What They Really Wanted For Christmas

Christmas came and went with all the usual fan fare coupled with a dose of recession reality.
In Pakistan although we get Christmas as a holiday (as it is fortunate enough to coincide with Quad-e-Azam's (Pakistan's founder) death anniversary. Regardless, I think once the merriment of Christmas is over and one can truly evaluate their gifts without the watchful glare of their relatives, they can be truly honest with how they feel.

"Gee Aunty, that Swedish cook book is extremely thoughtful, I can't wait to try to make something" means "how sweet of her to get me a gift that will make my life easier" at the time, and a day later means 'I can't wait to give this rubbish book away, who likes Swedish food anyway, what I really wanted was that Gold Locket she said looked great on me"

So I've compiled a list of people and what they really wanted...

Madonna gets a gift certificate for botox; what she really wanted was to transplant herself into a younger hotter persons body....anyone have a kid up for adoption?

Donald Trump gets the bill for his wife's expensive shopping bill; What he really wanted was a government Bail out....anyone who can loan him a Mil? He'll pay you back on Tuesday.

Tiger Woods gets a get well soon card from his sponsors; What he really wanted was his golf clubs and an "end of year bonus check'....a crash proof car wouldn't be amiss either.

Tiger Words wife gets an expensive post nuptial contract plus an island full of gold; What she really wanted was to go back in time to the minute she met Tiger, kick him in the balls and walk away.

Barack Obama gets a huge array of terrific gifts from all the foreign heads of state and every ass kisser with any relevance in the political world; What he really wanted was a gift that he is actually allowed to keep...... and that his middle name wasn't Hussein....maybe Jesus but definitely not Hussein.

George W Bush gets a ton of hate mail (as he does every other day of the year); What he really wanted was a thank you card from Barack Obama for taking the heat off him. Ungrateful Liberal!

Democrats on the hill frenziedly pass a historic a haphazard health care bill; What they really wanted was a few days off to catnap, but they weren't sure if Byrd was going to make it.

James Cameron gets millions of dollars in Movie Royalty Checks; What he really wanted was enough Oscars to use as bowling pins....and a perfect game.

John McCain gets to spend time with his family on Christmas; What he really wanted was to play war games and be President....Seriously.

Osama gets to make a video tell his followers how Christmas was the day the devil came down from Mars and vanquished all of the infidels: What he really wanted was a new Kidney and a Massage chair with a cup holder.

Ben Bernake gets to stick around as Fed Chief and be Times Man of the Year for Christmas; What he really wanted was a day in Mexico with banjo and a tequila sunrise.

Goldman Sachs get huge bonuses for Christmas: What they really wanted were New Years, Kwanza and Hunakka bonuses too....a better PR director and take over of all the world media outlets wouldn't have hurt either.

Turkeys get to be Dinner at Christmas; What they really wished was that they didn't make fun of all those Turkey's that disappeared during thanksgiving.

Peace in the Middle East

My latest brainstorm is solving the hold Israel/Palestinian conflict, it involves a complex electoral method where.....yeah I'm kidding, but I had you guys going there for a second.....



Here is basis my theory, people in the the disputed territories are sad, they've lost loved ones and homes on both sides, Palestinians get a lot of sympathy & lip service but not much else, Israel gets US. Support, but is constantly threatened by its neighbors. All sides have a valid point (If your response to this post so far was "where is the middle east" or "I didn't they were fighting out there", feel free to take an old stack of newspapers and bludgeon yourself to death with it).


So I have several key measures;


1. Invite Russell Peters, Chris Rock, Carlos Mencia (I don't think he's really all that funny, but even without some head gear he'll in all likelihood be mistaken for an Arab by the locals), Dane cook, the Blue collar comedy tour etc for a series of shows in the disputed territories. That they are funny is undoubtedly true, but I'm also betting that they are actually universally funny and that they're jokes will hold up in cultural translation. For eg. I'm sure folks in Israel/Palestine can also laugh along with redneck stereotypes of marrying your first cousin.....in fact it may be mainstream (Dunno if it is too mainstream, I don't believe in evidenciary support, I put it down my beliefs in conspiracy theories, the most longstanding one is that all Science is a conspiracy against the oppressed Mullahs).


I also feel that people who laugh together, eventually buddy up and find ways to get along, humanizes their adversaries. Once their laughing endorphins flow through their respective blood streams the feel good factor emerges, and they'll be way more likely to chill and who knows maybe even be homies. And Has anyone noticed that terrorists emerge from countries that have terrible comedy shows (ok, Afghanistan doesn't really have enough local TV yet, but still Saudi Arabia is terrible.... 9/11; 15-19 hijackers).
Anyway, worst comes to worst, the audience collectively hates them all and finds something in common with each other....win win either way.


2. Pretend to find Oil: Every developed country in the world plus China will make it their number one priority to solve the crisis. Even the socialist nations will find it imperative to help their Arab/Jewish brethren. Unrelenting amounts of Economic aid will be promised, favourable trade treaties, Infrastructure development treaties, maybe even schemes to reclaim a huge chunk of Sea for new settlements; the whole turkey will all the fixings if you will. They'll make it so attractive to make a deal, that both sides can't help but do it. The last round of negotiations will look like this;


Israeli Premier Benjamen 'I Likud looking tough' Natanyahu "Alright Mahmoo (Mahmoud 'I like being Head of State of a Powerless nation" Abbas), you can have Jerusalem but that means your family will have come over to our place for Hunnaka and New Years....I insist."

Hell the United States may even partner up with Fiji again and make a coalition of the willing, drop another 150,000 troops (10 of which will be from Fiji) to keep the peace.

One reason that this may actually work and the western world would actually try to fix the over arching issues rather than pull another African job where the locals can be bribed, the folks down their aren't particularly fearful of their governments. Israelis because they believe in democracy (they would also be very expensive to bribe) and Palestinians don't notice if they have a government half the time. Then again, the flip side may be that Al-Qaeda may suddenly appear to have a strong presence in Palestine/Israel and then you get Afghanistan style bombing and an invasion....but such are the risks of life.

All hell will however break loose once they realize that there is no Oil there.....so this is a plan without an end game....

3. Have a block party, have Britney Spears, Madonna, Rolling Stones and U2 perform along with religious figures singing 'All you need is love' from Love Actually, and everyone will tear up and make peace. Afterwards Bono can be joint President of both Countries.