Platonic Friendships: I Call Bull Shit!!!

Platonic friendships are defined as affectionate, non-sexual relationships. I don't think men don't typically have them with women. I doubt anything resembling platonic friendships actually exists. The only platonic inter-sex friendships that exist are between guys and their buddy's girl friend; It’s because we go into Bhaabi mode. Other than that, a girl may as well believe that she's walking around with a bull’s eye on her backside. Even if she's ugly, after all, there is somebody for everybody. 

A girl knows that a guy is interested in them, but she isn't interested in him, so she makes him, her platonic friend. The only way she can make this utterly and completely clear is requesting him as her 'brother' on Facebook. Short of that she's leaving open the possibility that even though you aren’t Mr. Right, you may be Mr. ‘Eh Alright’, which is wise since majority of women fear becoming an old maid.  

Guys pretend to be platonic friends because they want to be more something later, or they buy that crap women spew that I like to get to know the person better before they date....complete lies, a woman will either date you or she won't, she'll use you till you become wiser...take it as a lesson learnt and applaud yourself for trying.

If you are a guy and want to remain a glorified back up to a girl who thinks she can get something better, but if she can't fingers crossed that she see's you Mr. ‘I’m just the Friend’ as a viable backup option, then by all means go ahead.

Men do exactly the same thing, particularly with girls who we'd feel ashamed showing off to our friends (however, in the right circumstances we may be willing to invest in plastic surgery...seriously).

Is it actually subconsciously manipulative to have such relationships?...yes, but it works both ways and benefits both parties. It fulfills some of the relationship functions of having someone to talk to about your day with a member of the opposite sex, solid practice on light flirting and tremendous ego boosts.

I always wondered why parents get upset when their kids are up late hours at night talking to the opposite sex. Well, it's because they are worried about WHY they are talking. And naturally, they've already figured out that there is no such thing as 'just friends', How many married men do you know that have a chick as their best friend.....does the number ZERO match your tally?

That is also why when men get married they are forced to give up their platonic female friendships, call it a by product of being married to the opposite sex. It’s not that women are generally insecure about their partners fidelity, but they are aware how conniving other women are and how dumb men can be (once our ego is stroked, we go back for more).

Men use platonic friendships with women to gain insight into the opposite sex, we don't understand women, so we create 'fraanships' to get some intel...that's just smart use of available resources.

Men make friends with girls because they want to be in a position where they are able to squeeze into a position where women lean on them, and once they are reliant, they pull the plug. Nice strategy if there ever was one, as once that girl realizes that she can't take platonic boy toy for granted unless they date them...genius really, particularly how needy women are and once they become reliant on having a guy to 'deal' with them...well, then that’s the ball game.

Women use men through these platonic friendship to do things that they would usually ensnare their boyfriends into doing, whether it is running errands, taking them shopping, etc all whilst screaming to the world, 'We're just friends, what is wrong with you' etc etc well, I hate to break it to you, but lean back and think for a second why a man is putting himself through hell (we don't enjoy hanging out at kapra centers or playing chauffeur) to please you....it's not because he wants to be 'your friend'. Odds are that he has plenty of friends who like doing things that other men would likely be classified as 'fun'. 

The friendship that he’s looking for has an exercisable option clause where they can become friends with additional benefits that may cultivate into a relationship of the sort that a girls parents wouldn't be a huge fan off. Most men don't do things like that just to be 'nice', they do it because they have an end game in mind. And if that end game doesn't involve that girl or her friends, it consists of developing female expertise. 

Practice makes perfect, the more female friends you have, the more likely you are to successfully manage and deal with women. Platonic friendships....bleh. More like friends with benefits (halal or otherwise). 


A version of this Article appeared in Dawn Images

Office Walla Absurdity: Rise of the Paperless Pushers

Contrary to perceptions about Pakistan’s unemployment numbers, majority of Pakistani’s work, if you are reading this, odds are that you are an elite member of the 100 million (PS: I made that number up) strong work force. You work, and if you are lucky (or unlucky depending on your orientation) you work in an office environment. Perhaps a local company, a Bank, Multi-National Corporation, call centre, government ‘office’ or a just a run of the mill office.

Congratulations, you are one of Pakistan’s elite Office Wallas. You have your own desk/cubicle, wear a tie to work and perhaps even comb your hair in the morning and if you are extremely lucky your office has air conditioning (temperature well below the recommended 26 degree Celsius) liberally supported with generators and UPS. In fact, if you are particularly important, your computer has its own UPS to combat the incessant load shedding.

People find your job respectable; even though odds are that they don’t understand from atom what it is you actually do. Note: There is a difference between the person who works in treasury and one who is a bank teller….but yes, they both deal with money and clients. 

You get free Chai/Tea. There is no perk more crucial to an Office Walla than getting free tea; It’s not about the money, it’s about status. An Office Walla without an adequate volume of Chai, coupled with a regular efficiently managed supply chain is like a one legged man without a crutch. Sugar and Caffeine Zindabad.

You have the printing privilege spanning into millions. Recycling paper is an alien concept because paper unlike money does in fact grow (via) on trees. Recycling is for ‘environmentally minded’ NGO’s and for cheap khokas/Eateries that can’t afford proper napkins.

You lament over sugar prices even though realistically you really can afford the extra five rupees per bag, but you feel highly qualified to lament on behalf of the majority of the population that will embark on a revolution based on the impact of pheeki chai/unsweet tea. We Pakistani’s are very serious about our chai. It’s opiumesque.  

Your title and job description have as much in common as chalia and chewing gum; Next to nothing, but a mild flirtation of substitution. A receptionist is duly given a business card that refers to her as the junior communications director. Enough said.

You think you are better than regular people. There I said it. People find the status of being in an office one step closer to God. And who said we didn’t carry over the caste system?

The day’s most vigorous well fought debates of the day aren’t on how to maximize the company’s revenue and cut costs, it’s on Politics, Zionists and how Karachi's very own Mustapha Kamal is an angel.  

You actually pay your taxes and passionately hate the people who spend it; It is one thing to support the nation’s impoverished destitutes, it’s quite another to subsidize government officials’ Lear jet. So how exactly was the IDP tax money spent? I want to see an audit dammit!...preferably Chinese ones. They’re cheaper.

We live in a society of complainers and blamers, and we like nothing better than to end of the day grimace how we had a tough day at the office, but we usually fail to provide details on a days activities (that spouses in particular are so keen for), for the fundamental reason that the only memorable parts are the office pranks, running jokes and general office buffoonery. Truth of the matter is that most people like the place they work, but Office Wallas love the money they make and the status they are accorded.

I am plagued with the question of what is life as an Office Walla? Is it a rampant black hole that slowly devours our short lives or is it closer in spirit to a pointless, gray existence, spotted with absurd moments of comedy throughout the day to alleviate general monotony? I don’t have the answer, but all I know is that I love the place I work, the people I work with and the time I have, end of the day, it’s all about attitude, you can have fun in the most corporate straight laced of work places. Be fun and you will have fun, at least that is my strategy if I fail in my quest to be a good person and wind up in hell. Solid Backup Plan I Think.  

Why Women Rule!...Seriously.

Why I Wrote This:

There seems to be a misconception that I've created that I hate all women, that women are terribly creatures and just plain 5 million varieties of awful. Now that's actually not true, I think women are the cornerstone of a society.

If you want to evaluate how progressive and ultimately successful a country will be, one should see how women in that realm are treated. Be it Japan, China, Wider Europe, Canada and the USA, women are the ones who drive growth, whether it's in small businesses or in job creation.

If a Nation relies on only men, it will never be working at more than 50% of it's potential. If a country wants to be great, it needs to let women contribute; it's a good thing that they are will and able.

1. Women Do It All: Women build families, and in many cases they have to balance their family life with their work life with a great deal of poise. I firmly believe that women are more productive during work hours because they know they have responsibilities after work, whether it's child care or family obligations. So they get their tasks complete within the allotted time, so they don't  have to sit late and mess around youtube during the work day. One that note, check this awesome video I found here.

2. Educated Women = Educated Families: If education is the silver bullet, then women are the Fully loaded machine gun firing off that silver bullet. If you educate a man, you educate a man, if you educate a woman, you educate her entire family; the next generation. And lets face it, since women spend a good chunk of their day with the kids, the better educated they are, the more likely and able they will be to help the kid out with his homework. Educated Moms + Whiny Child = Homework actually getting done well enough that kid won't Fail.

3. Online all the Time: Women are fully functional at all hours of the day. From the minute they get up in the morning to get the kids ready, make breakfast etc till they nod off in bed after a hard days work and home management, women are excellent at not only multi-tasking, but getting things done. It makes them great, and a truly enviable asset to have in our lives.

4. Women Make Men Better: Men if left to our own devices would be nothing more than hedonistic play boys hell bent on extracting as much fun out of life as possible....which is not necessarily a bad thing, just very shallow and self serving. Women have an unerring ability to focus men, to make them better than they ever thought that they could be. In some cases they um...'inspire' wholesale drastically needed changes, that men need. A lot of guy's strive to be better because they want to be worthy of that pretty face, it may feel superficial, but guys are willing to do it.

5. Women Strive To Be Better: Women actively combat societal norms for the very simple human reason that they are not fair. Guys are willing to find innovative ways to make the system work for them, but if women don't find that system to be fair, they find ways to go about changing it, whether it is through passive aggressiveness or simply going out and doing it. They act as our moral conscious when it's not convenient for us. And as men, we like convenience...which is why invented the 'remote control' for our TV's and 'Lazy Boys'.

6. Women Will Never Be Fully Appreciated: It's sad but true, after all the things that women do for men, we can never ever no matter what we do, truly appreciate them. A man can never fully appreciate what a girl goes through, and try as we might through glib conjectures (Guilty as charged), we will never completely understand the horrors of the female condition, the burdens and limitations society happily shackles them with. It's a wonder than women haven't killed off all the men yet and just used sperm banks to keep the human race going. Bloody Decent Of You All.

In The End:

Women are IT. They are everything, no society could function without women and no man can live happily without them. Which is why you have all male prisons. They get cable TV and perhaps some cheetos, but they are completely cut off from the opposite sex. Why? Because even with the head aches, women just make mens lives just plain better. Thanks a lot God.

Personal Assistants: Thumbs UP!

Why I Wrote This:

Everywhere I look around, people are busier, more stressed and just plain pressed for time. The electronic revolution makes it a bit too easy to book every second of your day, whether it's meeting, running errands or just being social. Sleep and spending time on your relationships is taking a back door to your work life. There needs to a balance.  

My solution is having a Personal Assistant. Personal assistants are awesome. I am of the firm belief that everyone (who can afford one) ought to have one. They are just so bloody useful in every possible context and you are guaranteed to have a life that's much easier to manage and much more fun.  

1. What Lines? No more standing in lines...ever. Passport office, McDonald's, License Bureau etc, you will always have a spot saved by your PA. Maximize your valuable time. Don't waste your life away standing in lines, particularly as you can get someone else to do it for you. This will also save you from having to make inane infuriating conversation with people also standing in line. You are better than that, you have a PA Dammit!

2. No More Errand Hopping: Don't have to waste time running crappy errands anymore. Ever. Your PA can take care of bills, shopping, market, buy crap, etc. If your PA buys something incorrectly and your wife gets mad, you can just blame it on the PA and absolve yourself of any blame. Dammit, you are waaay too important to spend your day at the freaking florist. 

3. Human Calender & Appointment book: PA can remind you of important meetings and pull you away from annoying people that you might be talking to. He can also be trained to introduce you to hot women and act as your wing man. No more Fat Chicks (thumbs up!). Also, more importantly, no more missed anniversaries and having to spend nights on the pull out couch. Solid Win. 

4. Aggression Management Training: Never be mad at your partner again. Take out all aggression on your Personal Assistant. Either through physical beatings or mental torture. Either of which can be televised via the web; the footage might even make a crappy yet profitable reality show. Your partner will also appreciate how nice you are to her and all of her friends will be insanely jealous of her (which is basically what she is interested in).

5. Someone to Talk To (or At): Good sounding board, you can talk to him almost like a friend, but ignore his advice and he won't mind. It's his job to listen. In fact, he'll know how tough your life really is and tell everyone he'll come into contact with just as much. He'll be your personal Public Relations director. Besides, you'll save a tonne of money on therapy. 

6. Plausible Deniability: Tell lies to your spouse, to your employees, and just random people just so you don't have to....think about it as sin prevention insurance. After all, you can't possibility be out with your friends (or your corporate mistresses) if your P.A swears upon his Mommas life that your in an important 3 AM meeting with Japan!!! 

7. Catering to your Needs: PA can act as advance scout for you when arranging or confirming meetings, he can tell the organizers what you like in terms of food, seating, allergies, diet, drinks etc. I personally hate it when I attend a meeting and all they have to offer is crap food that I don't love. Regardless of how the meeting goes, I'm going to be peeved off. Take care of me, and I'll take care of you. Listen to my PA, it's good for business. 

8. Excellent Legal Protection: Anytime the government or any law suit is placed against you, contend that your PA abused his position and took decisions without your knowledge. You are then in the clear and can sip Virgin Margaritas with your latest PA in Cancun. If Berni Madoff has a PA, he wouldn't be know 'Easy Suzy' in Jail (or in fact be behind bars).  

9. Fun to Show off: Not only will everyone think how important you are, but your friends (who are cool enough to have PA's) can compete on who can make their PA's do the most messed up things. You can also have your PA's fight each other and place bets. Female PA's will obviously earn a higher salary for such activities. 

10. Presence Substitution: You can send your PA to meetings you don't want to attend. After all, your a very important person, so you can send a senior member of your staff to an event that you desperately wanted to attend...because there is a special 24 Marathon on that night that's vital for um... business. 

The Big Idea:

Get over your stressed out life, and make some space for the more important things...like Me Time. And the best way to do that is by Exploiting your PA; It has a lot of tangible benefits. It's also legal via a rad legal agreement. Get a PA, reduce unemployment and live the life of a happy Baller. 

Longing for Nap Time

How I miss the days that I could take a nap in the afternoon, Pre school and College were pretty sweet in that respect. In college if I had a gap in between classes, it was usually a good time for a nice restful nap (any time is good nap time). In Pre-school, I had no choice. 

Thinking about it further, I realized how important a good daily nap is for the human being, and that perhaps lack of sleep is the reason for all of our daily problems. And sleep deprivation, like most things in our poorly wired main frames is the root of all stress related evils!

One of the greatest institutions pervading in early education is nap time, its often seen as a way for Pre-schools and Kinder gardens alike to keep kids quiet and relatively destruction free (kids are known to have bed wetting problems), however I feel that nap time is vitally important, and not just for a teacher/educator/minders sanity. It's a fact of life, has anyone noticed how virtually every animal in the world takes time out for a daily nap; learn from your cats and dogs! They, the zebra, cheetahs, Lion, Black Widow Spider all do it.   

Besides, its good for the kids and we all love the kids (they're all so darn cute with their tiny little hands and adult like clothing). How confusing must it be for a kid to graduate to a higher grade and be told 'No more Nap time!' It's extremely disconcerting to a nascent mind and can lead to a reign of terror, which would aptly explain why kids become hyperactive and Armageddon-ish. 

It's their form of the Civil Disobedience Movement. When children return home from school, they don't rush for a nap; nope, they want payback for losing that blessed hour of sleep they could always count on during school, and the parents are the ones who get to pay for it (This is after they've already caused hell at school; I know I did). Take that you Nap Stealers! A rested child is a happy child, some may say that the more rested they are, the more terroristic their waking hours would be, but that is baloney. 

The more a child sleeps, the more relaxed he/she is (its also the only time Mommy gets to relax too). Babies, if they haven't slept, bawl all the time. But if they get their rest...well they'll still bawl till their fed, but they are generally more serene and cute worthy. It's why mothers raise their kids, rather than toss them off a cliff or keep them for the organ harvesting business (always good to have a back up plan my friends mother always says).  

I bet that's why Osama Bin Laden is just so damn irritable, the nap deprived man is always plotting, telling folks to blow things up, its enough to cause kidney failure....oh wait, Yeah. And come on, having to live in a cave, and hard floor bedding that is Afghanistan probably really made it hard for him to get a decent nights sleep, let alone the much needed afternoon nap! Especially after growing up with Egyptian Cotton Bed Spreads and Cushy Cashmere laced Mattresses. Tough luck dude. 

Has anyone noticed how Barack Obama is always so relaxed, the man is leader of the free world, he ought to be shitting bricks, while in contrast Michelle is...well not so relaxed (in her defense, she got knocked up and had to deal with crying babies), I bet they had different sleeping patterns, namely Barack Obama takes his afternoon nap....right after he smokes his daily joint...oops I meant cigarette. It is in anticipation of that hour of awesome dreamy time that he's able get things done...Efficiency galore. I'll bet anything that good ol' Dubya (President Bush; The stupid-er one) got his naps in before being elected, which is why he looks so damn old and stressed out now!

How much nicer would people be if in the middle of the day they were allowed a siesta break. A time to rest, recap the days events and aggregate any knowledge gained or ponder any weighty decision making. Everyone would be so much more relaxed, rested and focused. All it would cost is for companies to start nap hour. It would be awesome and highly productive. 

One also feels that Countries that do promote this practice, namely Spain and Italy have citizens that are just that much more nicer and provide pretty desirable places to work and prosper.The Greek & Spanish Gods' basically came down and said 'thou shalt siesta...and procreate (I realize that the second part isn't particularly relevant).' Italians especially are also famously lauded as the most genetically gifted womanizers ever (Only because Spanish people think its bad form to make public your number of conquests due to crappy paternity laws). There may be a connection there, that's all I'm saying. 

Sedate your Kids. Let them Nap and take a Nap yourself. You'll feel happier....if not, at least better rested.