Islamic Chastity Belts: Crazy or Genius?

Why I Wrote This

The whole fear that parents have about their children having sex is pretty outrageous, particularly in Pakistan. However, in my gracious self I have decided to cash in on this opportunity and re-invent an old age product for the times. After all, condoms are actually ancient technology re-invented...now it's time for

Islamic Chastity Belts; A Comprehensive All Encompassing Islamic Solution to Upholding Moral Values!

It sounds ludicrous, but just because it in fact is, doesn't mean that there won't be demand for it and be insanely profitably. After all, who would have thought that PET ROCKS, would be a viable business.....seriously.

1. Marriage Friendly: Buy two, get one free. Get them for the entire family (if you have multiple wives that is), if you ever have fears that your female spouse is cheating on you, no need to worry anymore! Just make her wear an Islamic Chastity Belt and all of your fears about extra marital affairs (well, hers anyway), will evaporate! Go to work stress free and come home with the remote controlled lock in hand. I'm not saying that everyone is at risk of cheating (even though they are), but why take the risk? (Note: I recommend removing these during giving birth.)

2. Rape Prevention Tool: No rapist in his right mind would ever approach a girl if he had the slightest inkling that she was wearing one of these. The mere thought of those potentially deadly spikes would take eradicate any bad intentions or Un-Islamic ideas.....also the desire to bring about a death penalty on rapists can inadvertently be passed....yeah, those spikes look damn scary and since even evil men like remaining men, the incidence of rape will fall dramatically. Ha, I bet some hot shot western entrepreneur/legislator wish they thought of that!

3. Protects against Girl on Girl Action: The latest fear parents have been having from sending their daughters to all girl schools and colleges is the new fear of 'lesbianism' (I'm looking at you Mount Holyoke, Wellesley College, Kinnaird, DHA degee College for Women etc etc). Now I don't think it's a problem, particularly when my kid sister, in responce to a Friends episode, once proclaimed that although she didn't like boys, she didn't think she could be a lesbian either.

These belts, will allow women to attend these institutions unmolested, free from any potentially lesbian activities rife that may disrupt their learning. Say what you will, but we Islamic men protect our women from sexual deviance. High Five!

4. Parental Trust Enhancer: Parents can finally heave a sigh of relief when their teenage hormonal daughters go out with their friends or even boyfriends. When they start imagining the worst thing that could possibly happen, they can just chill out and (evil) laugh about it. Seriously, Parents don't trust their kids, and to be fair some of the time, it's for good reason. Now they can heave a sigh of relief and give me their money. (Note: Demand for other sexual stimulation may increase.)

5. Religion & Fear Based Demand: Parents are extremely fearful of what their kids may do. I expect fathers in particular to drive up sales into the millions in the first few months alone. My advertising campaign will show two sisters who go on divergent paths, the one without the belt becomes a Party going Socialite cum Actress who is actually manically depressed by her unfulfilling life, whereas the Islamic chastity belt toting one is bright, happy, probably a Hijabi and is very spiritual. Which daughter would you prefer to have?

There will also be a huge export market with the Arab market in particular being especially profitable, though we are mindful that copy right laws might still not prevent China from producing a cheaper copy cat product.... but we are prepared for that. We will have all of our stylish belts to be blessed by Crazy Clerics (no shortage of those!).

I expect that Michelle Obama will buy hundreds of these and have every female White House staffer fitted with these (just incase). So yeah, Pakistan will be exporting morality all of the world, how Awesome are we?

6. Parliamentary Stamp Approval: Our blessed Parliament despite it's rampant corruption and short comings, still has tremendous support in the country, after all, they were legally elected. Fortunately for the Islamic Chastity Belt business Pakistan's Parliament is always on the look out for ridiculous things to pass, they can pass a non-binding resolution lauding these Islamic Chastity Belts as a necessary tool in the upliftment of the morally depraved youth. Political Genius really. Just support the bill and count the votes till your liberal opponents starts crying.

Infact the female MP's can all sponsor the bill and extol it's virtues on how it makes 'youngsters' focus on their studies more instead of spending time in the pursuit of the opposite sex. I even have a name for the bill, 'Devices for the Promotion of Islamic Virtue Bill".

7. Special Features: 
A: An extra amount of cushion for comfort: Just because it seems brutal doesn't mean it can't be comfy...we're civilized after all!
B: A tracking device: Just to know where they are....for their own protection ofcourse, we live in such uncertain times.
C: A remote controlled opener, which will be activated the minute a girl enters her home: This will also encourage girls to stay at home more and spend quality time with their families increasing the family bond and making them far more virtuous, boys who now lack any purpose to chase girls will also sit at home and study.
D: Gold Version available: A poor family can literally invest their wealth in their women. Whilst richer ones can just show off that they're daughters literally shit on Gold.

The Big Idea:

We live in a society, nay in a world where we fear the occurrence of sex outside marriage, but the correct tool isn't an Islamic Chastity Belt, it's trust, it's parenting, it's imparting the values that you wish for your kids to have through setting a good example. If you can't do that, I'll be selling these Belts and protecting your daughters chastity online. You can't put a price tag on being Virtuous can you?

Can I get a High Five?

Love of the Game: Going Pro or Retiring

I'm always curious when I find guys that are ready to give up the single life for a life of monogamy. I mean, you are bound to be disappointed in some way, their isn't any 'they lived happily ever after', there is however, they mostly lived happily every after until they divorced....or forgot to; the benefits of old age if you will.

Majority of guys retire from the 'game', and with the passage of time some even mount comebacks either during their unions or once divorces papers are finalized.. The brave remaining, the Players who (perhaps) fortuitously decided that they were meant to go Pro, to be life long bachelors and womanizers of the highest degree. I applaud them for their bravery, after all, society looks down on those poor guys for not settling down and managing offspring.

I wonder why some would choose this path less traveled and the truth is that it has nothing to do with finding love. They've realized that for them, the concept of love and the subsequent relationship that goes with it, is the greatest game of all time; It is their purpose in lives to be the Tiger Woods of the Love Game. They want to maximize the good times of a relationship without having to endure the domestic pain that the institution of marriage brings about. This deserves a high five, not an admonishment.

They have enough belief in themselves and enjoy their own company enough that they are willing to take a life long gamble to pursue a hedonistic lifestyle. If that's what fulfills them, then power to them.

The whole man woman game is the greatest natural reality show in existence, there is always drama, excessively supplied by women, though brief men cameo's do make some contribution. Fights emanate from the ridiculous to the sublime.

Small things such as a guy not noticing his girlfriend's new hair cut (Advice: If you really wanted him to to notice something and be happy about it, get a boob job), and perhaps spending too much visual time on his girlfriends attractive friends. It is fraught with complications, but it's a different game in itself. From the beginning of a guys marriage right to the end, his biggest fear is the potential for divorce and the subsequent social fall out. And to be fair, he can hardly be blamed, so he makes it work. Couples endure each other for decades and take out their frustration on newer couples and hence the cycle continues.

The true passion that 'Players' feel for the game isn't the relationship itself, but the pursuit, the hunt. It is great, it is tenuous and it is everything to them. Maybe there lives are actually shallow and full of nothing but meaningless one night stands a sack full of stories, but if Life it's a compilation of your experiences, what is it? And who is to say that there isn't just as much meaning and satisfaction in 'going pro', as there is in settling down.

Who the hell are we to judge, we also want each other to be happy, right? Or would we rather everyone being equitably miserable? Either way, we enjoy discussing other peoples choices, for no other reason than to avoid a hard seething glance at the mirror.

For those couples that are shaking their heads, telling themselves how much they love each other and naively calling me a Jack Ass. C'mon seriously, you'll never maintain that same level of passion. It'll eventually be a disappointment (statistically), Love grows but passion fade and men tend to confuse love with sex. The less sex men get, the more they feel inclined to get it elsewhere.

Some guys feel like it's their right to cheat (men are also genetically programmed to procreate and spread their seed). After all, as far as they are concerned they are doing their best to make their partners happy (yes living in LALA land), but their former amorous parters no longer reciprocate they're sexual advances, so they justify cheating.

Which is probably why 'love' marriages tend to have a hire divorce rate than 'arranged' marriages. Arranged marriages aren't burdened by expectations...of any passionate sort. Marriage is a duty and a burden to be silently (or not so silently) borne..

We all see unhappy marriages and relationships, and laugh them off, discounting any possibility that it could one day be ourselves (we are smarter than they...which is exactly the same thing they thought). We fail to recognize and learn from the short comings people experience in relationships, even our own. But what I've always noticed, that it's the Players who keep their emotional attachments in check are the ones have the most baller times. They the Players, I applaud you for your zest for life and commitment to love of the game. Nike ought to make you guys some custom made shoes and a wrist band.

I recall some friends of mine, a couple, who would argue from time to time, without fail the only way any argument would be resolved is if one went on a tangent of how cute or adorable the other looked. After catching my breath from the subsequent puking, I realize that no matter if they stay together for ten or twenty years, theies was not a feasible relationship (incidentally the love birds lasted only another 3 weeks). There are some problems you can't just 'lovey dovey' BS away.

You have to stand up to your partner, resolve them and prepare to take any negative consequences as they come. Be a man, and take the pain knowing that a women can cause a man more pain in a five minute rant, than he could ever accomplish in a lifetime. So, I'm hard pressed to wonder why I sane man would sign up for that, rather than the freedom and privileges the single Pro life has to offer?

The answer is simple; Men are not logical in matters of love. When girls look at a guy, all they really see or measure are his financial prospects, not if he is likely to love them. It's a logical compatibility issue as far as they are concerned, even though their expectations of 'what they are worth', will vary as they get older and well...essentially less attractive (there..I said it).

Girl's most appreciable currency is their looks, which makes the game that much more intriguing. Women are aware of 'The Game', this dance we play with each other like some Cultist pairing ritual. The older they get, the more conniving, after all, whilst older guys may marry younger women, young guys don't marry older women. If they do, they are considering Saints....or Prophets for that matter

Note: Prophet Muhammad's (Peace Be Upon Him) first wife Bibi Khadija was 15 years older than him, but she was exceptionally awesome (Duh, she Married the PROPHET).

Guys on the other hand lose or redefine the essence of themselves when confronted with a particularly fantastic girl (as per their expectations). Men don't really care about the girls family, all what they really cares about is how she looks (shallow I admit) and if they can get along (Thumbs Up for Compatibility Check). The guy's family takes care of rest of the details.

Men are fools in Love. So cut us some slack when we look back in time and remember the glorious times when we were Single, Great at it and Positively Awesome. We gave it all up to spend our lives pleasing, growing with and appreciating one woman, and as emotionally sweet as that may sound, our genetics fight monogamy till the day we die.

Whether we go Pro or Retire from the Game all together, the choice is our own, but if we take the risk of love, we'll almost always lose, but we live for the dream of when we roll the dice and come up trumps.

For all of you incorrigible womanizers, 'Stay Thirsty, my Friends' and for your sake, I sure hope Hell is a Wanton Beer Garden.