy filled chocolate till I felt closer to God.

I don't slur, I slam down the beat yo!

Harder Talk: You mean drunk

We're Number One, We're Number One!

Wack'em Vedera: No, I mean closer to God, I couldn't even remember what happened the next morning. But I remember that through the haze I felt Almighty Allah's presence demanding that I take care of my people so I did!

Harder Talk:  What did you do?

Wack'em Vedera: Two things, firstly I gathered the closest several thousand people and had them build a sand castle city (Always wanted to be on Ripleys Believe it or Not) and secondly, in order to support the flood victims, I threw a flood relief party, it was a high class affair, the elite of elite were there. Almost 15 people showed up for a night of frivolity, Shakira performed, and I can tell you, her hips certainly don't lie.

We had Gordon Ramsay cook some Tikkas in a savory cockroach sauce, it was lovely. Inspirational even. Completely worth the very reasonable 1000 pounds a plate that it cost.

Harder Talk: How much money were you able to from this glorified party fundraiser?

Wack'em Vedera: Well, we actually ended up losing money, I never went to school, so my accounting skills were never good, I always believed that one ought to leave the Math to God. but I think it's important that we at least showed up and made our voices heard. Now all those rich people will feel shamed into doing their part, and it's all because of us! All hail FAATSUS!

Harder Talk: You must be joking.

Wack'em Vedera: I'm not, I even remember one of the guests telling the Playboy Bunny Models

Malnourished Women

how he had more than enough sugar to be all of her friends Sugar Daddy.

Harder Talk: How is that Charity?

Wack'em Vedera: Have you seen how thin those poor girls are? They probably eat once a week. They are very needy. See he's going to give them free sugar, and we all know how expensive sugar has become, though that's because of the crazy Nauruans; Have you seen how fat they all are?  Besides, I think we've all agreed that our next benefit will be dedicated to those poor girls.

Nauru: Fattest People in the World. Respekt!

Harder Talk: I think I'm going to be sick. You're all unbelievably delusional not to mention insane.

Wack'em Vedera: Don't mention it, we're all just humble servants of our people. We strive to set an example for the coming generations on how survive in the midst of poverty. Would you like a crumpet, I just had it flown in from some quaint little island called Monaco, have you heard of it?

Shit, Now what? This takes forever to grow.

 The End.

10 Ways to Lose a Pakistani Girl

How does one get rid of a Pakistani girl? You've had your fun, the relationship has run its course, and you want to break up without being the one to do the actual breaking up. Contrary to popular beliefs it's not just picking inane fights, here are some methods that I've noticed to be particularly effective.

I call it the Muhammad Asif

1. Poor Prioritizing: Prioritize ANYTHING over her. Medical Emergencies, Family, Work and Saving Accounts are not excluded.....unless of course they are hers. Pakistani women, have some sort of skewed perception that their partners world revolves around them. Considering our nation's abysmal productivity levels, that may as well be true. Make her your temporary number 2 and she'll permanently remove you from her life with the delicacy of a kabaddi match. 

2. Feelings: Not being 'sensitive' enough to her feeling. It astounds us, how anyone can have strong feelings about Sania Mirza wearing similar clothes to yours....it's a freaking Nike shirt! What is there to feel? However, if you are interested in retaining that lady's companionship services, it is both feasible and advantageous to pretend. Otherwise, just use the words 'feelings' and 'stupid' together in as many sentences as possible. 

3.  Hobby Defamation: Contend that shopping isn't a worth while pursuit and is an utter waste of any sane persons time and money. The only thing Pakistani women are more passionate about than judging other people are their own wardrobes....which they use as a yardstick to judge other women. There is also great utility in discussing the size of her wardrobe with all of the barebacked kids in Africa and why she doesn't feel guilty. 

4. Charm School: Be rude to her friends. All the time. Girls will only date men, once their friends deem them desirable. Start referring to her friends as the Team Piglet or the Tranny Nannies, You'll be replaced rather quickly once you are not show off worthy. Also show up to group outings in a poncho.... complete with a shalwar and Bata slippers and erase the word 'sorry' from your vocabulary when you speak to her....not even if her pet passes away.    

5. Peer Comparison: Compare your girlfriend to other women in your life. About how awesome a cook your mom is, about how wonderful your old ex-girlfriends are etc. and about how all the pretty girls at the office are so efficient, yet never have a hair out of place. Notice other women; If you really want to irritate her, tell all of her friends how chikni they look and how she looks 'sahee'....and look dead serious.

6. Call her all the time and ask stupid questions. The dumber the better. Like that your boss used a red pen instead of the blue pen when he wrote you a note and what means....on a deep level. She'll get annoyed read fast. Note: This doesn't work if she likes answering dumb questions too. If you really want to annoy her, as he about her favorite insect, rock, hair band etc or just about any arcane topic she, in all likely hood, knows nothing about....like cricket. 

7. Time Allocation: Not being up for a 'chitty chat' at 3 in the morning, after all what loser is in bed by then. Apparently, only the worthy are cognitively functional at a drops notice, even when sleep deprived. No man knows why you have the urge to talk to us at 3 Am. When a Pakistani girl want's to talk to you, you'd better get up and talk....and pretend to care what she's talking about. If you don't then go into a tirade about you favorite sports team, eventually she'll break up or hang up on you without your noticing. 

Generation Z Way

8. Question her Goals: Ask her what she wants to do with her life, and subsequently question whether she ought to be slightly more ambitious that wanting to get married and encouraging/pressuring her guy to get a big car, a big house for the sake of his own happiness. Apparently it's taboo to ask why a girl gives up her career after she gets married....even when the couple live with the guys family....and have a legion of servants.... Bad form it is. 

9. Emit Body odors in her presence on a regular basis. Women have a unique sensitivity to their own natural odors. Men, for the most part usually can burp, fart and shoot snot balls on command. Eat lots of oily food laced liberally with garlic and drink tonnes of fizzy drinks and you should be able have the wonderful lady in question break up with you.

10. Cheat on her: Proven to be the most effective. The closer the friend you cheat with, the higher the probability that she will break up with you. However, if she doesn't, take some respite in the fact that'll she'll do anything to keep you. You are a prize.

If all else fails. Deny Her Existence and of Any Relationship that might make your Mummy Mad.

The Mind of a Cow

Why I Wrote This:

During my senior year of college, whilst taking a quiz in a newspaper, my room mate answered a question on which animal he'd like to be the most, he answered, 'a cow, because they seem so relaxed'. At the time, I could help barreling with laughter, but having put more thought into it, I can't help but think... that bugger was right. Cows do have it good. Now many may question my sanity as they chomp into their steak sandwiches but bear with me.

Try to see things from a cows perspective.....here is what I came up with. 

Cows Have 'Hefty' Goals: Eating is fun, Eating is a sport, Must get fatter. God will reward me for being really fat...maybe he'll set me up with even more stomachs (the 4 I have are inadequate). In fact, there is no such thing as a fat cow, I'm just a big hunk of cow loving. My goal in life isn't just to be fat, it's to be the provider of the best milk and tastiest steak ever.... or to move to India and be worshiped....then again the food sucks there. 

Communication Stamina: We've been playing Chinese whisper for generations....in fact we aren't sure when it's going to end, but I'm still hopeful because I really want some of those sugar cubes those horses seem to be getting...the word is Moo....maybe they are trying to say moove?

Kinky Animal Syndrome: The fatter I get, the more likely that I'll be used to continue the genetic line...even if that mean's being knocked up by that manly mechanical bull....he goes on forever. Being limited to those organic rodeo bulls it a drag, they just keep talking about how they bucked some human off. Yeah, like that human isn't going to get his revenge by cooking him over a spit and using his head as an ashtray whilst his horns are mounted on the wall....freaking idiot. 

Body Art: Tattoos rock! We all get tramp stamps. Though it hurts getting singed with them in the first place, but whatever, it looks so freaking cute and it's so easy to forget the pain when your get high! Damn, I look hot. All the cows moo at me!!!....damn lesbo's

Education: Don't expend too much time thinking, it'll lessen the quality of your brain gravy and no one wants that. Once you learn how to eat....well, thats all the education that you'll ever need. 

Fitness Fortune: Exercise is bad, being fat is awesomely attractive, all of the Bulls say so, then again they keep getting on and trying to make us buck them off, but the thing is that we're too lazy. No we don't care that they slept with our sister, that bitch is skinny. 

Food for Thought: No such thing as over eating. In fact every meal is a competition to see who can eat the most, the winner receives a nice pat on the hind quarters (which is handy as it gets rid of the flies that the tail missed). Besides, our diet of grass, hay and genetically modified weird stuff is pretty much what human fashion models eat. 

Memory Bonus: Short term memory is an excellent asset, you can keep forgetting other cows and not miss them when they are gone. 

Path to the After life: The slaughter house is actually cow heaven, who ever goes in there takes the meat packing truck to heaven. wow...talk about first class service...you don't even have to walk to heaven.  

Sun Bathing: One of the best things about being a cow, is that you get to spend lots of time in the sun and work on your tan....and you don't have to worry about skin cancer! Take that silly humans!

Lazy is our Life: Being lazy is a good quality, infact cows are so lazy, we don't even need a television to zone out. Walking is overrated, running is just sinful. A running cow is one that's been eating too much 'weed'. To fair, getting high is fun, the wave of munchies are AWESOME.

Musically Inclined: Studies have shown that Classical music makes us cows produce more milk, which is why we take great pains to moo at each other in melody, but unfortunately we are no Bach or Beethoven. However, we kick ass at cowbell. 

Efficient Sleepers: We sleep standing up, because it's too much effort lying down, on average a cow will lay down and stand up 14 times aday, but it's usually because the eat all the food around us or there is a particulary gorgeous grade A hunk of grass laying around just waiting to be ravished....sure beats watching that machine procreate with her.  

Excellent Health: No diseases ever recorded....except for this pesky 'Mad Cow' thing...you want to see a mad cow, go to Spain, those Matador Bulls are INSANE!...yet so hot. 

Perpetual Parental Approval: We can hookup with anyone we want without having our parents judge us....speaking of which, where the hell is Mom....Dad....Aunt Bertha?

Shit is Fun, and We Do Fun Shit: We have fulfilling lives, every day we compete to see who can produce the most manure...then we tell the youngest Calf that we hid easter bunny eggs in them....damn we're mean...

Poor humans and all of their 'constipations', I bet they get jealous of all of our glorious piles of shit. Oddly enough they even collect them, maybe they burn it because they feel so inadequate...SUCKS TO BE YOU! Hoove fives everyone. 

We also like crapping, sitting on it, and trying to make the horses other lick it! Or sometimes we'll taking our smeared excretion covered booties and sit on the chickens while they are laying their eggs....haha take that you shitty chickens. 

The Big Idea:

We may all be God's creatures, but cows don't get as big raw deal as we think. Obviously we ought to treat them with respect, but considering how poorly we treat other people, is it really all that surprising the way we treat animals? Cows Rock...I love Steak.