Shopping: One Woman's Pleasure Is Another Man's Hell

SHOP PHOBIA: All Men Have It!

I hate shopping. I hate the process. Electronics are cool, but when it comes to clothes and boring appliances, men and women have very different ideologies. The truth is that Men and women shop in very different manners. For starters women actually enjoy shopping, men on the other hand, find shopping to be enjoyable as a chain saw swinging dentist appointment...with the dentist in question being blind; Simply put, men will keep rescheduling for as long as feasibly possible.

For The Gals who Rather not go through Child Birth

Men require an iron clad reason to shop, usually when their female loved ones reallocate their wardrobe to the trash bin. Women shop on an impulse, albeit of the planned 'lets spend all day at the local stores just looking around' variety or the, I need new clothes because everyone has seen my wardrobe disorder, coupled with an infection of month old, twice worn clothes. Whenever possible, men are perfectly happy to let their female loved ones shop for them.We know you enjoy it, and you know we hate it.

Dunno what it is, but whats the harm in buying it? My Wallet Feels Heavy

Men, whose mothers and wives shy away from shopping for them, are drawn to one stop shopping solutions, if there was a mythical store where they could acquire a DVD player, Bare essential Clothes and a Bun Kebab, that would culminate in the perfect shopping experience. A Lassi would be nice too. Women have the tendency to work rather differently, preferring to visit as much shops as possible to evaluate the ware almost as if they fear the shops might suddenly close down.

Oh, yes, we love carrying your bags for you.

If a man skips a store on his shopping spree, he doesn't really care. On the other hand, a woman is devastated due to the minute possibility that the store may have re-stocked some new happening wardrobe since the last time she was in the store (in all likelihood the day before).

$$$

For women, shopping is an Olympic sport that combines finesse, debating, charm and the proverbial threat....to leave the store without buying anything. Men consider shopping a sport as well, however it's more akin to the 100 yard dash. The faster you get to the finishing line the better.

The Kind of Shopping Men are Happy to do with Women

Men will do all that is possible to prolong the use of their clothes to prevent future shopping. Whether it's keeping their clothes well, or simply being ambivalent to the presence of mildew and a healthy dose of patches (we were really excited when tatty clothing was 'in'). Women on the other hand, feel the necessity to discard their clothing with regularity. No self-respecting, straight man feels the urge to replenish his wardrobe on a seasonal basis. 

The Heavier the Bag the Tighter the Noose

When men are forced to shop, they tend to select items that will match their current wardrobe, women have the proclivity to buy items that require a whole new array of other items....the cycle is endless. Much to the joy of the consumer industry.

Haggling; Despite putting together complex mergers and acquisitions deals and negotiating multi-year contracts, very few men know how to haggle properly, one can attribute this to their general lack of experience and the general comatose state of mind Men are in while being dragged from store to store by their significant others. Men will very simple look at the price quoted, if it's considered fair they'll pay it.

An approximation of what a woman looks like when you deny her shopping rights

Across generations and hordes of crying shopkeepers lying in their wake, women have developed haggling into an art form worthy of Sadequain; Mind Boggling. Any layman lucky enough to properly observe a woman indulging in her dark art, the words 'Hostage Negotiator' come to mind.

Kim Kardashian Secretly Buying a Sweater for Gorilla Bananas

In addition women are hardly strangers to manipulation, my own little sister, in her early shopping days, once swooned when a jeweler quoted her a price for an item, proclaiming her poverty, once the gentle shop keeper pointed out that the substantial wad of rupees sticking out from her purse.

What do you $%&$ Mean Credit Limit!

She immediately switched tactics and questioned the man's honor for charging so much from a such a young girl. At which point, the jeweler realized that there was no winning the argument. He reluctantly brought the price down to more acceptable levels.....My sister was 9 years old at the time.

Haha, I'm pretty enough to make you go broke

A guy is far more likely to buy the cheapest possible clothing substitute and brag to his friends how little he paid for it (After adding a 20% discount on what he actually paid). A woman on the other hand, tends to shy away from such indecency but will, to her friends and husband aka financier, typically add 20% to her buying price, not to mention add a brand label.

The Good Kind of Shopping

Making Clothes: Men don't make clothes; they tend to have an affection with all things ready made. You give a man a chunk of cloth and he'll wonder if the shop keeper mistakenly thought that his customer either asked for new sheets or was preparing to go to hajj. Women on the other hand, like nothing better to get their hands on some kapra (cloth) and go to work on it; apparently 'fashion designer' is embedded in their genetic makeup.

Women, wherever possible will shop in packs, whenever a hostile negotiation over the price of tooth picks is ongoing, their team will either participate or look judgmentally at the said shopkeeper. It's a team effort. It's also a social factor and a way for womenfolk to bond. Men, shop alone, it's not an outing, it's a solo drive-by laden with as few receipts as humanly possible.

Getting Married for the Gifts

Shopping is a part of all of our lives, but for those who shop; Proceed with caution. Women Don't Mess Around....

A Typical Woman's Christmas List

A Version of this article appeared in the Printed Edition of the Dawn

Fundamentalist Nut Job Society: Women

I had a dream, nay a vision (dreams are for black people named Martin Luther King) of the perfect Islamic fundamentalist society, one where the Taliban could live in peace with the rest of the modern world. Where morality rules supreme and society would reflect the fundamentalist mindset that these brave warriors of Satan God are fighting for.

It would be glorious, all the malls would be converted into huge mosques, Mc'Donalds would serve Mc'Mullahs Wraps made with 100% halal products, and every hour would have a prayer break, where the traffic stops, people stop whatever they are doing, get out of their cars and pray....for the next prayer break to be just as awesome. When they get back in their cars, the Islamic version of gospel would be blazing..Ghazals and Qawali's replace the immoral techno beat. Chris Brown gets blown away (not literally) by the Qawali Kings.

Women would be perpetually covered, and barely ever allowed to leave the home (and never without male supervision protection, unless it was to go to hospital...all women hospitals, of course. Because women have their own state of the art prisons shopping facilities. In fact all facilities that women may at some point have to enter will be completely segregated....except prisons.

Here are some fictitious excerpt from an interview that may mythically take place between a liberal girl and a woman who is slightly more conservative in nature. I call them;

 Mullah Madame                    Liberazzi

Mullah Madame: Very simple put, there would be no reason for prisons. By Islamic Law, there is no need for female prisons as the men serve the sentences for their wives crime
Liberazzi: Isn't that unfair?
Mullah Madame: Bitch, look at your chest, now. Whose side are you on?

Liberazzi: How do Women Get Around?
Mullah Madame: All women would have male chauffeurs. If not, they can either share, or there are all women public transportation available. In fact, all the buses function as pick and drop services to the homes as well. It's very practical, particularly after a hard day of shopping.

Liberazzi: It appears that you have a Playboy publication....but it's sales pale in comparison to Playgirl....which only has male models....why? 
Mullah Madame: Yes, it is so that the male species know what we women expect from them. They are so eager to please us since Muslim men are the most perfect, caring considerate type of man in the world.
Liberazzi: ......Realistically, wouldn't only gay men be interesting in buying these publications?

Mullah Madame: Muslim men are not gay. This is not even possible. They don't even poke each other on bookface (facebook). In fact, they are so not gay, whenever they go on religious pilgrimages and are sleeping in proximity with each other, well technically spooning, they affirm their manly hood by yelling out 'no homo', in a particularly crowded tent, you can hear that over the sounds of 'Allah Akbar' (God is Great).

Everyone would be morally sound (Islamically), even if they are not, their twitter statuses would reflect their super morality. So everyone would live happy existences, pretending to be better human beings than they actually are, knowing that if they step out of line, society will kindly correct their behavior through a thorough regiment of physical beatings, indoctrination and mental 'guidance'.

Everyone would be Educated.... in the Quran All other knowledge is blatantly unnecessary. People would live happier lives without learning or even knowing off any contrary interpretations of the text.

No one would go hungry, as the government would always provide food to the poor, but don't expect any Mc Donalds or Pepsi......soft drinks consumption might become punishable by death. Demand for Falafel would be legendary.


The one downside is that the the US would eventually bomb it.

A Few Other Idiosyncrasies

Women shaking hands with men would be an offense punishable by lashing. No explanation required. Tickets will be sold for the publicly broad casted event. 

Children would be given military training to protect the Muslim ummah. A surprising number would be sent to boarding schools....yeah, lets call them that. ...where they will learn how to tend to and kill sheep. Besides, armies are EXPENSIVE!!!

Freedom is overrated, Islam has all the freedom you could possibly want. 'A woman who is able to a live a life free from rape is freer than any woman in the west, where women are treated like pieces of meat.'....About that.

Muslim version of South Park. It would be fucking magical. Cartman can be the Mullah.

Liberazzi: Women in the media, would be completely covered, wouldn't this ruin their brand equity? I mean, who the hell is going to pay attention to the news if their isn't a gorgeous scantily clad woman presenting it?


Mullah Madame: The news channels are only be put on air for the sake of media, there is no real need for the news, the Quaran has all of the news we need. Besides, you can't change the weather or the news, so what's the point in tuning in? Ones' time could better be spent praying or taking care of their duties. Plant some crops or whatever. 

The Real Question?

Sometimes we have to think about the end game to realize how ridiculous the goals are in the first place. Realistically, the Taliban/Al Qaeda/ or any other religious violent group is doomed to fail in their goals, but if one were to imagine a society that they seem to promulgate, then that's actually far scarier and unrealistic than anything else.