Pakistani Capitalists Rock!

IT ROCKS!

Everyone has their own theory on how to improve Pakistan, the typical answers are a concoction of removing the allegedly corrupt politicos, enforcing one's preferred Islamic ideology on the masses at large and a dash of lip service to this magical reservoir of talent that the youth apparently stores deep in the depths of their facebook accounts.

What our Talent Pool Really Looks Like...

I on the other hand, (as I usually do) tend to disagree. If we rid ourselves of the politicians, what verifiable evidence do we have that the next lot would be any better? Though I can see why wishful thinking is an excellent strategy for stump speeches and drawing room warfare, but the fact of the matter is we'll never agree on Islamic ideology, far too many individuals are convinced that they hold the right formula (The Afghan Taliban came from somewhere) and lets face it, we can barely elect leaders whom we can stand for more than two years at a time before asking the army to step in, deciding on a unified religious ideology has as much chances for success as the international Beer Drinking Olympics being held in Pakistan, being jointly sponsored by the Jamaat-e-Islami and Mossad.

Patriotic Pakistanis: Always Representing

I feel that the only class of people that can save Pakistan are the entrepreneurs. Not just the good, halal, we're ashamed of our good fortune sort, but the greediest breed of capitalist vermin that evolution and a steady diet of Maggi noodles has to offer. As the wise Singaporean leader Lee Kuan Yew once remarked "it is difficult to convince a well fed man to become an extremist". Now in order for that to happen, the not well fed  likely to become a terrorist fellows, would need something resembling gainful employment and not be an avid risk for life insurance companies.

Its not that difficult to convince drunk people to do stupid things though.

Here are some ideas I concocted as I surveyed our Magical 'We believe in unlikely Miracles' Nation:

 

Desi Friend Finder: Most fights or 'phuddas' in Pakistan involve a substantive amount of posturing and grandiose threats, however, before the fight begins, there is typically end with some form of 'compro' (compromise), when some of the opposing sights recognize each other from a family they both attended whilst still in their nappies. The resulting 'compromise' typically entails an embarrassing assortment of black shirted pubescent teen boys hugging each other whilst acknowledging the brotherhood of Islam and how Mr Burger really does make the best burger.

I'm gonna hit you.....in a few....scared yet?

 
The reason this height of pathetic-ness tends to occur is because neither are particularly serious about fighting because they are scared of the sight of their own blood. The Desi Friend Finder will officiate these 'compros' by carefully interviewing the 'diaper gangsters' and find some obtuse relationships that will prevent all unwanted bloodshed. Facebook will come in handy too.

Baby Gangsters

I doubt that there is a parent on the planet that wouldn't pay the Desi Friend Finder his fees. After all, hospital bills are expensive.

Haha, All the Boys Want to Save US!

Honor Warriors: All men like playing hero whether its rescuing a damsel in distress or well...rescuing and even prettier damsel in distress. The problem is that the opportune moment rarely arises, either because Pakistan isn't as lawless as your average 'gora'/foreigner is led to believe, or cutthroat scum of the halal earth thieves are just more polite around good looking women. This however, presents a significant problem, how can a guy save a girl from the dangers of the world and validate himself without the opportunity to do so?

Honor Warriors

Hence, the Honor Warriors, who swoop down on really...really really good looking girls, steal their purse or harass them, whilst a brave knight (who will be paying rather generously for this service based on a combination of his sexual frustration, access to porn and the attractiveness of the damsel in distress), will suddenly appear (capes will be provided for an extra fee), and fight off the packs of blood thirsty pillaging ruffians with his fists of fury and a good ol' Desi CHAMAAAAT.

Who wouldn't help a naked-ish woman?

 
The Damsel, so grateful for her Savior's appearance (after all, a girl can't live without her cell phone), will fall madly in love with him and break into spontaneous dance to the tune of 'Desi Girl'. The couple then live happily ever after, and recount this Bollywood style story to their packs of Grandchildren.

Honor Warriors: Fulfilling Every Woman's Romantic Dream; Making their Friends Jealous

The Honor warriors will silently collect their fee and vanish into the night, their job done, their clients happy. Kind of like Super Heroes.

Do You Want like 7.5 Oranges?

Solo Store: Ever notice how the beggars at traffic lights always sell the most useless gear, one wonders how many table cloths, Christmas Hats, Combs and Balloon Animals the average Pakistani really needs. One needs to sort them out and fill their hands with things like chewing gum, chips, candy, drinks, cell phone credit and cigarettes; things that people actually want and are willing to buy. They'd make alot more money and I wouldn't be stuck with owning so many combs and Christmas hats.

If you want to make a living, sell stuff that you won't have to take home every night!

Financing this wouldn't be all that expensive. Besides, wouldn't a company rather put someone to work and generate them some extra revenue as opposed to giving hand out after hand out? 'Charitable' donations are tax exempt......Yay Capitalism!

Paid to Read Qurans....SWEET!...Dental Plan?

GotPrayer.com: Ever wish that someone was praying for you? Whether it's for an exam or a loved one (or even in the hopes that an object of your desire returns your affections), everyone wants something, and whats the harm in paying a few lads to read several hundred Qurans or recite multiple complex duas on one's behalf. Think of it as a good way for Madrassahs to be more of a profitable venture. Capitalism and Religion.....Who can say no to that? Call now: 1-800-Prayer for your spiritual, emotional and academic needs....

I bequeath you my Beard!

Professional Beard Growers: There are people who spend alot of time trying to prove how religious they are by the length of their beard, unfortunately, all are not born equal, therefore the Professional Beard Growers League to the rescue, where groups of men will commit to providing their natural talent of sprout copious amounts of face fuzz and sell them for a clean halal profit. Prices will depend on thickness, color and piety.

Get Fit.....Chase Her

Personnel 'Fit Hai' Trainers: Most Pakistani's live a fairly sedimentary lifestyle, one's social life revolves around going to dinners and eating anything that can be easy deep fried in month old cooking oil.....fortunately month old cooking oil makes everything from a Mars Bar to anything resembling a vegetable rather tasty.

"Hey, wanna work out?"

To amp up the lifestyles of the Pear Shaped, a service of personnel 'Fit Hai' trainers will stalk and emotionally molest their clients into living a healthier lifestyle, whether its going to the gym, eating that salad for lunch or saying no to that 30th cup of hot sugar water laced with a sprinkling of Tea leaves

She's thinking "Don't Fart, Don't Fart!"
He's Thinking "Hope She doesn't Fart!"

They'll motivate and emotionally batter their clients by comparing their clients deluxe lunchbox to how the food would feed their entire village....for a week. The Personal 'Fit Hai' Trainers will get you in shape, if not through exercise that well thought out malnourishment.

Hope they made sure they got the right chick!

Wedding Attenders: The sheer volumes of weddings during any given season is mind boggling. Particularly strange considering how rarely anyone knows the Bride and Groom in question. Its usually some distant relatives that one hasn't seen in decades. However, decorum dictates that some for of attendance is mandatory. Enter in the 'Wedding Attenders', a service that will enhance all wedding invitation loaded socialites lives in question.  Very simply put, the Wedding Attenders will act as their clients representative at the wedding, and for additional fees, would even impersonate their clients.

Wedding Attenders: Who the hell is going to remember who anyone is anyway?

The service will be rather cost effective, with the food provided at the wedding being worked into the fees (why let all that good food go to waste?).  In addition, start up costs for this enterprise would be minimal, a few good suits and garishly decorated Kurtas. In fact, both the men and women divisions of the 'Wedding Attenders' can share and recycle the Kurtas.

"I don't know who you are, but I'll still hug you" Wedding Syndrome

Chastity Belts: What law abiding proud parent wouldn't want to get a chastity belt for their daughter.....or son for that matter. have you seen kids nowadays? It'll come with a GPS tracking service for women (and men) of every size. Luxury models will be available in Gold, with a cushion finish....for comfort.... and to show off.

Its Classy Tight, but not Air Tight.

Entrepreneurs create business to service needs that aren't currently met by the local market. These in turn create meaningful employment and hence taxable revenue (which one can do their damnedest to avoid paying) In a country that has so much but gives so little, maybe it's time to give the business class the opportunity to develop Pakistan. It may be the only practical way for our country to stand on our own two feet, as oppose to crawling through the minefield we're currently nestled in.

A version of this piece was originally published on Dawn.com

Shopping: One Woman's Pleasure Is Another Man's Hell

SHOP PHOBIA: All Men Have It!

I hate shopping. I hate the process. Electronics are cool, but when it comes to clothes and boring appliances, men and women have very different ideologies. The truth is that Men and women shop in very different manners. For starters women actually enjoy shopping, men on the other hand, find shopping to be enjoyable as a chain saw swinging dentist appointment...with the dentist in question being blind; Simply put, men will keep rescheduling for as long as feasibly possible.

For The Gals who Rather not go through Child Birth

Men require an iron clad reason to shop, usually when their female loved ones reallocate their wardrobe to the trash bin. Women shop on an impulse, albeit of the planned 'lets spend all day at the local stores just looking around' variety or the, I need new clothes because everyone has seen my wardrobe disorder, coupled with an infection of month old, twice worn clothes. Whenever possible, men are perfectly happy to let their female loved ones shop for them.We know you enjoy it, and you know we hate it.

Dunno what it is, but whats the harm in buying it? My Wallet Feels Heavy

Men, whose mothers and wives shy away from shopping for them, are drawn to one stop shopping solutions, if there was a mythical store where they could acquire a DVD player, Bare essential Clothes and a Bun Kebab, that would culminate in the perfect shopping experience. A Lassi would be nice too. Women have the tendency to work rather differently, preferring to visit as much shops as possible to evaluate the ware almost as if they fear the shops might suddenly close down.

Oh, yes, we love carrying your bags for you.

If a man skips a store on his shopping spree, he doesn't really care. On the other hand, a woman is devastated due to the minute possibility that the store may have re-stocked some new happening wardrobe since the last time she was in the store (in all likelihood the day before).

$$$

For women, shopping is an Olympic sport that combines finesse, debating, charm and the proverbial threat....to leave the store without buying anything. Men consider shopping a sport as well, however it's more akin to the 100 yard dash. The faster you get to the finishing line the better.

The Kind of Shopping Men are Happy to do with Women

Men will do all that is possible to prolong the use of their clothes to prevent future shopping. Whether it's keeping their clothes well, or simply being ambivalent to the presence of mildew and a healthy dose of patches (we were really excited when tatty clothing was 'in'). Women on the other hand, feel the necessity to discard their clothing with regularity. No self-respecting, straight man feels the urge to replenish his wardrobe on a seasonal basis. 

The Heavier the Bag the Tighter the Noose

When men are forced to shop, they tend to select items that will match their current wardrobe, women have the proclivity to buy items that require a whole new array of other items....the cycle is endless. Much to the joy of the consumer industry.

Haggling; Despite putting together complex mergers and acquisitions deals and negotiating multi-year contracts, very few men know how to haggle properly, one can attribute this to their general lack of experience and the general comatose state of mind Men are in while being dragged from store to store by their significant others. Men will very simple look at the price quoted, if it's considered fair they'll pay it.

An approximation of what a woman looks like when you deny her shopping rights

Across generations and hordes of crying shopkeepers lying in their wake, women have developed haggling into an art form worthy of Sadequain; Mind Boggling. Any layman lucky enough to properly observe a woman indulging in her dark art, the words 'Hostage Negotiator' come to mind.

Kim Kardashian Secretly Buying a Sweater for Gorilla Bananas

In addition women are hardly strangers to manipulation, my own little sister, in her early shopping days, once swooned when a jeweler quoted her a price for an item, proclaiming her poverty, once the gentle shop keeper pointed out that the substantial wad of rupees sticking out from her purse.

What do you $%&$ Mean Credit Limit!

She immediately switched tactics and questioned the man's honor for charging so much from a such a young girl. At which point, the jeweler realized that there was no winning the argument. He reluctantly brought the price down to more acceptable levels.....My sister was 9 years old at the time.

Haha, I'm pretty enough to make you go broke

A guy is far more likely to buy the cheapest possible clothing substitute and brag to his friends how little he paid for it (After adding a 20% discount on what he actually paid). A woman on the other hand, tends to shy away from such indecency but will, to her friends and husband aka financier, typically add 20% to her buying price, not to mention add a brand label.

The Good Kind of Shopping

Making Clothes: Men don't make clothes; they tend to have an affection with all things ready made. You give a man a chunk of cloth and he'll wonder if the shop keeper mistakenly thought that his customer either asked for new sheets or was preparing to go to hajj. Women on the other hand, like nothing better to get their hands on some kapra (cloth) and go to work on it; apparently 'fashion designer' is embedded in their genetic makeup.

Women, wherever possible will shop in packs, whenever a hostile negotiation over the price of tooth picks is ongoing, their team will either participate or look judgmentally at the said shopkeeper. It's a team effort. It's also a social factor and a way for womenfolk to bond. Men, shop alone, it's not an outing, it's a solo drive-by laden with as few receipts as humanly possible.

Getting Married for the Gifts

Shopping is a part of all of our lives, but for those who shop; Proceed with caution. Women Don't Mess Around....

A Typical Woman's Christmas List

A Version of this article appeared in the Printed Edition of the Dawn

Dear United States Senators

Dearest Senators, Kerry, Lugar and Berman,

Thank you so much for your interest in the great nation of Pakistan. We are indeed the greatest nation in the world….well, not greatest quite yet, but we’re getting there. Did You Know that we are ONLY the 10^th most failed state in the world. We trample the likes of Somalia, Zimbabwe in terms of honesty, endeavor and progress.

Know that your USD $7.5bn package will be well allocated to the neediest segments of Pakistan…well, after the military and government bureaucracy takes it’s cut, we promise to allocate the several hundred dollars left to uplift the lives of millions of Pakistani….pinky swear. 

In the spirit of our infinite partnership and a celebration of the billions of dollars you’ve chucked down our tube wells and into military hardware (thanks for the F-16’s), we desire an extension to our historic partnership. After all, we’re like BFF (Best Friends Forever)

We’ve even come up with a particularly feasible set of terms which would prove advantageous to all concerned….in the long run….hopefully. We naturally would like money, dollars preferably, but since your slightly less great, Muslim hating, Nuke toting nation can simply print more without answering to the IMF, we feel that we are getting you an absolutely fabulous deal in the process.   

On a strategic level you can continue bullying Iran, seal off a few trade routes, flatten Afghanistan to extract that lovely lump of lithium y’all discovered, peeve off China AND best of all, threaten India with greater effectiveness than we ever could (the last would supremely please the Pakistani people, we assure you). Never again will anyone call India a rising superpower. They can be your Cuba….along with Iran, Afghanistan and China. See how generous we are being? You are so lucky to have us!

Our demands…ahem…requests are quite simply that you triple our ‘Aid’ package, deposit an equal chunk in our Swiss bank accounts (we suggest you get a few too…we’ll teach you how), give us US Green cards and in return we’ll give you Pakistan. All of it. Our nuclear launch codes, Mineral deposits, Lassi’s and even our souls….the 180 million people worth of body parts (we got’em all, kidneys, hearts, livers etc) are a bargain in itself. What Joy!

We look forward to announcing you as the Pakistani Tri-Partite to the General populace. Imagine how wonderful it would be never to lose an election again! We assure you, this is truly the will of the people…we should know, we are the democratically elected parliament dummy!

Respectfully Yours (For a Price, See above terms)

XOXOXO

Democratically Elected Pakistani Parliament

PS: Please ignore this crazy woman. She is an atrocious liar, we deny having the ability to read which makes being paperless quite efficient.

PSS: Don’t get the Military mad…seriously….they have guns….your guns in fact. They use the constitution to wipe their behinds.

Superman: The Desi Edition

I have will always love Superman; fighting for peace, justice and the American Pakistani way. I think he embodies alot of what we wish for in todays corruption ridden world. An individual who is unflappably decent (severe lack of gray moral areas), courageous (well not really, next to nothing can hurt him) and freaking unstoppably awesome.

I tried to imagine what a realistic Desi Superman would be like... What qualities would he embody? What would he look like? What would he spend his time doing (let's face it, in todays world he's more likely to be Lex Luthor than Mother Theresa).  

For starters, physically he would be fat. I'm sorry, but if you have the ability to fly/float, your not going to spend a lot of time running, working out or even walking for that matter. Cardio burns fat! Natural floating buoyancy doesn't.

He would not want to be called Super Man...he would want to be called Super Saahib. The man is a Pakistani dammit!

Since, Super Saahib would have a pot belly rivaling the entire consolidated Sharif clan, there is no way he would prance around in physique hugging tights, hell no; the man would dress for comfort and rock out in a shalwar kameez, good golly they are darn comfortable....plus he'd look sick with a cape.

Do you honestly think the most powerful being (next to God ofcourse...unless you think he is God) would roam around in tights and wearing tighty whity underwear on the outside? Let's get real. He doesn't need to prove anything or impress anyone! He's freaking superman. Besides, his Desi Mum would cry a river if he dressed like he was the spokesperson for the Gay Pride Parade.

Now, I doubt that Mr. Super 'My clothes are indestructible' Saahib would be rocking anything other than a plain white Shalwar Kameez, but in this day and age he'd have at least a few sponsors...Mc'Donalds, Coke & Chernobyl Resorts (A special resort only Super Saahib can go to...to be completely by himself, minus a few cockroaches, and contemplate how amazingly gifted he is).

His favorite past times would include chilling on his farm on a lazy boy chair (multiple cup-holders), drinking sweet lassi and watching his crops grow while the latest damsel in distress he just saved feeds him peeled grapes and other fruits. Luckily his job doesn't require a lot of strenuous labor...  (oh and he'd write a screen play for his autobiographical movie)

Super Saahib wouldn't disguise himself and be a lame non-descriptive news reporter; he'd be Super Saahib all the time and occasionally work as a 'consultant'; charging fees that would even make Pakistani Politicians look reasonable. What up to super powers. Super Saahib can build a mega dam in ten minutes.  

Because of his ability to perform miracles with his super human strength and special powers, more than a few may even consider him a deity. He'd be worshiped the world over. Vapid Hindu's would turn him into a variation of an Idol, Fundamentalist Muslims would call him the next savior, Buddhist would simplly make buddha statues just like him....minus the pot belly.

I imagine that he would be muslim so he could have 4 wives...then again, he wouldn't bother having to justify having as many 'wives' as he wants, a wife/girlfriend in every zip code....so what if it breaks a few hearts and laws, what are they going to do? He's freaking Super Saahib!

He would have a hot iranian professor chick girl friend (the degree would be online, via University of Phoenix) but he would love her for her....Lois Lane is too much of a feminist for him.

In order to placate his mistresses, I mean wives, he'd be guilted into certain causes...like world peace (it's the only one all Miss Worlds can agree upon). The things the man could do in order to get laid would be endless.

Mad rich. seriously insanely rich. As in 'buy Europe, piss on it as it burns to the ground and still have enough money to do it all over again' rich. 

He'd also be a very practical fellow, and buy all of the world's Kryptonite and launch the poison straight into the sun. Burn it out of existence faster than a version of the Pakistani constitution.  

He'd even rid the world of all of it's nuclear material. for no other reason that the banging sound that they may eventually make hurt his uber sensitive ears.  

Super Saahib would live in super neutral Switzerland, because he'll love chocolate and the cute clocks that they make (awesome), the proximity to banks would make protecting his wealth very sensible, the additional protection money he'll recived from Swiss bank would also augment his income....plus he'd have a place for his art collection.

He'd get super manicures and have his hair done at Tony & Guy, he loves the way the make him look so pretty. They'll even massage his vedera mustache. 

He'd be really charitable, he'd donate (by donate I really mean sell) all of his toe nail clipping for cancer research. Super Saahib's tears are fabled to bring the dead to life, however, he only cries when Pakistan loses a cricket match or a particularly emotive Indian drama is on.

We are a country that yearns for Super Men. Because they contain the best in us, and none of our egregious faults. They may have some flaws, but their ability to overcome them is what makes them super heroes in our hearts, minds and our history. We are on a perpetual quest for our own Super Saahib, albeit one who is more Superman than Super Saahib.

A version of this piece appeared on Blog.dawn.com

A Pet Kraken: Best. Idea. Ever.

I was never allowed to get a pet when I was kid, the last time I recall asking for a pet, I got a younger sister. I did eventually get a turtle but alas, I was allergic. FML Indeed.

I was thinking, what would be my ideal pet and if there were no limitations (like practicality and existence), I'd go with a pet Kraken , even though a pet Raptor  (they have such cute hands...perfect for the Wii Controller), a regal Basilisk  or maybe even a nifty Cyclops  were all close contenders. Now back to my Pet Kraken, I'd call him Krako for short.

"The Giant Kraken is a very rare, very unseen sea-creature ít 8 gigantic tentacles. The only way they have been found is dead, washed up upon the banks of the seas. These massive creatures are one of the most dangerous, largest, and still unknown about creatures within Caelereth. With their strength they can even tear whole ships apart." (Damn Straight).

Many would question my sanity and ask, why a Pet Kraken? Wouldn't a talking Dog suffice, and I say no. Krakens are bloody useful, particularly in Karachi.

Firstly, I live 5-10 minutes from the ocean, so feeding and lodging would hardly be a concern. Screw the fisherman that fish those waters, they'd be Krako's personal dessert. Krako would also have to develop a very strong stomach to deal with the toxic water, but hey, he loves me, so it's all good. What is love compared to a little indigestion. Husbands all over the world have been accepting their wifes cooking no matter how badly it effects their digestion system. Krako would be a peach about it. Now that's Pet Love.

It'll perform some really rad tricks. None of this roll over crap, Krako will be well versed in the art of Juggling (boats), Torture (Taliban) and even water gymnastics (he can do an awesome Swan Impression). He'll even do a mean Al Pacino impression.

It'll totally impress chicks. Like completely. How hot would I become if I could have my pet Kraken snare us a couple of Lobsters and Sea Bass for a romantic dinner on the beach. Or I could play tough man and pretend it fight him....

Safety: I don't foresee any mob/political party/peeved on fund Investor being able to take on little Krako. Unless they really want to be cataloged as 'dinner'.

He'll live For-Ever. How cool would it be to have a pet which you can perpetually hand down to your kids? You know that they'll be taken care off...what more do you want as a responsible caring adult?...other than a vault of Gold of course (dollar depreciation is a bitch).

We'd also do some really fun charity things like protecting aid bearing flotillas. Eat that Israeli government. Just try to interfere and Krako'll eat you....even if it gives him indigestions, have I mentioned how damn loyal he'll be?

I would also be able to scream 'Release the Kraken' without sounding like an idiot. And how big a hero would I be if I savedf cities around the world from destructive Tsunami's and Phet like hurricanes. For cheap publicity I'd even down a few Indian Battle Cruisers....just kidding. I'd be a hero....and so would Krako. Babes, Book Deals and Toy Royalties Galore.

What do we seek from pets? Loyalty, fun, companionship, someone whose always glad to see us when we get home. Pets are great and the best pets love unconditionally. Odds are they'll be your longest relationship...well atleast in some countries. Everyone should have their own version of Krako.

What is your Ideal Pet?