End of the World: FINAL 3

Imagine if Armageddon happened tomorrow, okay, maybe you don't think it's possible, so I'll tell you how it can conceivably occur. 

An armoured tank division from India gets lost and slips into Pakistan, fearing the worst Pakistan launches nuclear strikes (we also nuke Bangladesh for good measure; 1971 retribution), In retaliation India launches their Nukes at Pakistan. Iran launches their Nukes at Israel (Jews are obviously behind everything...duh). Israel launches their Nukes at the entire Arab world. Russia and China Launch their Nukes, America Launches their nukes (Obama decides he needs to look tough in the eyes of the world and nukes everybody....plus redneck country) and finally the Europeans finish gobbling down their freaking Danish and get in on the action. 

North Korea attempts to launch their Nukes, but they blow up in their silos. All remaining countries who may conceivably have nukes (Venezuela, Brazil, Nigeria, South Africa etc) launch them too (Contrary to popular belief, no terrorist organization has any). Eventually, the radiation and nuclear fall out is so catastrophic that the world in a adolescent boy style state of heat. The countries not completely nuked out of existence would have mushroom cloud cover, extinguishing all life (take that Australia)  

So, now that I've made my point. Who is left. Well, obviously no ordinary human could withstand this destruction. 

The question is that who could possibly survive this immense destruction? 

God, Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris

Jack Bauer because he is in CTU and has taken special drugs to withstand all manner of destruction. We are pretty certain he's not human. He does more in a day by himself than most countries. 

Chuck Norris, because he was taking a nap on Venus, because that was the only place whose women he hadn't shagged....he was in the process of pulling Venus apart rock by rock when the attack happened. (He already tore Mars apart because of his Daddy issues). 

God is God. I'm trying to be on his good side lately. 

What would they do? 

Trash Talk; God about making the world in 7 days, Bauer talking about saving the world in 24 hours and Chuck Norris for round house kicking the devil, and still having the Devils tooth lodged in his gleaning boot. God pokes fun at Jack Bauer for saving the world from a nuclear blast...oh wait he didn't...wuss. 

Get Man Tans: Ohk, God doesn't need a tan, but since he is everywhere, he'll like the heat wave. When Chuck Norris removes his shirt, several nukes will explode off the coast of Japan, because he's so powerful. Jack Bauer will show off his bad ass scars, and when he tans, you'll see that the scars are all strategically planned to say "I banged your wife before coming here' across his chest. There is also a scar that resembles a teddy bear fused with a shark. 

Go Hunting: Who can kill the most roaches by just farting. Chuck Norris is ahead due to his love of Beans, whilst Salad loving Jack whimpers and kills only a pathetic 2.5 million rodent sized roaches. However, God gets pissed when he realizes that's the cockroaches are his only remaining creatures. 

Fight Off: God plays mediator as Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris fight to prove who the toughest is. They started fighting on Tuesday, and haven't stopped yet. Chuck was particularly pissed that after administering a gargantuan array of round house kicks, that Jack, climbed into Chuck's Ass and started beating him in their. Chuck subsequently round house kicks himself in the ass, and now his boot is stuck inside Jack Bauer's anus. Needless to say, they are both very butt sore. God finds it really funny and has decided to call the move the BauChuck pounding manoeuvre.

Target Practice: Both Jack and Chuck swallow a bunch of bullets and start shooting at Mt. Rushmore from Michigan to see who can best make Washington look like. No guns are left in the world, so the shots are fired from their only remaining weaponry....

God keeps score and occasionally makes George Washington look like Obama to mess with Jack and Chuck.

Smoke Off: Find any and all remaining carcasses (Human, Scorpion and otherwise), roll them into big blunts, and smoke them. Whilst reminiscenting about the good old days where they had fresh uranium omelets for breakfast, watered down with a cool glass of Piranha sewage water....with live Piranha still in them. 

Play Checkers: Because all the pieces have been incinerated, they use asteroids instead. God always wins....duh. So Chuck and Jack go back to fighting. For extra fun, they even take rides through black holes. 

Talk about Babes: Nothing says masculinity than recounting how many dames a guy has shagged. However, because of the awesome virility if the survivors, they recount the hot girls they hadn't shagged and never got to. 

Jack: 'Bro, that girl was going to be hot, she'll be 18 next week'

Chuck: 'Man, I follow tribal law, all they have to do is hit puberty, nice job God'

God: 'You know it, I kept telling Jesus that women are wonderful cretins, I meant creatures, but he kept putting it off; Ha, I sure taught him.'

Jack: That's cruel....yet not unsurprising.

God: I'm just messing around, though there is something to be said about Tough love, totally worked in Moses....do you know how many wives he got?!

Chuck: Word...though I would have just round house kicked his ass. 

 

Taliban Fight Club

The Taliban seem like a very frustrated lot, whether they are in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq or anywhere in the world. They have so much hate and ideological madness, I think it would be remiss if we as a society didn't come up with a creative solution to address their mental issues. Because wanting to be a suicide bomber ought to be officially diagnosed as a mental disorder. 

So here is my idea, Taliban Fight Club. Because there is nothing more satiating to madmen than beating someone till your arms are tired, your lips are bloody, body is bruised and you've lost so many brain cells that you can't remember what the fight was about in the first place (Hey, it worked for the Spartans), incidentally a Taliban rugby league wouldn't be amiss either.

Obviously there would have to be rules, terms and conditions that will shape the landscape of the bouts:

1. No beard tugging; Taliban typically use the space to store their weed and Mars bars...respect.

2. No weapons or safety pads allowed (including improvised explosive devices), however groin cups are permissible, but at no point can be used as a weapon; hence the Upward Thrust knockout (UT KO) move illegal.

3. Adequate clothing must be worn at all times; Taliban are highly self conscious over their jungle like body hair.

4. There will be 70 attractive Burka wearing cheerleaders (spread across nationalities to cater to differing tastes), however, they will only reveal their modest amounts of clothing if and only if the Taliban contestant win the bout. (At which point they'll realize that they don't need to die to go to heaven) 

5. Chuck Norris is not allowed to participate....ever. (There are conflicting fatwas on Chuck Norris being a demon)

6. Fights will incorporate prayer breaks to cater to multiple faiths. Islamic history does show that devout Muslim Generals praying on the field of battle, during hostilities. 

7. Male contestants eligible for "Beauty and the Geek" are encouraged to apply; Taliban are notoriously malnourished (lack of post weed munchies....hence the compensatory large beards and bulked up clothing favored by the Legions of T.... its not a fashion statement). We are looking for an uber awesome contest and there is nothing more awesome than seeing a geek unleash his inner demon and unleash his fists of fury....on that note, Go Spider Man! 

Hell, if it catches on it could even be a reality show in itself, take the contestants from the biggest loser and Jersey shore and have them fight it out. Or we could model it off the WWE/TNA and use real or real'ish people. 

I even have some snazzy Pay-per-view ideas

1. No Way Out (To be held in Tora Bora or Guantanamo, which ever is cheaper)

2. Turbans, Laces & Coke (To be held in the FBI's evidence locker or Columbia; laces to be made of Kevlar and turbans designed by Hermes, Coke will preferably be local)

3.  Hell is my Cell (Any Afghani or Iraqi prison will do)

4. Ragging Rights (Madison Square garden, fighters have to make their opponents submit by humiliating them verbally... on the spot translation will be available)

5. Battle of the Beards (to coincide with the Beard Olympics) Beards can be used as weapon to whip lash, choke etc. Person whose beard gets ripped of his (or her) face first wins.

This would also be super profitable and all proceeds can be used to rebuild Afghanistan and Iraq.