Life is Beautiful: Unrelenting Optimism

I am proud to announce that I've solved all of our nation's problems. We don't need to reduce corruption, inflation, the energy deficit, mis-justice, unemployment or even street protests; we need to change ourselves and establish a life code of  'Unrelenting Optimism', by which we should always rejoice, even if it requires hallucinating the facts. Our problem is that we're all silly nitwit bunch of complainers. No matter how good life is, we just complain. It's an Olympic sport for us Pakistani's. What we need to eat some Mushrooms (the spiritual kind), open our eyes and realize that everything is actually great. Life is Beautiful.

Ever so often, someone dies or an election happens, and People stream onto the street. Now, it's popular misconception that mayhem is being cause but that really isn't the case, after all, they aren't aren't actually rioting on the streets, they are in fact throwing one big street party, its definitely more Eid than Tienanmen square. Those cars and vehicles are being burnt so that everyone can have a bonfire they can roast marshmallows and Chicken Tikkas on! there is nothing more festive than fires popping up across the city. How often is that you get to see the entire neighborhood out and about? It's such a blessing indeed!

Inflation is actually just the farmers way of trying to make everyone more health conscious. After all, Sugar, Meat and Dairy products are all very bad for health! The higher the prices, the less food a person consumes, the thinner they get and hence, a healthier (naturally better looking) population will emerge and it'll make nutritious choices; just like the North Koreans, don't they seem like a happy lot. how could we this blessed inflation see it for what it is? A national dieting drive!

Some like the whine about unemployment and how too many people don't have jobs. Now that's certainly misleading. Unemployment isn't a problem, it just means that the general populace has more time to spend with their families and 'find themselves', but we do care for those work obsessed folk; which is why Saturdays are off! We truly do live in Paradise!

The energy deficit doesn't mean that we should live in the dark, it not only helps the candle and generator industry, but by devoiding our lives of the internet, TV and fans, it also lets us appreciate the simpler things in life. Like a starry night as a drone powers on through to deliver it's next cache of bombs....completely for free!

Pakistan/US Relations: Just bribe us and get it over with.

Now many may mistake the relationship our nation has with our international friends aka the goras whom we affectionately call Obama, which is funny, because he's not gora, but we're too polite to say anything. Contrary to popular misconception, we're actually the best of friends. Infact they come over for sleep overs all the time, lend us money every so often, even though we never actually pay them back, they even look after our borders for us! Such silly news anchors we have, what more can one ask for in a friend?

Pakistan is AWESOME!; Ignore Anything Else I've Said to the Contrary.

The annual pillaging of the government's budget isn't corruption sucking the life blood out of Pakistan, it's actually a very smart investment for the future! The richer the political elite become, the bigger the scraps that fall from their table become. They are certainly better re-distributors of wealth than say the free market, they have an emotional stake in our country's people. We're so lucky!

The More Glasses the Merrier

Many people (blind conspiracy driven foreigner I'll bet), believe that Pakistan lacks a proper justice system, I say that they've completely mistaken. You see, we don't have a functional justice system that actually settles cases, because the powers that be have immense faith in the people of Pakistan to resolve our own problems. So what if it sometimes it allegedly get's out of hand. It's truly justice of the people.

Dealing With Inflation: Where there is a will, there is a Way!

Women have rights, plenty of rights, in fact I distinctly recall offering all women the right to come on over to my house clean the dishes, tidy up my room and make me a nice tasty meal (I prefer Lasagne), I'm sure all other Pakistani men are just as generous. We're an inviting lot you know! Almost to a fault, I daresay. We invited these Taliban chaps, and they like it here so much (duh, we're awesome...and tight), they decided to stay. Slumber parties for all!

Don't date Prudence! Prudence is Not Halal! YAY Overspending!

Government over spending, you see every once in a while, the world's economic powers would date a girl called 'Prudence', but since prudence is not a Muslim name (and is probably promiscuous as a result), we decided that it's in the best interest of the nation to shy away from her and over spend, just so that she doesn't get that idea that we're open to temptation. Besides, why would the most perfect Islamic state in all the lands, follow the fiscal example of the rest of the world? Sheer lunacy.

Optimism is believing these Girls are all 21 and have no STD's

Besides, the more we borrow to spend now, the harder our children will have to work in paying off our debt, and we as a society want nothing more than for our future generations to develop a strong work ethic. A bunch of Lazies they will never be!

Whilst others may share a different much less enjoyable reality, the world is really enjoyed by those eccentrics who choose to make the best of things, find joy even when the circumstances don't justify them. Anyone can be happy when the going is good, but to be happy when nothing works in one's favor – now that requires talent. And of course, unrelenting optimism; copious amounts of medication never hurt either.

A version of this piece was reluctantly published on Dawn.com

Islamic Clerics: Guilty of Breast Milk Fetish

"(June 5) -- Women in Saudi Arabia should give their breast milk to male colleagues and acquaintances in order to avoid breaking strict Islamic law forbidding mixing between the sexes, two powerful Saudi clerics have said. They are at odds, however, over precisely how the milk should be conveyed."

Now the mere fact that a fatwa about adult breast-feeding was deemed worthy of a 'fatwa' in the first place should be indication enough that we, somewhere have gone seriously awry...that's strange even as some fatwas tend to go. All of this bizarreness in order to establish "maternal relations" that would obviously preclude the possibility of sexual contact is crazy, even for the Muslim world. Can any Cleric issue a fatwa on anything he feels like?

Our beloved Mullahs have already covered enough weird topics banning Pokemon (Obviously Jewish) and Sponge Bob Square pants (Atrociously Gay), so what's next? A fatwa on taking naps during work (not that I'd ever do that....and get caught). or perhaps the number of toothpicks prescribed for post meal clean up and maybe culminating in a fatwa against Football...oops they already covered that one. However, you are allowed to if you are training for Jihad....just saying.

Then there is Misyar , which. Sort like prostitution but without the pay off. Sweet and innovative. It's like a legalized booty call; basically like a friend with benefits and you don' t have to financially support her anymore. So it's basically 'getting it on' for "getting it on's" sake...with religious permission. There is something oddly genius about this that only a man could come up with.

Sheikh Al Obeikan, an adviser to the Saudi royal court and consultant to the Ministry of Justice, set off a firestorm of controversy recently when he said on TV that women who come into regular contact with men who aren't related to them ought to give them their breast milk so they will be considered relatives.

"The man should take the milk, but not directly from the breast of the woman," Al Obeikan said, according to Gulf News. "He should drink it and then becomes a relative of the family, a fact that allows him to come in contact with the women without breaking Islam's rules about mixing."

Al Obeikan (Obi 'Yes You" Kan) made the statement after being asked on Television interview about a 2007 fatwa issued by an Egyptian scholar about adult breast-feeding, said that the breast milk ought to be pumped out and given to men in a glass.

Now, a sane person would imagine that there would be outrage or atleast a little debate. However, the only debate that followed his remarks was an announcement by another high-profile sheik, Abi Ishaq Al Huwaini (Obi Who Won...ee?), who proclaimed that men should suckle the breast milk directly from a woman's breast......(I'm Still In Shock)

Shortly after this debate errupted, a bus driver reportedly told one of the female teachers whom he drives regularly that for religious reasons he wanted to suckle milk from her breast. The teacher has threaten to file a lawsuit against him, her family may not feel so charitable. I wonder what Egyptian Gun Laws look like?

Now, one has to wonder where this perverted fatwa stems from? Under Islamic law, women are encouraged to breast-feed their children until the age of 2. It is not uncommon for sisters, for example, to breast-feed their nephews so they and their daughters will not have to cover their faces in front of them later in life. The custom is called being a "breast milk sibling." (trust me, I can't make this stuff up).

But under Islamic law, breast milk siblings have to be breastfed before the age of 2 in five "fulfilling" sessions. Islam prohibits sexual relations between a man and any woman who breastfed him in infancy. They are then allowed to be alone together when the man is an adult because he is not considered a potential mate. Apparently no one tracks the google search for the term 'Milf', 'Incest' or 'breast milk fetish'....oddly enough it's a rather popular fetish.

Moreover, the thought of a huge hairy face at a woman's breast does not evoke motherly or even brotherly feelings. It could go from the grotesque to the erotic but definitely not maternal."

Unlawful mixing between the sexes is taken very seriously in Saudi Arabia. In March 2009, a 75-year-old Syrian widow, Khamisa Mohammed Sawadi, living in the city of Al-Chamil, was given 40 lashes and sentenced to six months in prison after the religious police learned that two men who were not related to her were in her house, delivering bread to her.

One of the two men found in her house, Fahd, told the police that Sawadi breast-fed him as a baby so he was considered a son and had a right to be there. But in a later court ruling, a judge said it could not be proved that Fahd was her "breast milk son." Fahd was sentenced to four months in prison and 40 lashes, and the man who accompanied him got six months and 60 lashes.

The original adult breast-feeding fatwa was issued three years ago by an Egyptian scholar at Egypt's al-Azhar University, considered Sunni Islam's top university. Ezzat Attiya (Who is Zat At Eya?) was expelled from the university after advocating breast-feeding of men as a way to circumnavigate segregation of the sexes in Egypt. What can I say, he may be a freak, but he's ballsy.

Well, I do suppose it'll be more maternal if the man sucks the milk out from the woman breast. Perhaps the man should wear a diaper and the women must be obligated to talcum powder, change him and rock him to sleep. Cleaning up puke is definitely a given...As is spanking.

Are fetishes actually halal now? I imagine elbow sex, toe fetishes and ear lobes are next. Maybe even Tranny play. Do these guys ever bother issuing fatwas on things that actually matter? Like terrorism, tolerance, womens rights? How do they expect to spread the message of Islam if their primary audience appears to be sexual deviants....then again, it just might work....not.

How am I, as a (relatively) normal Muslim, supposed to take this seriously?   

Why I Didn't Become A Journalist

 
Ladies & Gentlemen, believe it or not, once upon a time, I was actually contemplating a career as a journalist. I had always been a pretty good writer (as well as public speaker, poet, rugby player, Star Craft player, Checkers Champ, etc but why be arrogant about my God given talents?) I was in high school, in Karachi Grammar School (KGS) when I first started writing professionally (getting paid; I was trying to earn my way to my first cell phone), I was a pretty productive writer (unashamedly money, resume and intellect driven), I even founded a 'Journalism Society' (read "Club I founded & appointed myself President; true Pakistani style"). I used to write incessantly for the likes of  Dawn group's Young World, Education Pages, Review, Books & Authors, The Star (Designated: Youth Editor), etc. Many assumed that I'd continue on with that writing fervor and commit my career (and possibly my potentially short-lived life) to journalistic endeavor.

Well, I didn't. I discovered this wonderfully practical thing called economics, then finance and voila here I sit today, a cog in Pakistan's well functioning Financial juggernaut. I have no regrets and never will. But I still write, and will probably continue to do so till it utterly bores the inspiration right out off me.

 As far as I was concerned, it wasn't a bait and switch to get into college (I had a phenomenal resume and list of extra currics). I was actually more than mildly interested in journalism. I could write, I had an inquisitive mind, a flair for witty prose, but sadly I lacked passion for journalism, the search of truth in itself. Perhaps more importantly (to me anyway) I discovered that I didn't actually like most journalists. For a social animal like myself, great people to work with tend to matter.

The media industry, as cool as some of it's folk are, is heavily laden with self-important, overly clever, under talented individuals *who*seemed to be put on this earth to aggravate my early morning happiness. Now, to be fair, I'm a rather judgmental  person and not the greatest morning person to start with, but I'm forgiving, have an analytical mind and tend to care about the news; quite a nice lad infact.

Journalists seem to enjoy this "I'm searching for the truth & enduring hardships" mindset that may seem adorable to an 13 year old idealist child, but I found it (and still find it) extraordinarily annoying. All these veteran truth seekers seem to want to talk about was how much secret information (dirt) they had, how the government tries to hide the truth (which I'm sure they do), or how some XYZ person was completely corrupt and how they were going to uncover the truth and expose them all for their crimes (probably guilty); they barely ever did; they were however, very quick to blame the government and their publishers who probably wanted something called 'verifiable sources'.

I do recall an occasion where one particularly irrate pompous Journalist was claimed that the government refused to allow him entrance into a particularly dangerous hostile area. It was a hot spot for decapitations and murders...can you blame the government for not allowing journalists in the area? I don't. Now if they did let the Journalist in question get himself killed, the head lines would rage about how insecure the area and how the government ought to have provided personal protection to the individual. Which if the government actually did they'd be criticized by the Journalist for constraining his movement and not letting him get the entire picture. It's a perfect damned if you and damned if you don't situation. Because a newspaper always seeks a headline, even if it has to create one. That's another thing I hate about journalists, everything is in hindsight.

On the rare occasion that these stalwarts of truth, justice and freedom were successful in uncovering whatever massive conspiracy they had arduously pursued, they always seemed embittered by how little people cared. How ignorant the general populace was about their ground breaking achievements (Most failed to realize that over half the population can't even etch their name).

Pakistani Journalists don't write with a passion for the truth or some mildly noble cause, they write for accolades, and a fleeting sense of self worth; one headline at a time, byline by byline. As if a newspaper article would catapult them onto the national stage and shower them with prestige. Evidently it doesn't, at least not in the lofty social circles that they expected it to (they want fame & fortune like everyone else).

Every journalistic rant is laced with enough generic platitudes to send an elephant into a coma and begging for an enema, or at least therapy. Journalists brandish unspecific ideas, abstract concepts and ridiculous prose as if they are Paul Coelho. They are not. they are scribes, and there is nothing wrong about that, but for my morning news, I'd love a little clarity.

The 9th time I read 'betterment for our country', 'morality', 'cultural values', 'Islamic ideals', 'democratic ideals' and 'not our culture', I stop caring what else the writer has written. Because he has no clue what he's talking about. Or at the very least can't convey his thoughts in an effective enough manner that an English educated Foreign graduate like myself can't fathom what the hell he's talking about.It's a waste of my mental acumen to concern myself with what he may or may not mean.

Most journalists have their own little (or large) pet cause or NGO that they support and strive very hard to make them relevant (sometimes for an additional commission). They feel that their patronage is the most important part of the organization, never mind the hard work actually done by the NGO's foot soldiers.  

Journalists feel that it's their God given right to bash the government over any and everything. The default crux of anything printed somehow revolves around the government's inefficiency. I understand, Public Sector enterprises cost the government (give or take) almost $3 billion dollars in bailouts last year. But which private (preferably foreign) company would want to buy a bloated, unprofitable enterprise? PIA has negative equity. Which in layman terms means you have to pay someone else to take it over.

On the flip side, does anyone really want mass unemployment? because if the Government did make such a move, the media would be loaded with stories of how the government was 'ending the livelihoods' of so many people and 'destroying' their lives whilst the politicians load up on corruption. It's a perpetual blame game in which journalist can sit back and criticize without any actual value creation; though some esteemed journalistic icons have expressed how by criticizing and holding the government accountable they were infact 'saving the nation (usually from some form of far-fetched conspiracy)'. Basking in hindsight journalism is about as useful as completing a marathon on a broken foot. You can complain about it, but shouldn't you have rested the foot instead of navigating the rest of life with a limp. Pro-active versus Reactive.

Because Obviously it's okay to kill anyone other than a Journalist

"More things in politics happen by accident or exhaustion than happen by conspiracy."
Jeff Greenfield
 
Everything is a conspiracy with a delectable combination of the government, various political parties, United States, NGO's, IMF, Indian secret intelligence (RAW), the army and the ISI (Pakistan's version of the CIA). As much fun as drawing room conspiracy theories are to discuss. They really ought to stay away from News Papers. News Papers should have a grounding in Facts. Unless it's the funnies section; I love the funnies section...till the publishers shortened it to expand their pulpit space.


Maybe it's an inherent part of our 'culture' to blame anyone in a position of authority stemming from a 'colonial mind-set' but eventually we need to stop making excuses and own the government that we have. Cut them some slack when deserved and bash them when they do mess up gloriously.

Call me an elitist demanding snob, but if I'm going to devote the 50 odd seconds or so of my day perusing some poorly spell checked piece I demand that it not only be properly written but have some actual actionable result. Bemoaning the lack of government involvement is a cop out.

I did ask myself if I wanted to be the man that changed that? And the truth is that I lacked the conviction too. Everything I wrote would either be edited, dumbed down or rephrased in such a way that the authors style was scrubbed from the piece and the editors meek voice reigned supreme. Personally, I also hate it when people edit my work. Hence the bloggery with all of my mistakes is still my preferred outlet. 

I still write more than a few satire pieces and general free lance articles for Dawn, Pakistan's largest English Daily Newspaper, but I write primarily as a mental release. I'm selfish in that I write to amuse myself (and possibly a few others) and enjoy the perks of being published (of which there are none that I actually care about).

To be fair there are some Journalists that I have a massive respect for, but I had and still have no desire to be in their place; though there are pleasures to be had as the Saint in the land of Sinners. Just not for me.

* Thanks Alec

10 Things I Hate About Democracy

There are some things I love about democracy, the ideal that everyone is born equal, that everyone ought to have a say in the running of their nation. However, when I left my text book idealism and looked at the Pakistan around me, I felt compelled to write this post

1. Stupidity Measurement Index: We get to really ascertain how stupid the general populace really is. Whether it's re-electing perpetually corrupt or the unbelievably incompetent, our general populace prefers electing the same old corrupt faces. It’s not even that these are folks with any modicum of class…just look at the way they treat each other.

2. The government is expected to always step in because they are ‘democratically’ elected and ‘serve the people’; to be fair they do service the people….their own people as it turns out……which turns out to be a very limited number.  It sickens me to see imported land cruisers and VIP service all paid for by tax payer money, I’m almost glad I don’t have access to view their Swiss Bank Accounts. 

3. Democracy Complex: We justify bad governance by saying 'at least it's a democratically elected government'. Our Democratic idealist love to admonish from their pulpits about some mythical time hundred of years into the future where a few bad teething years of democracy served the greater good. For starters that is insane. If we keep repeating the same cycles of democratically elected ahem re-appropriators of budget resources, things will never change. And secondly, it is hardly any relief to the common man who can’t afford two square meals a day that he has a democratic government. As our honorable Finance Minister stated ‘Starving amongst plenty’ indeed.

4. We elect idiots and feel justified in ranting about how incompetent they are. If you lect a fool with a track record for being a corrupt fool, you don't have the right to be pissed when he acts like a corrupt fool. Particularly when the venerable representative is forced to resign on account of holding a fake degree and then gets re-elected to Parliament on the back of the sitting Prime Minister’s conditional offer of a mega project if the electorate sees fit to re-instate the said official back into office. And you know what…he was re-lected…by a handy margin.

5. Corruption Personified: Our democratically elected MNA's have a god complex and feel perfectly justified in even the most common place thievery. I’m not saying military rule is much better in this regard, but my perception is that the army has a sense of honor that arises from a largely meritocratic organization. The meritocracy of our democratic system stems from accidents of birth. Even the competent are removed on grounds of ….ahem…transitional favoritism.

6. Hypocrisy: Only in Pakistani democracy would an elected official admonish others about energy savings but then be stealing electricity him self. The also feel justified in loading up PSE’s with political appointees and friends in order to ‘reduce’ unemployment, and then blame the PSE for being a burden on the economy. politicians blame each other for the lack of getting anything done due to the desire to build consensus. More like splitting the pie amongst themselves to see who can get the biggest piece. There are no checks and balances: The Checks and balances our democratically elected politicians are familiar with refer to the checks politicians expect written out to augment their bank balances.

7. Democracy is the mob, and in Pakistan the mob is surprisingly easy to manipulate. Oppression of the majority on the minority. Democracy is divisive. Democracy is all about controlling the Mob. That’s it. It is Politicians gaming what they think 51% believe over the remaining 49%, and even in that context they consider which segments actually vote. Religion and Morality are well received segments. Democracy, where even the stupid have as much voting power as the brilliant.

8. Religious Infusion: Islam was built on the basis of democracy....bullshit.... nothing about Islamic governance is predicated on democratic inclination. Prophet (PBUH) wasn't elected by the general populace neither were the Caliphs or the Imams. You get the ability to elect barely literate 'leaders' to run the largest organization in Pakistan. It ought to be left to professionals, not the politicians (Hire the Singapore Government; before anyone suggests, no I have no desire to move there, just pointing out what works). The closest thing to an Islamic Democracy is Islam, where the elected members have wonderful 'advisory' roles with lots of checks and balances by religious institutions.

9. Democracy is a punishment for not having popular enough western leaning leaders. The motto seems like 'Be nice to America or we'll bring democracy to you'. Saudi Arabia, friendly pro-Americans. Kim Jong Il elected leader of North Korea, Axis of evil. So, you better have the right democracy appears to be the order of the day.

10. But what I hate about democracy the most is that best, most stable, economically prosperous years I’ve known have been when we had a military dictatorship (GDP output grew from USD 40bn to USD 160bn), when our economy was deemed to potentially be the next China or at the very least India. Under democracy, now we look like the Nigeria’s oil less, religious, drug addled cousin.

Democracy has disappointed me. It’s not the silver bullet, and for a country like our that is so blessed with natural resources our lack of progress is an embarrassment to God’s good graces. According to news reports, the country has the second largest salt mine in the world, fifth largest gold mine, seventh largest copper mine, fifth largest coal reserves, seventh largest wheat and rice production capacity, is eighth in the rankings of fresh water availability and to add to our embarrassment of riches we possess 185 billion tonnes of Thar coal. And even with all those blessed resources we have a fiscal, energy and international trade deficit.

The primary root of my angst is the lack of education. An uneducated stupid electorate will elect similar leaders. However, the government has no incentive to invest in education, and hence budget after budget, election after election all we are feted to is the customary lip service to education. What’s the point of a democracy if your people starve?

Maybe, I'm just out of line (not exactly outlandish) Is Democracy a dish best served cold? Or in our case….space frozen.  

Dear Uncle Sam & Friends

Dear Uncle Sam & Friends,

How are you? I hope you are doing well....well enough to give our thieving tyrants a few billion more dollars so they can pump up their swiss bank accounts and ride around in their convoy gold plated suicide bomber proof 'smart' cars. The free Boeing you threw in for free were nice too.

This is Pakistan here, not the government your accustomed to paying off dealing with, but the peeps. and yes, take that as evidence that we watch the WWE and think Christian; Captain Charisma himself, is awesome. See, we love your liberal TV!

Shouldn't that make us more human, rather than a perpetual inconvenience that requires a cheque book? We have feelings too you know, we ought to talk about them sometime when your done invading other countries or causing economic collapses.

We don't talk often, but when we do it's usually about money and how you should be giving us some for doing things like cleaning our rooms off the poisonous bugs we have scurrying around (Your fault btw). Fine we will, but it'll cost you a few billion and damn straight we feel perfectly entitled in demanding it.

You do seem to talk alot about us though, 'The Pakistani People' and how you want to 'help us', horse shit here is some news for you douchebags, Pakistani people think you are full of shit. You don't want to help us, you want to control us, teach us how we should think, what we should believe and what we should do. Fuck that. We'll pretend to be nice when taking your piles of cash, but let's be honest here, this is a business transactions. We do what you want for pay, but we'll skull fuck you verbally all freaking day. We'll burn all y'all flags and wait for your dethronement, for that we'll pray.  

You ask us why are we so belligerent, why do we blindly hate y'all so much. And as sweet as that sentiment may sound, it is my sad duty to inform you that we don't blindly abhor you; we hate you the same way that a drug addict prostitute hates her 'clients'. You only give us money to fuel our angst, and baby, we'll cluster fucking burn that wad of bills until there is nothing left and you have to come back to give us more. We know what you're trying to do..... You pay us off like we're trash, like beggars on the street, like parents who pay off their kids so they can justify not spending time with them. So fucking be it you impotent assholes.

Now that we have nukes (which you paid for, thanks btw), come and try to beat us with your big bad stick. Make our day.  Does Nuclear Holocaust and potential genetic mutation sounds particularly awesome?

We grew up disenfranchised, with one dictator/thief after another, all promising that our lives were going to be better, and all the while you looked on in appreciation that your newly hired nanny was actually going to take care of us. Bull Fucking Shit. These so called 'guardians' raped and pillaged everywhere they went, and you know fucking what, history repeats itself. Telling us that they're democratic doesn't make their crimes any less painful. Yes we elect them, you prop them up, we elect them. That's the story 'morning glory,' call it part of the Stockholme syndrome that you infected us with. Thanks a load, the family thanks you.

And what the hell is it with Afghanistan? Why is their every fuck up our god damn fault. We didn't make those pot growing Islamic Hercules loving hippies the way they are, you did. Just like you made us just the way we are with your Jihad against the Communists...

We get it, it's cheaper for you to train and send us to shed our blood than having to deal with all the bad press of American soldiers coming home in body bags. Btw what the fuck is this whole bringing the body back home for burial. Seriously, WHAT? You bury a man on the ground he dies on. Period. Carting a dead body complete with hash filled coffins just seems far more disrespectful. What the fuck are you? Made of Money? Oh yeah...wait.  

You want to make things better? Well here's a start, try focusing on the actual people who live here, the ones that don't have enough to eat while you make your regular deposits in our leaders Swiss bank accounts. How about a little electricity for those poor bastards living like slum dogs. The movie was cute, but it's fucking reality. How about educating a few folk? Only half the population can write their bloody names.....and that's the litmus test to see if they are literate. And most of all, how about investing in our Future rather than offering us military hardware and bucket loads of your dirty money.

Thank you for your mother fucking money, here is to us making you choke on it!

Sincerely yours,

The Pakistani People

PS: HOW FUCKING DARE YOU END 24 & LOST!!!!WHY? WHY? WHY?

PSS: YOU ARE NEVER LEAVING AFGHANISTAN OR IRAQ: SUCK ON THAT BITCHES!!!

Islamic Chastity Belts: Crazy or Genius?

Why I Wrote This

The whole fear that parents have about their children having sex is pretty outrageous, particularly in Pakistan. However, in my gracious self I have decided to cash in on this opportunity and re-invent an old age product for the times. After all, condoms are actually ancient technology re-invented...now it's time for

Islamic Chastity Belts; A Comprehensive All Encompassing Islamic Solution to Upholding Moral Values!

It sounds ludicrous, but just because it in fact is, doesn't mean that there won't be demand for it and be insanely profitably. After all, who would have thought that PET ROCKS, would be a viable business.....seriously.

1. Marriage Friendly: Buy two, get one free. Get them for the entire family (if you have multiple wives that is), if you ever have fears that your female spouse is cheating on you, no need to worry anymore! Just make her wear an Islamic Chastity Belt and all of your fears about extra marital affairs (well, hers anyway), will evaporate! Go to work stress free and come home with the remote controlled lock in hand. I'm not saying that everyone is at risk of cheating (even though they are), but why take the risk? (Note: I recommend removing these during giving birth.)

2. Rape Prevention Tool: No rapist in his right mind would ever approach a girl if he had the slightest inkling that she was wearing one of these. The mere thought of those potentially deadly spikes would take eradicate any bad intentions or Un-Islamic ideas.....also the desire to bring about a death penalty on rapists can inadvertently be passed....yeah, those spikes look damn scary and since even evil men like remaining men, the incidence of rape will fall dramatically. Ha, I bet some hot shot western entrepreneur/legislator wish they thought of that!

3. Protects against Girl on Girl Action: The latest fear parents have been having from sending their daughters to all girl schools and colleges is the new fear of 'lesbianism' (I'm looking at you Mount Holyoke, Wellesley College, Kinnaird, DHA degee College for Women etc etc). Now I don't think it's a problem, particularly when my kid sister, in responce to a Friends episode, once proclaimed that although she didn't like boys, she didn't think she could be a lesbian either.

These belts, will allow women to attend these institutions unmolested, free from any potentially lesbian activities rife that may disrupt their learning. Say what you will, but we Islamic men protect our women from sexual deviance. High Five!

4. Parental Trust Enhancer: Parents can finally heave a sigh of relief when their teenage hormonal daughters go out with their friends or even boyfriends. When they start imagining the worst thing that could possibly happen, they can just chill out and (evil) laugh about it. Seriously, Parents don't trust their kids, and to be fair some of the time, it's for good reason. Now they can heave a sigh of relief and give me their money. (Note: Demand for other sexual stimulation may increase.)

5. Religion & Fear Based Demand: Parents are extremely fearful of what their kids may do. I expect fathers in particular to drive up sales into the millions in the first few months alone. My advertising campaign will show two sisters who go on divergent paths, the one without the belt becomes a Party going Socialite cum Actress who is actually manically depressed by her unfulfilling life, whereas the Islamic chastity belt toting one is bright, happy, probably a Hijabi and is very spiritual. Which daughter would you prefer to have?

There will also be a huge export market with the Arab market in particular being especially profitable, though we are mindful that copy right laws might still not prevent China from producing a cheaper copy cat product.... but we are prepared for that. We will have all of our stylish belts to be blessed by Crazy Clerics (no shortage of those!).

I expect that Michelle Obama will buy hundreds of these and have every female White House staffer fitted with these (just incase). So yeah, Pakistan will be exporting morality all of the world, how Awesome are we?

6. Parliamentary Stamp Approval: Our blessed Parliament despite it's rampant corruption and short comings, still has tremendous support in the country, after all, they were legally elected. Fortunately for the Islamic Chastity Belt business Pakistan's Parliament is always on the look out for ridiculous things to pass, they can pass a non-binding resolution lauding these Islamic Chastity Belts as a necessary tool in the upliftment of the morally depraved youth. Political Genius really. Just support the bill and count the votes till your liberal opponents starts crying.

Infact the female MP's can all sponsor the bill and extol it's virtues on how it makes 'youngsters' focus on their studies more instead of spending time in the pursuit of the opposite sex. I even have a name for the bill, 'Devices for the Promotion of Islamic Virtue Bill".

7. Special Features: 
A: An extra amount of cushion for comfort: Just because it seems brutal doesn't mean it can't be comfy...we're civilized after all!
B: A tracking device: Just to know where they are....for their own protection ofcourse, we live in such uncertain times.
C: A remote controlled opener, which will be activated the minute a girl enters her home: This will also encourage girls to stay at home more and spend quality time with their families increasing the family bond and making them far more virtuous, boys who now lack any purpose to chase girls will also sit at home and study.
D: Gold Version available: A poor family can literally invest their wealth in their women. Whilst richer ones can just show off that they're daughters literally shit on Gold.

The Big Idea:

We live in a society, nay in a world where we fear the occurrence of sex outside marriage, but the correct tool isn't an Islamic Chastity Belt, it's trust, it's parenting, it's imparting the values that you wish for your kids to have through setting a good example. If you can't do that, I'll be selling these Belts and protecting your daughters chastity online. You can't put a price tag on being Virtuous can you?

Can I get a High Five?

Taliban Fight Club

The Taliban seem like a very frustrated lot, whether they are in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq or anywhere in the world. They have so much hate and ideological madness, I think it would be remiss if we as a society didn't come up with a creative solution to address their mental issues. Because wanting to be a suicide bomber ought to be officially diagnosed as a mental disorder. 

So here is my idea, Taliban Fight Club. Because there is nothing more satiating to madmen than beating someone till your arms are tired, your lips are bloody, body is bruised and you've lost so many brain cells that you can't remember what the fight was about in the first place (Hey, it worked for the Spartans), incidentally a Taliban rugby league wouldn't be amiss either.

Obviously there would have to be rules, terms and conditions that will shape the landscape of the bouts:

1. No beard tugging; Taliban typically use the space to store their weed and Mars bars...respect.

2. No weapons or safety pads allowed (including improvised explosive devices), however groin cups are permissible, but at no point can be used as a weapon; hence the Upward Thrust knockout (UT KO) move illegal.

3. Adequate clothing must be worn at all times; Taliban are highly self conscious over their jungle like body hair.

4. There will be 70 attractive Burka wearing cheerleaders (spread across nationalities to cater to differing tastes), however, they will only reveal their modest amounts of clothing if and only if the Taliban contestant win the bout. (At which point they'll realize that they don't need to die to go to heaven) 

5. Chuck Norris is not allowed to participate....ever. (There are conflicting fatwas on Chuck Norris being a demon)

6. Fights will incorporate prayer breaks to cater to multiple faiths. Islamic history does show that devout Muslim Generals praying on the field of battle, during hostilities. 

7. Male contestants eligible for "Beauty and the Geek" are encouraged to apply; Taliban are notoriously malnourished (lack of post weed munchies....hence the compensatory large beards and bulked up clothing favored by the Legions of T.... its not a fashion statement). We are looking for an uber awesome contest and there is nothing more awesome than seeing a geek unleash his inner demon and unleash his fists of fury....on that note, Go Spider Man! 

Hell, if it catches on it could even be a reality show in itself, take the contestants from the biggest loser and Jersey shore and have them fight it out. Or we could model it off the WWE/TNA and use real or real'ish people. 

I even have some snazzy Pay-per-view ideas

1. No Way Out (To be held in Tora Bora or Guantanamo, which ever is cheaper)

2. Turbans, Laces & Coke (To be held in the FBI's evidence locker or Columbia; laces to be made of Kevlar and turbans designed by Hermes, Coke will preferably be local)

3.  Hell is my Cell (Any Afghani or Iraqi prison will do)

4. Ragging Rights (Madison Square garden, fighters have to make their opponents submit by humiliating them verbally... on the spot translation will be available)

5. Battle of the Beards (to coincide with the Beard Olympics) Beards can be used as weapon to whip lash, choke etc. Person whose beard gets ripped of his (or her) face first wins.

This would also be super profitable and all proceeds can be used to rebuild Afghanistan and Iraq.