Pakistani Dating Etiquette: Desi Dating Pitfall Navigation

Because Happily Ever After Requires Some Trial & Error.

Dating in Pakistan is a complex game, full of intelligence, politics, lineage evaluation, secretive sub-plots, counter intelligence and a healthy dose of 'if my Daugther isn't back by Isha, God will rain Drone bombs down your backside', 

Pakistani Patriarchs Have the Arsenal to Prove It.

........with the added caveat that if God did rain hell fire, that the lady in question would be somehow not be incinerated..... but one can assume that Daddy believes that the drones are supernaturally accurate and doesn't expect the distance between the two to enroach ten solid halal shrapnel reaching feet.

See, He Likes Me! Look How Much Credit He Loaded on My Phone!

Phone Privileges: You are mandated by all desi dating laws to give your date loads of credit upon request; nothing says I'm not superficial or a gold digger than daily requests for more credit. The cellular industry is certainly a boon in this matter. Yay to cheap packages and multiple sims, It's certainly fun (and yet increasingly economical) to be young. On the bright side, a lad knows he's parlayed himself into a serious relationship when his lady tormentor asks for a new phone on which she will only talk to you.....it's certainly pesky sharing her phone with other guys. score.

Cheap Phone Calls just got Cheaper.

Tip: As soon as she calls, put the phone on loudspeader and occasionally say the words 'uhuh', 'wow', 'that's crazy' ever so often. 

Dude out on a Date with his Girlfriend, Her Bhaabi, Her Mother Etc

Getting used to chaperons. Many are under the ludicrous notion, that when they go on a date with  a Pakistani girl,  that it'll just be the two of them. Such hilarious concept could crack the scowl off a grinch. Girls typically shy away from solo dates, you'll often be enriched with ladies bringing their trusted sister, gaggle of shopping buddies and the occasional 'acha he's like my brother' dude who has secretly been pining for the lady in question and has a long term strategy that entails waiting for someone to break her heart so he can gallantly step in and play hero.  

Guess which Poor Schmuck is Sponsoring this 'Date'

Tip: Don't worry, eventually, in between picking and dropping the lady in question, you may be able to squeeze in a few intimate moments while she scans the neighboring cars for people who might have recognized her. If it makes you feel any better, it's not that she's ashamed of you, she's just petrified she might be seen with you.

TELL ME I"M PRETTY!!!!!!!

Emotional nutcase: Women are emotionally imbalanced even in the best of circumstances, whilst men suffer from senstivity deficiencies (which we are rather proud off), a Pakistani girl by agreeing to go on a date with you, has essentially made you a sign a contract enumerating the ways she can drive you crazy with her mood swings, peculiarities, insecurities and general lack of sanity.

Everyone Thinks I look like a Model! What Do You Think?

Tips: Find a doctor willing to medicate you.

Only a Woman With Too Much Money Would Buy These Clothes

Shopping adventures. One woman's heaven is another man's hell. Particularly as the shop keeper decides to set prices according to the level of bulge in the lucky male escort's....pocket, you know, the one with his wallet.

If You Don't Buy It For Me, I'll CRY!!!!!!

Tips: Pretend to get ill and suffer through the experience. Pray repeatedly to the deity of choice for as low impact on your financial position as humanly possible. Avoid expensive places.  

We Talk All The Time, Mostly About How Great She Is

Conversation: Developing a strong verbal communication is extraordinarily important....to the woman. For a guy, his duty is to act as Chief Listening Officer. If a boy is lucky enough to get a word in edgewise, it is always a good ploy to pay as many sincere (and insincere) compliments as possible without sounding flamboyantly gay and secondly . Etiquette dictates that it is always polite to let the lady in question speak, (preferably till she chokes from lack of breath). In the probable advent the blabbering puts you in a coma, it is useful skill to nod off to sleep whilst keeping your eyes open. Dark Shades indoors also prove to be effective.

A Girl's Best Friends: Also Known As Her Best Enemies

Tip: If you'd like to test whether or not she actually likes you, lean back. If she leans forward to reduce the gap, that would indicate that she likes you....that said, maybe she's thoughtful and doesn't want you to miss a single tantalizing word. If she decides to increase her decibel level, you can safely assume that you are being used.

YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER YOU &%$%#%!!!

The Parents: No Pakistani man would like anything better than to avoid meeting his dates parents. Even the 'liberal' variety would like nothing better to relieve the gentlemen callers head from the shoulders via a blunt spoon. However, if a man is placed in such hardship, he is advised to always be polite, act scared (which isn't likely to be difficult) and project ample amounts of 'I'm Still in the Closet'.

Female Terminator Style Body Guards

Tip: Avoid at all costs, but look very serious as the array of threats are being delivered. It doesn't hurt to scope the area for any items that may be classified as weapons. Yardstick: If Jason Bourne can kill you with it, then step away from it. Forget your fancy gelled up hair do, the leather pants, and super tight sequined shirt, wear the most boring respectable clothes you own. If you can pull off a tie with it, all the better. Mimic the mannerism of your date's father, it'll make him feel comfortable that you have so much in common.

If a Boy Walks into my House, I'll Kill Him.

The Outing: Odd's are that you'll be taking your date to a Dinner. It's practical, you get to talk (in the man's case listen) and you can reasonable assured that if you give the restauarant a french enough sounding name, your date (and her entourage) will dress up like they are appearing on the nearest catwalk. As you'll likely be catering a rather larger group than you expected, it's preferable to bring along your old posse Monsieurs 'Visa' and Master Card'. Trust me, their help will be needed.

Why You'll Need Friends Like Visa & Mastercard

Tip: Develop mysterious allergies during the appetizer phase of the meal, and relocate to a more economical option. You'll save on your dinning expenses and gain a sympathy vote from your lady friend.

You Look So Beautiful, I Wouldn't Want to Ruin that by Giving you  a Steak....

Dating in Pakistan is a minefield, however if you are one brave enough to navigate it, it's always best to be prepared and bring a minesweeper along.

Or Just Kill Yourself Right Now.....

How to Treat a Lady... (Part I)

I was recently solicited for advice on how to treat a lady, I obviously pleaded my ignorance in all things women, but despite my repeated admonishments that I have no experience in how to treat a real lady, I still couldn't help let the idea swirl in my head and languish in my ignorance.

I had originally intended to commence with my usual adolescent fraternity dribble about how it's typically better to say a joke, act cold(assholesque), and bluntly tell people what to do etc. but end of the day, it's complete BS guys all told to make ourselves feel better; For the real catch, you need the real deal.

I even quoted my favourite skirt chaser's take on life and marriage, "Guys want some dumb hottie to run around with and will only settle down when the sure thing is good enough versus rolling the dice at a bar."

Guys (Alpha Males in particular) want a girl slightly to waaaaay dumber than they are, so the guy can make the call about where to eat and when to hit the sack. Guys want a companion, not a warden. Men love it when a girl is literally in awe of their views and capabilities. If you haven't tried dating someone dumber than you, try it. If there are no girls dumber than you, then you deserve to end your genetic line, if for nothing else, than the betterment of man kind.

Who wants a chick to nag them when you could get an academically challenged bombshell, but unfortunately (for him) he wasn't looking for the usual Alpha Za BS I tend to spew.

Apparently, my former protege and now present day schmuck had met, The One. I was rather disappointed in him, God took him away from us far too soon (R.I.P). After saying a small prayer for his lost soul, I have subsequently succumbed and am providing him with advice that goes against my better judgement.

I'd like to preface this by saying that he isn't looking to merely score, he legitimately feels that this is Mrs. I'm ready to Retire my Play Boy Subscription and am a Cluster fucking Idiot.

There is a huge difference in trying to build a relationship with the girl of your dreams as opposed to one night standing it.

1. You Hit the Mother of all Jack Pots: Regardless of any Man Law ratings services, your date is the most beautiful desirable girl on the face of the cluster fucking planet. Period.

Do not pay any attention to the swarms of drop dead gorgeous girls around, trust me, she has already noticed them and feels self concious. If you want to make any degree of inroads with (or on) her, pretend they don't exist. If you want to gawk at hot girls, then go to a strip club or to a girls volleyball match.

Pay legitimate compliments, hopefully because you mean them, but mainly because women are generally insecure. By telling her that she looks good will give her confidence and make her more responsive to you. But this has to be done properly, gentlemanly in fact. No Stupid Shit.

Do not compliment her on her figure beyond the general 'you are looking great'. To be clear, telling a girl she has a nice rack is stupid and a sure shot way to have water thrown on your face. If on the off chance she likes it, then re-evaluate, she might be good for a little fun, but you have ask yourself if you really want to play with the toy that's been tossed around the entire play ground, can you imagine how many other guys germs are all over it? But if your really committed, go all out.

2. Specific Meal Payment Etiquette; These are time honored and true. I refuse to believe that girls are offended by these no matter what their degree of feminism is (if they are feminist, run for the hills....or at least Capitol Hill, DC intern staffers are cute and lonely....but I digress).

Do not let her pay for any portion of the meal. You pay for her meal, not because it's a power play and you tell yourself that she'll be paying for it later, because you have the profound privilege of her company. An alternative rule that I have heard is that the person who issues the invite is the one responsible for paying, but that's a cop out for any self respecting employed guy. Men woo Women. Period.

When the bill arrives, if she does more than the token protest and offer to pay (this will usually happen), then simply reply how it's the best investment you ever made. If she continues to haggle you (I still recommend running to the hill), then reply (with as much fake sincerity as you can muster) that she can get the next one (tab).

This does two things, firstly she'll think your serious about seeing her again (even if you don't want to) and secondly she'll find it really clever and flattering. You can also keep repeating this line for future dates in perpetuity.

Now these responses will work for 99% of all dates, nut if she really is a complete nut job on her period (did I mention how you should be running for the hill?) and is extremely insistent. Then offer to continue the date and let her get coffee or desserts from somewhere else. (So you get to spend more time with The One).

However, I do remember a story from my resident skirt chaser in chief where he used the above tactics and nothing worked. Fortunately for the story, he's a rather obstinate fellow and felt that he had to win the argument (no man legitimately dating a truly rad girl will win every (or any) argument, nor does he really want to), so he leaned over her and smirkingly said 'why don't you take care of me later and we'll call it even', after which he was expecting her to stomp off as mad as a hornet, however, she cooly replied, 'Well, I'm not going to, so why don't you save the money and get yourself a nice tart off the street'. This girl deserves honorary bro membership. Respekt.

3. Eyes on the Prize: This is actually very simple. Do not look at her chest. Laws of common dating etiquette dictate that Women don't mind the odd admiring class or if you are checking them out on their way in or out of a place (I think its so that can you can watch out for the pretty face with the lobster body (all the meat is in the back)). Women like the respectful appreciation as long as you can put your tongue back in your mouth within a reasonable period of time. But they take severe issue with you if you have a fixation with their chest area and to be frank, I can't blame them.

A friend of mine (Fred), while out to dinner was informed by his date that she didn't like that he stared at her breasts all the time, and that it made her feel like a piece of meat. He helpfully responded, "Yeah but like a premium genetically superior steak". Needless to say Fred is a Grade A cluster fucking idiot, but he serves as a useful lesson. Eyes Up!

If your eyes need to wander somewhere, make sure it's right into her eyes. Girls tend to find it flattering. But the key is not to look too intensely, then it's just creepy.

4. Promote the Color Red; Red roses, red wine, red steak, red bull all the best things in life are red. Even Vampires agree, blue blood just isn't as good as red. The color red should be very important to you, a red tie for example exudes power (duh...obviously you're suited up).

Always tell a girl that she looks amazing in red, because frankly it's a (scientifically proven) sensual color; It gives girls more confidence to be daring and fun. And odds are you'll get lucky..ier than you usually would.

5. This is Your Party, Make it Count; Your main duty for the duration of the date isn't gathering her medical history, how many kids she wants, what her job entails (PS: terms like works in fashion typically means low level employee in a retail outlet) or canvassing her political views (no good can ever come of this, remember, your trying to seduce her, not debate health reform). Your role is to make sure she is having a good time and not screw things up.

Since most dates will be over coffee or a meal, you will have plently of talking time, so make sure you have some funny anecdotes to tell, or just make some up if your really not that interesting.

If you want to know if a girl finds you riveting (and worthy of a second date/kiss), then lower your voice a few decibels and see if she leans forward. If she does, then keep doing what you're doing (even if all it is, is making fart jokes...ohk maybe not), if not, then that means she hardly cares, change your line of attack.

All you need to do is find out what she is interested in, and ask her about that and somehow relate that to something you do. Girls look for signs that you are compatible and that you've made an effort for her.

"Aw, did you dress up just to impress me?" The reason why a guy should dress up for a lucky lass isn't so that she can be wowed by your latest array of threads, it should be because he feels that she is so beautiful, that she deserves to be out with a well dressed man (though if she's impressed, why the hell not?).

If you can't pull off a sincere sounding response with a straight face, then practice in front of the god damn mirror. (this is actually redundant as she knows you dressed up for her, she's teasing, you stupid cluster fuck).

Thou shalt open the door, car door (preferably your bedroom door). It's a quaint old tradition, but girls like this part of the wooing process. I have little clue why, but I am assuming Hugh Grant did something that made it seem chivalrous. Besides, nothing says I like you, than opening the door for a girl so you can check her out.

To be continued...

Marriages; Arranged or Love....Are they Really That Different?

"All the Worlds a Stage and all the Men and Women are merely Players"
-William Shakespeare

I was recently asked to write an article on the virtues of Arranged Marriage Vs. Love Marriages. This is what I came up.

1. Arranged Marriages: Long gone are the days where the family merely informed you of your own wedding via shaadi card, with strict instruction on what to wear and what time to be there. No one gets married anymore to satisfy their family, unless you are gay, and then you don't really care who you marry as long as you get to keep your extra large closet to yourself.

However, some key elements still remain. Your family does the match making, you have a partial decision (though usually if either party respectfully declines, its all good unless the parents are bosom buddies and in that case your completely screwed, 'how dare he not want to marry my perfect daughter/son, does he think he's too good for us"). At this point it may not be a good time to note that their 'perfect daughter' is about as intelligent as a tub of face cream (Think Brain Mush), as sweet tempered as Attila the Hun (refer to your history books) and has as much in common with you as Tom Green (see 'Freddy got Fingered' for Details). Rejection from either side hurt, so you try to humor parents by sitting through pointless dinners till you can find a reason for reject the match (In terms of being matched with a brown girl, saying that you heard she is crazy, ought to do it, but don't be specific, leaving it vague allows for imaginations to run wild; particularly as your actually right, and all brown women are born a little off their rockers.)

2. Love Marriages: Its your own choice...but how independent is it? Your lifestyle circumstances, friends, work place, college choice do the match making (fate), the decision is mostly up to you (very rarely do I see marriages where the parents disapprove of a choice (religious grounds excluded)) but that said, it depends on how the relationship dynamic works. There is exceedingly popular the 'I just want to be friends, even though you don't angle' (both persons are usually aware of this, if not then respective IQ levels ought to be examined), though the "hey we're dating" piece becomes more prevalent, as our cultural values shift. But the main relationship development is stress free as the couple develop an understanding based on their mutual desire for a shared future (for men, the tenure of that future is likely to be shorter). But once they are "ready to go public"/tell the parents, good luck and if your a guy, you had better pray that the girl meets all/most of the family requirements (in Pakistan, parents are more particular on who their sons marry as the daughters usually move in). As long as they fit most of the basic requirements, parents are usually willing to go along with it all (though expect vicious back ground checks).

Perhaps parents have realized that its their kids lives, and they should be allowed to make their own choices (highly unlikely). I personally think it has something to do with wanting grand kids and lacking good reasons for rejection (saying she's not perfect enough doesn't work anymore). Though God help you if you decide to break it off....Seriously. That news spreads like wild fire and you know your officially cut off from main stream society when Aunties forget who you are, and when they eventually remember they start their "tsk tsks" and start jabbering in excited voices about why the marriage was called off (the contents of which are unintelligible jabber...secret code language for the Auntie Fellowship). Pariah's Anonymous meeting invitations will ensue.

3. Arranged Love Marriage: This devious form of marriage set up stems from family and extended relatives quietly acting from behind the scenes and setting up casual encounters for a potential couple to meet; Ever wonder why you keep running into girls with their mothers at Coffee Shops, now you know why (Aunties don't even bloody drink Coffee you fools, In Pakistan they fuel up on Tea!). The result of these casual encounters may be to ascertain the level of attraction, but more likely they figure that the more time they spend together, the more likely they are to shack up (life sentence pre-requisite).

It could entail dancing at 6 different mehndi and mysteriously being partnered up with the same partner for all 36 dances....coincidence? (Only a guy might think so or derive some logical explanation that would sound like 'we dance well together', 'she thinks I'm hot', 'She's creeped out by the other guys', 'I promised my Mom I'd look after her'). It's probably the kind that makes the most sense, until you figure out that your a pawn. But at least it seemed spontaneous and bloody good luck that you met such a fine compatible partner (your probably evaluating the odds of how rarely that happens).

After taking time out for contemplation/my nap was over, I came to several streams of thought. Why would anyone put themselves through being set up by their family, friends, etc? Its the same reason people are drawn to Internet dating. No one wants to be alone, we all have a human desire to be loved and cherished. Now in Pakistani society, the best way to navigate the behemoth of cultural carcass and expectations, is by being willing to be a functionary of the system. Let others provide 'suggestions' on whats best with you (the force of the suggestion can be directly correlated to the size and weight of the bag the Auntie is carrying).

In order to find a suitable partner, one is told to look for certain things that would make their parents (and various mega bag wielding Aunties) happy. This could be religion, social class, education, family back ground, looks, cooking ability etc. Now doing this on ones own, is a pretty momentous task (particularly if you have a job/life/responsibilities).

After all, In the Love Marriage set up, you don't ask these questions until you get to know the person (by which time your hormones have already decided for you). However, in the Arranged Marriages & Arranged Love Marriage frame work, one is already interacting with approved candidates. So if you like them, then it's already a pre-approved match. Everything to gain if you will.

Think of it in terms of credit cards, if your pre-approved for a really good advantageous rewards card, then that's a great thing; Good rates, excellent advantages and benefits/cool stuff, but you don't want to be the one trolling for crappy cards with hidden fees etc; Does "Special introductory rate of 0% (for 3 months, after which rate will be 215.76% per anum)" sound familiar? 

We all want the best possible card, but we are all wary of the final costs, the fine print and how our lives will be changed because of it. Sometimes we appreciate the general prodding in the right direction, other times we prefer to DIY (Do it yourself).