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Showing posts with label double sawari. Show all posts
Showing posts with label double sawari. Show all posts

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Be Nice to Police Wallas!



"Be Nice to Police Wallas." I know any Pakistani or person who has every felt wronged by our esteemed law enforcement agency will have a severe intestinal spinning reaction to this statement, but just bear with me. We Really Should be Nice to the Police, especially in Pakistan. Now, based on overwhelming consensus, most are corrupt and there may be a shortage of traditional honesty in the ranks, but one can contend that even the corrupt ones deserve to be treated with respect, and for the few occasions where one actually encounters an honest cop, they ought to appreciate the rarity.




Why? because frankly, they do a lot for us which we either  ignore or don't appreciate their work as they are merely 'doing their jobs'.CEO's get big bonuses for good performances, police wallas get.....squat. The truth is that, we, the Pakistani populace is part of the problem. If this was a business, we'd be the annoying customers who everyone unequivocally hates. Let's be honest, we all love to bitch and whine about our corrupt bribe taking gun toting Cops, but we fail to consider the circumstances that they operate in. All in all, their lives suck.



Perpetually disrespected: Let's face it, no one respects the work that cops really do in terms of maintaining law and order. We have some cultural mindset defect that at the first sign of trouble we want the Rangers to be brought into the city to save us with their big guns and heavy equipment. My driver even mentioned at a recent traffic jam near the Sheraton that if the rangers were brought in to manage traffic that traffic jams would become extinct.

I'm a particular fan of the traffic police who ensure the smooth-ish flow of traffic on Karachi's law breaking roads, with the only tools at their disposal being their flapping arms and their ability to fearlessly navigate a stream of fast paced cars that insist on hitting their breaks less than a few feet away from them. And yet they stand solid in front of cars with little regard to their own well being. If this was any other profession we'd consider this grounds for dismissal on the grounds of mental health.

Bare bones authority is their modus operand um: the police get overruled on a whim by everyone. Why? Because they have no desire to get fired for correctly fining a person for breaking the law, just because the violators are well connected. In fact all you have to do is throw a few big names (the term General Saahib works quite well) and then they'll usually let you go. Driving an expensive imported car helps too. The only people they actually really bother are the poor and middle class, who aren't exactly flush with cash.


Considering how little they get paid and food prices sky rocketing on a whim coupled with how dangerous their jobs are, I do to some degree sympathize with them, as much as I hate corruption on a personal level, it's difficult to imagine how else they would make their ends meet. After all, it's not like they live the Espresso Life. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

Perpetually scared for your life. Naturally, Gangsters, mobsters, looters, Taliban and the other pillaging thugs of Pakistan like nothing better than to have the police butt out of their affairs. Which the police is largely happy to do via soft understandings which may or may not include exchanges of cash/services complete with the logic that it's better for the various Mafia's to wipe each other out. Add to the fact that the mafia is usually better armed than the cops are.



It isn't uncommon for the Police to be lynched by the very mob that they are trying to protect: The Common mob is particularly prone to target the police in their protests...and this is when they are trying to ensure everyone (well mostly everyone) gets out alive.

Let's face it, even at the most mundane level the police have some hazardous working conditions. The guys who work the street have it bad, they have the pleasure to stand in the sun all day directing traffic, kicking away beggars, or patrolling our trash infested streets, waiting for something bad to happen (well something bad enough for them to care about). I sure hope the traffic cops at least get free laundry service. Keeping those uniforms white after a day sweating in the sun or getting drenched by the rains must be an inevitable failure of an enterprise.


The guys in their offices have it even worse, if anyone has been inside a police station they'll be impressed by the ingenuity of the place. Termite riddled Desks are held together with super glue, cement bricks act as support for rickety furniture. Poor interior decoration coupled with a lack of good looking women leads to a poor work atmosphere. The criminals don't help much either. An inherent lack of attractive women lead to terrible morale. Look at all of the foreign banks, pretty women = terrific morale....pity the performances don't match.

We live in a country where a Pizza hut delivery guy gets to your house before the police. Now the number of brand new police Toyota Corollas and Suzuki Mehrans are highly misleading. Majority of our cops still travel in junk grade bikes and various antique pickups that are better suited for transporting livestock (the livestock don't complain).  



To Protect and Serve. Why should they even we can't find it in our hearts to treat them with a modicum of decency. They, police wallas deserve to be treated with atleast a modicum of decency, otherwise they'll continue to have have minimal professional pride and become more prone to corruption. After all, on a human level, being able to afford nice stuff makes them feel better. Maybe we'd treat them differently if we realized that they are not so different from the rest of us.

A version of this piece was published on Dawn.com

Monday, May 24, 2010

Pillion Riding: Double Sawari Zindabad!!!



The Government of Pakistan has banned Pillion riding. Only Government officials and children under the age of 12 are exempt, however that is expected to change once a child (under the age of 12) bearing a Klashnikov takes out a hapless MNA who is already protected by an entire division of Black Water, Pakistani Rangers and the State Police.   

One is admittedly supremely impressed that our highly educated political figures even know what pillion riding even is. Bravo. Double Sawari as it is commonly known is where multiple individuals squeeze themselves onto a motorcycle. The government decided to institute the ban when the number of target killings that occurred via double sawari increased exponentially; Attackers would load up on motorcyles, and their pillion rider(s) would shoot their targets in true drive by fashion. 

First let me applaud the government and express my intense gratitude that the government is so concerned about its own safety. After all, running Pakistan into the ground is an extremely dangerous job, as evidenced by the regiments of body guards required to maintain our political savior's safety.



Unfortunately, even the10 strong vehicle convoys and head of state style protection detail is not enough to maintain the safety our esteemed selfless leaders. And nothing is more important for our nations’ interests than to preserve the safety of our brave leaders. In order to defeat terrorism we must protect the people who stand up and.....whine about how powerless they are to stop it? SHIT FUCK DAMMIT SHITASS POLITICIAN GARBAGE POOPERS  uphold democratic values as embodied by the constitution. 

One is compelled to applaud our brave principled leaders’ unpopular (not to mention completely ineffective) but highly necessary stance to ban pillion riding. They certainly know how to defeat domestic terrorism. One arcane piece of legislation at a time. 

Now I can see why the government would fear for their lives (even I want to beat a bunch of them senseless; those hypocritical, child molesting, step sister banging fucks) , but honestly can they actually justify an outright ban on pillion riding (exempting government officials and children under 12). The reason given is to stop militants. By this logic perhaps they should consider a ban on cars for the same purpose…unfortunately they can’t, as their convoys are highly reliant on having expensive four wheeled vehicles. Pity they can’t walk or take the buses like the people they claim to represent (I claim to represent no one, hence my guilt free driving around Karachi in my imported car with an AC blasting on the ‘Artic Circle’ setting). Global Warming eat your heart out. 

Who does this help? Is Transport Mafia having a hard time filling up their buses?...highly unlikely, buses are still packed to the brim….because…wait for it….Most people in Pakistan can’t afford bikes, but those who do typically attempt to compete with small cars in terms of number of passengers.

Dammit Riding Pillion is freaking cool, look at Aamir Khan, that bastard can afford a couple of dozen tricked out Monster Trucks....then again, maybe he's just being paid to sit there.  



Is it safer to ban it? Yes, pillion riding in Pakistan’s bumpy roads is hardly the modicum of safety but no one has ever forced another person to ride pillion style. We live in Pakistan, we have to contend with bomb blasts, large scale faulty wiring and swarms of criminal activity on a daily basis. Pillion riding is safe as all hell by comparison. Those who ride pillion style do so out of necessity, not desire.

We hate motorcyclists...seriously. They are the worst drivers on the planet, all they do is bitch and complain about how poor they are compared to people who own cars (your much richer than the dude who has to walk or take the bus, asshole) and if they ever get into an accident, they always manage to inflict more remunerative damage on others than on their own rides. So naturally there a vendetta against motorcyclists: Every person I know owns a car hates motorcyclists and I have never seen a motor cyclist elected to Parliament. If there is anything else we can do to make your lives hell, feel free to let us know or bust ass at work, get promoted and get yourself a car. Gari walla (Dudes who own cars) Zindabad. 



It’s really a morality law; 'May no man every ride with a girl', it's disgusting yo...do it in the back seat OF A CAR like everybody else. It benefits the politicians’ car driving progeny/beneficiaries and increases their ability to pick up girls. After all, the buses are in a putrid state and walking is just plain boring. 

Through this law, the government can now further reduce interaction between the sexes; how completely deviously brilliant of them. Besides, seeing two (or three) guys huddled together on a bike is one of the most gay friendly things you will ever see. Oh, how cute do those guys look grinding against each other and holding hands on that rackety bike. 



What I think the real purpose of this ban, is that the cops can use this inane law to catch other suspected criminals. No one would dare suggest that our honest cops would use this law as an excuse to increase their bribery revenue. Yep, no one. Besides, Cops are exempt from the law.     

Actually this law is completely logical. Once our esteemed elected officials feel safe, they’ll be able to focus on legislation and actually work for the betterment of the country. Ever wonder why military governments’ (appear to) get things done? It’s because they are all packing heat 24/7. You mess with the military and they'll drone bomb your house and pretend that the Americans troops did it. 

Oh, incase anyone is wondering, the ban isn’t working and oddly enough, even odder people are actually getting together to protest against it. So, Pakistani's won’t protest against corrupt government officials, but pillion riding is protest worthy...national strategic concern even. What a nation we live in.

A version of this piece was published on Dawn.com